Tag: parenting tips Page 4 of 5

Abandonment Issues – Parenting Tip #18

Fear of Abandonment

This is a huge issue. It affects so many of us – kids and adults alike.

I’ve known so many who are affected in every area of their lives because they felt abandoned by those who were suppose to care for them.

It affects their future relationships with:

parents & grandparents
peers & friends
spouses & children
co-workers/business partners/employees

“It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men.” ~Frederick Douglass

Please. Please. Please. Put your kids first and always be there for them.

Be available – in the good times and in bad.
Meet their needs
Give them structure and clear expectations.
Hold them accountable.
Follow through – be consistent.
Consider what is best for them in every decision.
Be involved in every area of their lives.
If they tell you to back off or leave them alone – don’t. They need you even if they don’t know it.
If there is a problem, care enough about them to address it.
Keep the light on.

Kids, especially teenagers sometimes will think you don’t care about them if you discipline them.

They may even hate you in the moment. But if you don’t correct them they will assume you don’t care. You can’t win for losin’. Go figure.

Kids want you to go the extra mile to make sure they are secure and cared for.

Sometimes that is inconvenient. Yep. Parenting isn’t always easy or fun. You have to do things you don’t like, they don’t like and others don’t like. You will be criticized, misjudged and disliked. Oh, well. Your kids come before your popularity or comfort.

We had people tell us we were too soft on our kids and others tell us we were too hard. You can’t please everyone!

They are worth your effort. They are worth your time.

A SIDE NOTE: I have kids who love me. I have kids who don’t. Regardless of which category they fit in – I still love them all. I want them in my life and the door will always be open to ALL of them. It was hard to teach some of my adopted kids to trust us because of their past experiences, but we worked at it every day and still do. Sometimes only God can heal the hurt. We wait and watch.

The ones who love me are amazing and I cherish EVERY moment I’m with them. I always hope the ones who don’t will pick up the phone or text me and let me know they are coming by for a visit – it has happened!

I’ve seen God do amazing things.

I pray every day that He will do a tremendous work in our family. We did our part. Now we wait and watch for Him to work.

If you have abandonment issues in your family or personally – ask God for healing. He can and will. I have been so impressed with my kids who have allowed God to work in their lives and bring them to the other side. It takes time and effort to sort it all out. They are amazing.

For a free word art high resolution word art click here or on the picture below:

I LINK TO THESE GREAT PARTIES

5 Things You SHOULD Say to Your Adult Kids – Parenting Tip #17

By Val Frania

In Family, Parenting tips

Having a new, adult relationship with your kids is such a wonderful change.

No responsibility.

No conflict.

No pressure.

You can just enjoy them! You look forward to them coming for a visit, enjoy them when they are in your home and then they go home to their own home, their own lives, and their own plans.

If you do it right, you can have a great relationship – it is so amazing to have adult kids that you can spend time with, share things, talk things over with, dream with, laugh with, cry with, complain to, listen to, plan, party, and pursue…

You get the idea.

Here are the 5 things you should say to your adult kids:

I can’t wait till you guys come visit.
You’re doing a great job!
When are you bringing the kids over?
No matter what, we will always love you.
We are only a phone call away.

Keep that door open. Make sure they know you want them – no matter what.

I always told my kids, “If you decide to walk down a different road than what we mapped out for you, we won’t go with you but we will be right here when you decide to come back, waiting.”

It is not our job to correct our kids once they are adults. It is our job to be available when they need us.

Adult to adult is our reward for raising them.

That doesn’t mean we follow them into the darkness if they choose to walk there. It does mean we stay in the light so they can find it when they come looking.

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5 Things NOT to Say to Your Adult Kids – Parenting Tip #16

By Val Frania

In Family, Parenting tips

We were blessed with lots of family this Thanksgiving weekend. We have babies!

I’ll keep this quick since I have family in this weekend…

As your kids grow and go, your ability to influence changes.

Let’s explore what NOT to say to your adult kids.

Unless asked, don’t offer advice.
Never criticize or jab your kids with little irritating comments.
If you have a problem with their lifestyle, keep it to yourself.
Never intervene during your kid’s and their spouse’s disagreements.
Never tell them they are raising their kids wrong. N.E.V.E.R.

There are a ton more, but you get the picture.

Our job now that our kids are grown and establishing their own family is to enjoy them. We are here if they need us. Our relationships now as adults do not require us to take responsibility for any of their choices, so we are free to step back and just let them be who they are.

If they want our advice, they will ask.

If they need our help, we need to be available, judgement free, and supportive.

Is this difficult? Yes, sometimes. But to be free of responsibility is very liberating. We work hard at it and try to keep the lines of communication open.

We are in the process of developing new relationships with our kids – some are there, some need work some are non-existent, but we are hopeful. When they are ready, they will come.

The main thing to remember is to watch, wait and hope – and be ready.

Do you teach your kids to help mom? {Mom of Many}

Do you teach your kids to help mom? Parenting Tip #15

By Val Frania

In Family, Parenting tips

When our kids were little we started the “special thing.”

Bedtimes were set in stone unless our kids found something special to do for mom. It could be sweeping the floor, picking up the baby’s toys, or folding a basket of laundry. BUT…it had to be something for mom and they had to think it up themselves.

Not only was it a help to me, the mom who’s job was never done, it taught them to think of others. Some days they would think all day long on what they could do to earn another half hour to stay up and play.

My kids know how to serve others.

They know how to work.

They know how to plan ahead.

Even when the teenage years came along, there were moments:

My son Levi and I liked to peel grapefruit right down to the little pillows of liquid. It was the most exquisite breakfast food ever. It took us about 15 minutes or more to do so but it was so worth the time and effort. The rest of the kids didn’t have the patience.

One day I was talking on the phone with my DH telling him about an exchange I had with someone that had caused me great distress. My son saw how upset I was and while on the phone, he brought me a peeled grapefruit.

Needless to say, I lost it. I started bawling my eyes out because of this impulsive act of kindness. He looked at me like, “What did I do?”

I have this thing; I can be very brave and weather the toughest storm…unless you are nice to me. That is when I lose it.

A mom can go through some tough moments and weather them just fine because they ALWAYS feel they must be the strong for others. But then someone shows a little kindness and that compassion breaks through the ice. That ice isn’t bad – sometimes it is necessary to get through the tough times.

Too often moms put themselves last because they think doing so is being a good example.

But let’s not forget that we are teaching future husbands and fathers. They must learn to respect and honor mom. Their future wives will thank you.

If there was one last piece of pie, my DH would always offer it to me first. He wanted to show our sons that mom was to be cared for. I have always told my boys that girls are delicate flowers and they should treat them as such.

Tomorrow we will talk about kids that don’t do as they are taught when they grow into adults – what does a mom do?

TTYT!

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Are meal times a fiasco? Parenting Tip #14

By Val Frania

In Family, Parenting tips

Mealtime bliss can be achieved…

In the spirit of Thanksgiving (not the thankfulness part, but the mom’s part in the dinner), I will give you a couple of tips on how to make it less stressful.

These are tips that will make your entire year better and less stressful.

Meal times should be a pleasant family experience but if you are constantly yelling at your kids to sit down and eat their food, they are anything but.

Easy fixes for kids who have food issues

Teach them to stay in their seat during meal times. From early on you can accomplish this through consistency. Never allow them to get out of their seat and if they do repeatedly and a simple “stay in your seat” isn’t working, let them know that if they get out of their seat, meal time is over for them. Be sure to follow through – it will be hard, but they will learn quickly.
Only give them the food you KNOW they will finish. If you have a picky eater, serve the most important food first and then the other foods as that is finished. Example: If your child tends to eat the fruit and pick at the sandwich, give them a half sandwich first and nothing else until that is gone. At that point you can decide if you will give the other half or the rest of the meal. Get to know their appetites and serve food accordingly. Serve the less desirable food first.
Don’t serve milk or juice until meal time is over – or at least until they have eaten a balanced meal. The drinks take up valuable space.
Never let fits or begging affect the decisions you have made regarding the nutritional needs of your child. You are the parent and YOU know best. I’ve heard so many moms say, “He won’t eat anything else, so I serve him what he wants just to get him to eat.” Fooooey.
Supervise meal times. Don’t plop down their food and leave. Training requires presence. If one of your kids are disrupting the mealtime, either have them stand behind their chair or take their food away and have them sit there without anything in front of them. Be firm but kind – tell them it’s their choice to behave or sit there while everyone else finishes their meal.

My ebook, Raising Real Kids, has a bunch more, but for now, I’ll stop there. Be strong. Be kind. Be brave. Be consistent. Your family will appreciate the end result. An obedient child is a happy child.

Let me know how it goes.

It may be too late to train your child for this Thanksgiving, but put the training in place and you will have a better Christmas dinner – and every dinner thereafter. Rome wasn’t built in a day, and neither was your home. If you get started today then your tomorrows will be less stressful and much more enjoyable.

Our family was made up of a dozen other families with different experiences, disciplines and traditions. We adopted kids from 3 months old to 9 years old and we were able to train and teach each one of them to eat with dignity and appreciation. You can too. It’s not hard once you know what to do.

Feel free to ask me a question in the comments – I read every one. I will do my best to answer with some ideas to help you overcome meal time issues.

If you would like immediate access to me and our group of M.O.M.s, join the Mom of Many mailing list. You will not only receive information on parenting and free stuff like word art and giveaways, but you will also get invited to our exclusive M.O.M.s Facebook group where we chat every day about mom stuff.

Have a blessed Thanksgiving!

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The Kids' Thanksgiving Table {Mom of Many}

A Kid Friendly Thanksgiving Table – Parenting Tip #13

By Val Frania

In Family, Family Events, Parenting tips

Is Your Thanksgiving Table Kid Friendly?

Since the kids tend to get a bit impatient waiting for Thanksgiving dinner to get on the table, do a little something different this year.

Give them special placemats.

The Thanksgiving coloring pages are from Busy Bee Kid’s Printables. They will grab the kids’ attention and take it off you – giving you the freedom to finish up on your Thanksgiving preparations.

Create kid friendly hors d’oeuvres

Curb their appetites a bit with snack foods consistent with the holiday – if they are nutritious, you’ll have no worries!

If they are a bit older, go with a Mad Libs fill in the blank activity.

These Mad Libs can be found at My Sister’s Suitcase.

Happy Thanksgiving!

It’s a great time to focus on family and forget your to-do list…even if just for a day.

What are your plans for Thanksgiving? Please leave a comment and tell us what Thanksgiving traditions you enjoy each year.

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Does your child run away? Keep a Journal {Mom of Many}

Does your child run away? Parenting Tip # 12

By Val Frania

In Adoption, Educating Our Children, Family, Parenting tips

Running away from your problems is a race you will never win…

Recently a mom contacted me about her teenage son who has developed the habit of running away when he is upset.

We had a couple of kids try that a few times and it caused huge stress for our family. It’s a heart breaking moment when your child runs through the door when you are in the middle of a parenting moment. If you want to experience mind numbing F.E.A.R., just watch your child go out the door in a fit of defiance!

To download this FREE full resolution JPG word art, click the picture above.

Running away:

Exacerbates the problem because you can’t deal with it if they aren’t there!
Disrupts the family and scares the other children.
Puts them, you, and your family immediately at risk legally (you never know what they will do on the run).
Is unsafe for the child to be running around unsupervised.
Puts the public at risk because the child isn’t thinking clearly.
Is an act of rebellion – it must be addressed.

This was what I told the M.O.M. – in a nut shell.

I never did this but found myself wishing I had. Live and learn, right?

If your child has developed a habit of running away, be sure to call 911 IMMEDIATELY to let them know your child is on the run.
Be sure to let your child know ahead of time that if they run, you will call the police. Be clear that you love them and will do it to protect them, you, the rest of the family and the public.
Keep a journal EVERY DAY if you have a child that acts out. This will give you credibility if you run into any legal issues. Because I had NO PAPER TRAIL, my word was disregarded in time of crisis.
Get a good support system that will come to your aid day or night. Fill in at least one trusted friend and your pastor so there are others who will back you up in time of crisis and come to your house if you need them.

I had a good support system in place just weeks before our last incident, so between them and the Lord’s protection, we were fine. But it could have turned out disastrous!

If you need support join our M.O.M. group. We get it.

Has Your Child Rejected Your Faith? {Mom of Many}

Has your child rejected your faith? Parenting Tip #11

By Val Frania

In Family, Parenting tips, Things I've Learned

I asked my some of my newest M.O.M. members this question:

“If you had to name one parenting moment or a behavioral issues you couldn’t get victory over, what would it be?”

This is one mom’s question:

“Okay Val, I’ll give you mine – and I’d be thrilled if you have an answer: [How do you handle] adult children who turn their back on everything they’ve been taught about the Gospel? No victory yet with the almost 30-year old. I’m excited about the group and hope it will be a blessing.”

Here is my answer:

There was a time that I would just say, “Hope for the best and let God do the rest.” But now that I’m on the other side with several of my kids, I can say with confidence that you will see your child come back to God if he truly was saved when he was in your home. If not, then your example and training will give him a starting point that God will use one day to draw him to Himself. Either way you can have the confidence to know you have done what God put you in his life to do.

I have seen a good majority of our kids leave our home saying they would follow God only to run to the world and “enjoy” the sin it affords. BUT through the prayers of those who care for them and the fact that God doesn’t let go of His own, you can be sure that God will one day capture his heart. How long that will be remains to be seen, but realize that your job is done – God is in charge of them from now on.

Sometimes God sees a weakness in our child’s lives and allows them to go their own way to teach them something. But He will only let them go so far before He reels them in. You can trust God – He knows just what to do. I used to fear what would happen to my kids – feared their pain or loss. But I have come to treasure whatever God allows in their lives to change them. My trust in my God has tripled since I’ve seen Him work through my kids’ lives. I have a better understanding and know Him more. God changes us through our kids. That is a good thing. We can find solace in knowing that God knows what He is doing and we can trust Him.

The only thing you should do is keep your life in line as example and let God deal with the rest. Just love your son, accept him as he is and don’t push or question him. Let him know you are leaving him in God’s hands and you no longer are responsible for him. It will keep your relationship safe for him and leave him free to make the decision to follow God without thinking he is “giving in” because of you.

God cares for him. God cares for you and if they are important to you, that puts them at the top of God’s list – simply because you are important to Him. Don’t stress, just enjoy your son and let him feel accepted. Accept where he is and have peace about it. We can be sad, but we can still have peace. No judgements. It frees you and frees him. It’s the best place to be.

And BTW, your son hasn’t turned his back on all he knows to be true. God is firmly planted in his heart, he’s just not listening right now. But God is there – He hasn’t moved and never will.

God loves your son more than you do – that’s an awesome truth. Trust it.

If you are in the same boat as this mom, be encouraged.

It’s not just a platitude. I’ve seen it and can tell you for sure, God knows and cares.

He’s got this.

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M.O.M. A New Facebook Mom’s Support Group

By Val Frania

In Family, Parenting tips

Have you ever felt isolated, out of options or ganged up on? Do you wish you could find someone who understands?

Then join us at M.O.M. Click on the side banner in the right or CLICK HERE. >>>

For many years I felt isolated and alone. Now you don’t have to.

If you are a mom and interested in joining a new Facebook mom’s community where you will find:

no judgement
acceptance
ideas and advice
other moms who “get it”
a safe place of support

You will get information on our “closed” Facebook group and others goodies along the way. Join M.O.M.

Meanwhile,

Keep being amazing!

Why do we think we can control our kid’s every move? Parenting Tip #10

By Val Frania

In Adoption, Family, Parenting tips

Time for a reality check, moms!

No one is perfect. God only calls us to be faithful, not perfect. His Son was the only perfect person that walked this earth.
Parenting can be hard, especially if you have “interesting” children. Do your best, give God the rest.
You only see what others let you see. A perfect house and perfectly behaved children? It’s all an illusion.
Even God’s children (Adam and Eve) disobeyed and disappointed their Father. Who are we to think we can control our kids’ every decision and action?
God knows we are “but flesh” so He understands our weaknesses and failings and still loves us. (Psalm 78:39)

This is for you today – a word art to help you to remember that we are all human just trying to do our best:

To download a high resolution JPG for printing, click on the word art above or here.

Now go out and be amazing!

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