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Adult Kids {Mom of Many.net}

5 Things NOT to Say to Your Adult Kids – Parenting Tip #16

Adult Kids {Mom of Many.net}We were blessed with lots of family this Thanksgiving weekend. We have babies!

I’ll keep this quick since I have family in this weekend…

As your kids grow and go, your ability to influence changes.

Let’s explore what NOT to say to your adult kids.

  1. Unless asked, don’t offer advice.
  2. Never criticize or jab your kids with little irritating comments.
  3. If you have a problem with their lifestyle, keep it to yourself.
  4. Never intervene during your kid’s and their spouse’s disagreements.
  5. Never tell them they are raising their kids wrong. N.E.V.E.R.

There are a ton more, but you get the picture.

Our job now that our kids are grown and establishing their own family is to enjoy them. We are here if they need us. Our relationships now as adults do not require us to take responsibility for any of their choices, so we are free to step back and just let them be who they are.

If they want our advice, they will ask.

If they need our help, we need to be available, judgement free, and supportive.

Is this difficult? Yes, sometimes. But to be free of responsibility is very liberating. We work hard at it and try to keep the lines of communication open.

We are in the process of developing new relationships with our kids – some are there, some need work some are non-existent, but we are hopeful. When they are ready, they will come.

The main thing to remember is to watch, wait and hope – and be ready.

 

Val @ Mom of Many

Join the Mom of Many mailing list for tips on parenting and free stuff like word art and giveaways. You will also be invited to our exclusive M.O.M.s Facebook group where we chat every day about mom stuff.

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Do you teach your kids to help mom? {Mom of Many}

Do you teach your kids to help mom? Parenting Tip #15

 

Do you teach your kids to help mom? {Mom of Many}When our kids were little we started the “special thing.”

Bedtimes were set in stone unless our kids found something special to do for mom. It could be sweeping the floor, picking up the baby’s toys, or folding a basket of laundry. BUT…it had to be something for mom and they had to think it up themselves.

Not only was it a help to me, the mom who’s job was never done, it taught them to think of others. Some days they would think all day long on what they could do to earn another half hour to stay up and play.

My kids know how to serve others.

They know how to work.

They know how to plan ahead.

Even when the teenage years came along, there were moments:

My son Levi and I liked to peel grapefruit right down to the little pillows of liquid. It was the most exquisite breakfast food ever. It took us about 15 minutes or more to do so but it was so worth the time and effort. The rest of the kids didn’t have the patience.

One day I was talking on the phone with my DH telling him about an exchange I had with someone that had caused me great distress. My son saw how upset I was and while on the phone, he brought me a peeled grapefruit.

Needless to say, I lost it. I started bawling my eyes out because of this impulsive act of kindness. He looked at me like, “What did I do?”

I have this thing; I can be very brave and weather the toughest storm…unless you are nice to me. That is when I lose it.

A mom can go through some tough moments and weather them just fine because they ALWAYS feel they must be the strong for others. But then someone shows a little kindness and that compassion breaks through the ice. That ice isn’t bad – sometimes it is necessary to get through the tough times.

Too often moms put themselves last because they think doing so is being a good example.

But let’s not forget that we are teaching future husbands and fathers. They must learn to respect and honor mom. Their future wives will thank you.

If there was one last piece of pie, my DH would always offer it to me first. He wanted to show our sons that mom was to be cared for. I have always told my boys that girls are delicate flowers and they should treat them as such.

Tomorrow we will talk about kids that don’t do as they are taught when they grow into adults – what does a mom do?

TTYT!

Val @ Mom of Many

If you are interested in our group of M.O.M.s, join the Mom of Many mailing list. You will receive information on parenting and free stuff like word art and giveaways. You will also be invited to our exclusive M.O.M.s Facebook group where we chat every day about mom stuff.

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Meal time fiasco? {Mom of Many}

Are meal times a fiasco? Parenting Tip #14

Mealtime bliss can be achieved…

In the spirit of Thanksgiving (not the thankfulness part, but the mom’s part in the dinner), I will give you a couple of tips on how to make it less stressful.

Meal time fiasco? {Mom of Many}

These are tips that will make your entire year better and less stressful.

Meal times should be a pleasant family experience but if you are constantly yelling at your kids to sit down and eat their food, they are anything but.

Easy fixes for kids who have food issues

  1. Teach them to stay in their seat during meal times. From early on you can accomplish this through consistency. Never allow them to get out of their seat and if they do repeatedly and a simple “stay in your seat” isn’t working, let them know that if they get out of their seat, meal time is over for them. Be sure to follow through – it will be hard, but they will learn quickly.
  2. Only give them the food you KNOW they will finish. If you have a picky eater, serve the most important food first and then the other foods as that is finished. Example: If your child tends to eat the fruit and pick at the sandwich, give them a half sandwich first and nothing else until that is gone. At that point you can decide if you will give the other half or the rest of the meal. Get to know their appetites and serve food accordingly. Serve the less desirable food first.
  3. Don’t serve milk or juice until meal time is over – or at least until they have eaten a balanced meal. The drinks take up valuable space.
  4. Never let fits or begging affect the decisions you have made regarding the nutritional needs of your child. You are the parent and YOU know best. I’ve heard so many moms say, “He won’t eat anything else, so I serve him what he wants just to get him to eat.” Fooooey.
  5. Supervise meal times. Don’t plop down their food and leave. Training requires presence. If one of your kids are disrupting the mealtime, either have them stand behind their chair or take their food away and have them sit there without anything in front of them. Be firm but kind – tell them it’s their choice to behave or sit there while everyone else finishes their meal.

Are your mealtimes a fiasco? Parenting Tip #14 {Mom of Many}

My ebook, Raising Real Kids, has a bunch more, but for now, I’ll stop there. Be strong. Be kind. Be brave. Be consistent. Your family will appreciate the end result. An obedient child is a happy child.

Let me know how it goes.

It may be too late to train your child for this Thanksgiving, but put the training in place and you will have a better Christmas dinner – and every dinner thereafter. Rome wasn’t built in a day, and neither was your home. If you get started today then your tomorrows will be less stressful and much more enjoyable.

Our family was made up of a dozen other families with different experiences, disciplines and traditions. We adopted kids from 3 months old to 9 years old and we were able to train and teach each one of them to eat with dignity and appreciation. You can too. It’s not hard once you know what to do.

Feel free to ask me a question in the comments – I read every one.  I will do my best to answer with some ideas to help you overcome meal time issues.

If you would like immediate access to me and our group of M.O.M.s, join the Mom of Many mailing list. You will not only receive information on parenting and free stuff like word art and giveaways, but you will also get invited to our exclusive M.O.M.s Facebook group where we chat every day about mom stuff.

Have a blessed Thanksgiving!

Val @ Mom of Many

Join our M.O.M. Facebook group and newsletter here or click below:

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The Kids' Thanksgiving Table {Mom of Many}

A Kid Friendly Thanksgiving Table – Parenting Tip #13

Is Your Thanksgiving Table Kid Friendly?

Since the kids tend to get a bit impatient waiting for Thanksgiving dinner to get on the table, do a little something different this year.

Give them special placemats.

The Kids' Thanksgiving Table {Mom of Many}

The Thanksgiving coloring pages are from Busy Bee Kid’s Printables. They will grab the kids’ attention and take it off you – giving you the freedom to finish up on your Thanksgiving preparations.

The Kids' Thanksgiving Table {Mom of Many}

Create kid friendly hors d’oeuvres

Curb their appetites a bit with snack foods consistent with the holiday – if they are nutritious, you’ll have no worries!

The Kids' Thanksgiving Table {Mom of Many}

If they are a bit older, go with a Mad Libs fill in the blank activity.

The Kids' Thanksgiving Table {Mom of Many}

These Mad Libs can be found at My Sister’s Suitcase.

The Kids' Thanksgiving Table {Mom of Many}

The Kids' Thanksgiving Table {Mom of Many}

The Kids' Thanksgiving Table {Mom of Many}

Happy Thanksgiving!

It’s a great time to focus on family and forget your to-do list…even if just for a day.

What are your plans for Thanksgiving? Please leave a comment and tell us what Thanksgiving traditions you enjoy each year.

Val @ Mom of Many

Join us at M.O.M., a support community without judgment and receive an invitation to our “closed” Facebook group. Click here or the picture below.

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Does your child run away? Keep a Journal {Mom of Many}

Does your child run away? Parenting Tip # 12

 

Running away from your problems is a race you will never win…

Recently a mom contacted me about her teenage son who has developed the habit of running away when he is upset.

We had a couple of kids try that a few times and it caused huge stress for our family. It’s a heart breaking moment when your child runs through the door when you are in the middle of a parenting moment. If you want to experience mind numbing F.E.A.R., just watch your child go out the door in a fit of defiance!

Does your child run away? Keep a Journal {Mom of Many}

To download this FREE full resolution JPG word art, click the picture above.

Running away:

  1. Exacerbates the problem because you can’t deal with it if they aren’t there!
  2. Disrupts the family and scares the other children.
  3. Puts them, you, and your family immediately at risk legally (you never know what they will do on the run).
  4. Is unsafe for the child to be running around unsupervised.
  5. Puts the public at risk because the child isn’t thinking clearly.
  6. Is an act of rebellion – it must be addressed.

This was what I told the M.O.M. – in a nut shell.

I never did this but found myself wishing I had. Live and learn, right?

Does your child run away? Keep a Journal {Mom of Many}

  1. If your child has developed a habit of running away, be sure to call 911 IMMEDIATELY to let them know your child is on the run.
  2. Be sure to let your child know ahead of time that if they run, you will call the police. Be clear that you love them and will do it to protect them, you, the rest of the family and the public.
  3. Keep a journal EVERY DAY if you have a child that acts out. This will give you credibility if you run into any legal issues. Because I had NO PAPER TRAIL, my word was disregarded in time of crisis.
  4. Get a good support system that will come to your aid day or night. Fill in at least one trusted friend and your pastor so there are others who will back you up in time of crisis and come to your house if you need them.

I had a good support system in place just weeks before our last incident, so between them and the Lord’s protection, we were fine. But it could have turned out disastrous!

If you need support join our M.O.M. group. We get it.

Val @ Mom of Many

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Has Your Child Rejected Your Faith? {Mom of Many}

Has your child rejected your faith? Parenting Tip #11

Has Your Child Rejected Your Faith? {Mom of Many}I asked my some of my newest M.O.M. members this question:

“If you had to name one parenting moment or a behavioral issues you couldn’t get victory over, what would it be?”

This is one mom’s question:

“Okay Val, I’ll give you mine – and I’d be thrilled if you have an answer: [How do you handle] adult children who turn their back on everything they’ve been taught about the Gospel? No victory yet with the almost 30-year old. I’m excited about the group and hope it will be a blessing.”

Here is my answer:

There was a time that I would just say, “Hope for the best and let God do the rest.” But now that I’m on the other side with several of my kids, I can say with confidence that you will see your child come back to God if he truly was saved when he was in your home. If not, then your example and training will give him a starting point that God will use one day to draw him to Himself. Either way you can have the confidence to know you have done what God put you in his life to do.

I have seen a good majority of our kids leave our home saying they would follow God only to run to the world and “enjoy” the sin it affords. BUT through the prayers of those who care for them and the fact that God doesn’t let go of His own, you can be sure that God will one day capture his heart. How long that will be remains to be seen, but realize that your job is done – God is in charge of them from now on.

Sometimes God sees a weakness in our child’s lives and allows them to go their own way to teach them something. But He will only let them go so far before He reels them in. You can trust God – He knows just what to do. I used to fear what would happen to my kids – feared their pain or loss. But I have come to treasure whatever God allows in their lives to change them. My trust in my God has tripled since I’ve seen Him work through my kids’ lives. I have a better understanding and know Him more. God changes us through our kids. That is a good thing. We can find solace in knowing that God knows what He is doing and we can trust Him.

The only thing you should do is keep your life in line as example and let God deal with the rest. Just love your son, accept him as he is and don’t push or question him. Let him know you are leaving him in God’s hands and you no longer are responsible for him. It will keep your relationship safe for him and leave him free to make the decision to follow God without thinking he is “giving in” because of you.

God cares for him. God cares for you and if they are important to you, that puts them at the top of God’s list – simply because you are important to Him. Don’t stress, just enjoy your son and let him feel accepted. Accept where he is and have peace about it. We can be sad, but we can still have peace. No judgements. It frees you and frees him. It’s the best place to be.

And BTW, your son hasn’t turned his back on all he knows to be true. God is firmly planted in his heart, he’s just not listening right now. But God is there – He hasn’t moved and never will.

God loves your son more than you do – that’s an awesome truth. Trust it.

Parenting Tip for Adoptive Moms {Mom of Many)

If you are in the same boat as this mom, be encouraged.

It’s not just a platitude. I’ve seen it and can tell you for sure, God knows and cares.

He’s got this.

Val @ Mom of Many

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Helping and Healing {Love My DIY Home}

M.O.M. A New Facebook Mom’s Support Group

Helping and Healing {Love My DIY Home}

Have you ever felt isolated, out of options or ganged up on? Do you wish you could find someone who understands?

Then join us at M.O.M. Click on the side banner in the right or CLICK HERE. >>>

For many years I felt isolated and alone. Now you don’t have to.

If you are a mom and interested in joining a new Facebook mom’s community where you will find:

  • no judgement
  • acceptance
  • ideas and advice
  • other moms who “get it”
  • a safe place of support

You will get information on our “closed” Facebook group and others goodies along the way.  Join M.O.M.

Meanwhile,

Keep being amazing!

Val @ Mom of Many

MomofMany.net

 

Good Moms Word Art {Mom of Many}

Why do we think we can control our kid’s every move? Parenting Tip #10

FREE Good Moms Word Art {Mom of Many}Time for a reality check, moms!

  1. No one is perfect. God only calls us to be faithful, not perfect. His Son was the only perfect person that walked this earth.
  2. Parenting can be hard, especially if you have “interesting” children. Do your best, give God the rest.
  3. You only see what others let you see.  A perfect house and perfectly behaved children? It’s all an illusion.
  4. Even God’s children (Adam and Eve) disobeyed and disappointed their Father. Who are we to think we can control our kids’ every decision and action?
  5. God knows we are “but flesh” so He understands our weaknesses and failings and still loves us. (Psalm 78:39)

This is for you today – a word art to help you to remember that we are all human just trying to do our best:

Good Moms FREE Word Art {Mom of Many}

To download a high resolution JPG for printing, click on the word art above or here.

Now go out and be amazing!

Val @ Mom of Many

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When God Blows You Away - the story of our son {Mom of Many}

When God Blows You Away – Parenting Tip #8

Parenting Tip for Adoptive Moms {Mom of Many)

Today’s tip is very simple.

Parenting Tip for Adoptive Moms {Mom of Many)

When God Blows You Away - the story of our son {Mom of Many}

Never give up on your kids – no matter what.

Our only job as parents is to be faithful.

We are to provide for them, love them, teach them and point them to God. When our job is complete and they go out on their own, God will take over and do His work. We must let Him do it and trust His methods.

He knows. We don’t. We just have to trust.

Parenting Tip for Adoptive Moms {Mom of Many)

Let me tell you about my son.

Parenting Tip for Adoptive Moms {Mom of Many)

We adopted our son when he was nearly four months old. He had been in an orphanage since birth.

When we went to the airport to pick him up, I took a little tuxedo sleeper to change him into to bring him home. When I dressed him I was shocked to see how weak his limbs were – I was scared to move him around for fear I would break him!

It took us months to get a handle on his health issues. He was allergic to formula so we had to switch to goat’s milk.

He came down with Pneumonia every few weeks, which eventually brought us an asthma diagnosis. For many years we treated his asthma attacks at home with a nebulizer. Asthma is scary.

He earned the title “interesting” kid early on in his life because of his strong will and headstong personality – but fortunately he was endearing. He drew people to him with his magnetic personality and loving heart.

Parenting Tip for Adoptive Moms {Mom of Many)

Along came the teen years.

Parenting Tip for Adoptive Moms {Mom of Many)

Let’s just say they were challenging. 🙂

He went to Bible college after high school – simply because we asked him to. He and I had many discussions about his future when he was a teen. He disliked my idea that he would be a great servant of God if he’s just surrender. He assumed I meant ministry, which he vehemently opposed. I tried to assure him not ministry but some sort of service to God with his life. I saw great potential in him but surrender has never been in his vocabulary.

Parenting Tip for Adoptive Moms {Mom of Many)

Often folks will deny God’s call because of a fear of what God will ask them to do.

Parenting Tip for Adoptive Moms {Mom of Many)

I knew this to be the case with our son. There was no way I could assure him that to follow God’s call is the safest and most rewarding place to be.

The summer after his first year at college he joined the Marines and went to boot camp. We had hoped he would wait until he was done with college – when he was older. The entire next year at college was a struggle and we feared for our son.

Not long after that he went to Iraq.  He knew I would be worried about him, so he called home often with a SAT phone while standing on the roof of his Humvee to get a signal. I lived for those calls!

Later he volunteered for an overseas mission. Military service can take its toll, but at the same time can be an experience that builds character and strengthens a man’s heart.

The influences in the military and the many losses he has endured over the past few years took its toll. We begged God to preserve him.

When God Blows You Away - the story of our son {Mom of Many}

Parenting Tip for Adoptive Moms {Mom of Many)

I’ve never regretted adopting my kids.

Parenting Tip for Adoptive Moms {Mom of Many)

I have feared for our kids over the years and wondered at times if they would ever make it to adulthood and be happy, well adjusted adults. It has been hard watching them go through the pain of loss, regret, rejection – and all of what this world can bring. Of course every mom is concerned for their kids, but when you adopt “interesting” kids, often they have a lot to overcome – much more than those who have had the advantage of a smooth and uneventful beginning.

Today I can assure you that our son has indeed not only survived but is thriving. He has reconciled all of his past and has built his character. He has come through his challenges and become an amazing man – one who defends our freedom and cares for others.

 

When God Blows You Away - the story of our son {Mom of Many}

Parenting Tip for Adoptive Moms {Mom of Many)

He has a new mission – one that most men would not consider EVER:

Parenting Tip for Adoptive Moms {Mom of Many)

Quote from his GoFundMe account on Facebook:

“I am returning to Iraq to help the Kurds. I was honorably discharged as a Sergeant in the US Marine Corps Infantry, and have a history with Iraq and that region of the world.

…My goal is to head there with a couple cameras/camcorders, Go Pro, laptop, SD cards, etc. This will allow me to upload everything stateside so that my liaisons in the US can connect the story and spread it to the public. 

For the past 3-4 years I have strongly thought about going back. The past year was not a pleasant one which led me to make my decision to go back. Some thought/think that I am running away from something, and so did I for a little. I’m actually running toward something, it took me a while to get grounded to my roots, the reason why I initially felt I needed to help the Kurds. 

My initial plan was to just head over and fight with the Kurds, but the saying “The pen is mightier than the sword” is so very true. This mission is about fighting alongside the Kurds and telling their story, but it’s [also] about telling the story of the Veterans of Afghanistan and Iraq who are back in Iraq volunteering with the Kurds. It’s about telling the story of the couple thousand people from all over the world banded together to fight for humanity. My goal is to tell a story of people who take no heed of race, religion, language, ethnicity, region of the world, but see each other as brothers and sisters of this world. 

The overall goal to tell this story, this documentary, is for global education on global awareness. If enough people can see that people are standing up to fight for humanity, we can get even more people to stand together. While the nations of the world can never agree on one thing, we as humans can all agree that the Kurds deserve the basic rights of humanity: Life. There is a hate out there that people are trying to extinguish. If we as humans of the world can band together to end this hate, maybe we can start to see each other as brothers and sisters of the planet we share. To give the next generation a chance of hope. The story just needs to be told.

I am blessed to call him son and pray God will preserve him as he goes to help the helpless. He truly is a credit to his nation and is willing to put his life on the line to protect those in need. What a great work God has done – He has truly blown me away.

When God Blows You Away - the story of our son {Mom of Many}

Parenting Tip for Adoptive Moms {Mom of Many)

Not only am I proud of our son; he is MY HERO.

Parenting Tip for Adoptive Moms {Mom of Many)

There is hope moms – cling to it.

UPDATE: Due to the changing political scene, Andrew took up a different mission. Rather than going to fight, he went to save the refugees fleeing the war torn nations. Catch up on his mission here: AndrewFrania.com. He has found his calling.

Val @ Mom of Many

All photos by Charizma Photography, L.L.C. @ www.charizmaphotography.com. Katy Frey is an amazing photographer – check out her site. You will be blessed.

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Families are Forever {Mom of Many}

Are you waiting for your child to come home? Parenting Tip #7

Too often we dwell on the hard things in life – the difficult circumstance and bad memories.

I suppose it’s human nature to focus on the negative. But today I’m going to do something a bit different.

Let me encourage you to have hope. If you are a parent who has suffered discouragement, disappointment or a loss of the dream, then this one’s for you.

I’m here as proof that things will get better.

We have 15 children. Two by birth and 13 through adoption. I’d be lying if I said the journey has been easy. We had major struggles and have endured a lot of pain. But there also were great moments – watching our kids learn, grow, overcome and learn to enjoy life has been amazing.

For a long time I despaired of ever having my dream of a close loving family of 17 – with so much trauma and pain in my kids’ pasts, that mountain seems too high to climb most days. But I still hope. Every morning I awaken and every night I go to bed I wish our family was all together, enjoying being with each other.

Some day.

Are you waiting for your kids to come home? {Mom of Many}

Here are a few things you need to know.

  1. Never judge a family, a parent or child, based on one specific period of time – a snapshot. You cannot know the value of a person unless you know their heart and even that sometimes is hard to read. Too often people judged our kids during the teen years as being unsalvageable. At times I wondered myself because I had no one to tell me differently.
  2. Never lose hope. If your children chose a different path, don’t despair. Many of my children left our home and walked a path different from what we laid out for them. But one by one we are seeing them come back to us and forge a new relationship – an adult to adult relationship that is sweet and blessed.
  3. Let them go but don’t let them go. If your children walk away to live a life contrary to your belief system, you need to let them go. I don’t mean cut them off or ignore their calls or shun them. I do mean let them go and tell them, “If you decide to walk a different road, I won’t come with you, but I will be right here waiting for you to come back – any time day or night.” Always leave the light on. Always be looking out the window, watching for them to come home. Pray God will work in their lives and keep them safe.
  4. When they come back, lose the past. Remember it, learn from it, but don’t cling to it. Let it go. None of it matters any more. They were kids. Yes, they may have made bad choices, but they have grown and changed and need to know you still want them, still love them.
  5. Realize that the new relationship with your kids can be amazing. You no longer are responsible for their decisions, you don’t need to take care of them any more and you can sit back and just enjoy them (and your grandkids!). No judging. No advice giving. No pushing and prodding. Just let them be. Enjoy them as they are and let the rest go. Let them know they are accepted as they are and that they do not answer to you any more. Give them room to grow and freedom to live their lives without worrying about being criticized. You need to be “safe” in their eyes.

To bring it home…

In our family we have 7 daughters, 8 sons, 5 sons-in law, 4 moms, 2 Marines, 2 in the Navy, 13 beautiful grandkids, a programmer, a pastor, 3 nannies, 2 graphic designers, 2 teachers, a pilot, 3 company managers, 1 dispatcher, a bookkeeper, 1 limo driver, 3 CEOs, an animator,  6 college graduates, a CNA, 2 photographers, and some with other cool titles I can’t think of right now.

God has blessed our family and is not finished with us yet.

We have an amazing family and one day they all will know and appreciate that – ONE DAY.

Until then, I’ll keep the light on.

Val @ Mom of Many

 

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