Category: Family Page 11 of 13

Raising a family isn’t always easy, but with a little work can be very rewarding.

Adoption Drama – a Story of One Woman’s Difficult Journey

Here is a blog I just read this morning. I spent an hour reading it from back to front (blogs post the most recent first, and then you become so intrigued you keep hitting the back button to see what preceeded it). If any of you wish to read a story very similar to ours, please check this blog out. After you read it, spend some time praying for this woman. I could have written 99% of her story and put my name as author – it is so much the same as ours. Though I am so very sorry for what she’s going through, it was strangely validating. If you truly want to understand the plight of a family who has adopted emotionally impaired children, please read Adoption drama…. “The System.” I’ll start you from the beginning posting so you can read it in order of occurrence.

The sad thing is, there is no answer. We are adrift in the sea of fear and regret. Only God knows…and those who have lived it.

Possible Way to Diagnose FASD

By Val Frania

In Adoption, FAS

Here is an article about an eye exam that that could possibly diagnose Fetal Alcohol Syndrome.

14 Year Old John’s Therapist

By Val Frania

In Adoption, FAS

This is a sample of what “Mrs. Smith” encounters when she attends a family therapy session at the residential center that houses her son, John, who has FAS. If it weren’t so ridiculous, it would be amusing. This is why some of us whom have adopted FAS kids do not seek out help.

I am updating you all, thinking that you will be in a position to appreciate, in a special way, this particular segment of my FASD odyssey.

I just got a copy of the treatment plan they (John’s residential program) “forgot” to give me in September. These treatment plans are always a good read, if you have a sense of humor. They have ratings and give scores for areas they consider important to the treatment of the child in the residential facility. They rate the child and his progress. They also rate the family. Each facility seems to have some variation of this basic “treatment plan” which they are required to write and submit every 3 months to the adoptions subsidy dept. [who pays for his residential treatment and housing].

This time I was rated high in the “social support system” category (a +2). I guess they figure I must have some support somewhere if I could pull off getting him funded for another 6 months, but my ratings went way down in the “parenting skills” category. This time I got a -3 (improvement needed). In “communication/interpersonal skills” I got a -2 (limited or ineffective skills).

Why have my parenting and communication skills taken such a sudden drop? The answer is: the therapist has uncovered the “real” problem in this case – John, a relatively normal, impulsive child has a mom who does not “believe in him.” Their assessment rates me in various other ways, if you’re ready, here we go:

intellectual capacity: 0 (average or above average)
literacy: 0 (literate)
resource management: +1 (strong money management skills)
sexual abuse: -2 (failed to protect child from sexual abuse)

But here is where we see the real “new insight” the therapist has come to (as listed under the family strengths and needs assessment section:

“…It is clear that he (John) does have problems. However, all behavior occurs within a context. The context of the interactions between John and Ms Smith are becoming clear. There are some significant communication problems. In addition to this, there seems to be a problem in the relationship….” and on and on.

Under the “parenting skills” (-3) section we get to the crux of the matter:

” ….the parental relationship will be addressed in family therapy to address this issues so that the underlying skills “(my underlying basically appropriate parenting skills)”can again be used. In addition, some new skills and specific interactions for John could be learned. The issue related to John having FASD is one such problem. It is clear that John has some brain damage and this is probably related to his in utero exposure. However, this does not have to scar him for life and he can retrain his brain. John has picked up on some of her negative views. This has been addressed in family therapy and will continue to be addressed with Ms Smith individually as well as between her and John.”

So if we can read between the lines here we see that John’s main problem is that his mom thinks he has a brain problem that will scar him for life. She has subtly communicated this to him, and this has caused him a real problem that underlies all his other behavioral problems. When this gets cleared up, his behaviors will improve. His wounds from this parental mistreatment will be healed. When Ms Smith comes to her senses and recognizes that John has a mild form of FAS that can be overcome, stops sending him negative messages, and start “believing in him,” then all will be well. Mr. Therapist will work therapeutically to enlighten Ms. Smith and, if successful, major family issues will be resolved, John’s behavior will be impacted in a positive way, and he will be ready to be reunited with his family.

Mr. Therapist met with me privately before last Wednesday’s family therapy session and began is “therapeutic work” with me. Finding it somewhat difficult to sit through this “therapy,” I took notes, just to be sure I was not misunderstanding his intentions. Although Mr. Therapist became somewhat heated and loud at times when I asked my questions, I was able to maintain my composure most of the time, though my pen did slip once or twice.

I will only quote highlights:

Mr. Therapist: “You are only just focused on FASD and its limitations”

(I, who have advocated for FASD strengths possibilities publicly for some time, sat calmly, and kept smiling… using my listening skills learned as a therapist)

Mr. Therapist: “Yes, there is brain damage from FAS, from trauma, from abuse, it is all damage to the brain. Other parts can compensate for the damaged area. There is nature and nurture. Down’s syndrome, autism, that is nature, that is genetic. FAS is not genetic, it is environmental, in the womb. You, Ms Smith, see it as all nature, and think it can’t change. Other areas of his brain can compensate for the damage. You need nurture.”

Ms Smith: “So, did you get some special training on FASD that I am unaware of? I haven’t heard of this FAS teaching.”

Mr. Therapist: “Yes, I had developmental psych in college. I know all about FASD.”

Ms Smith: “If you’d like some more up to date FASD information, I can get you connected with FREE training provided through the State.”

Mr Therapist: “We don’t need training. It’s not going to help because we already know, and it won’t have any direct impact on our treatment for John. “

Ms Smith: I find it interesting that after 6 months John is on level 3 in talk therapy, and is just now getting to level 1.5 in his behavior on the unit. Can you help me understand why this is the case?”

Mr. Therapist: “Well, yes. This is because he came in to us at such a low level of functioning.”

Ms. Smith: “You mean, like he started of at a -3? And this would be as a result of his home environment?”

Mr. Therapist: “Yes, that, and at [his prior foster home].”

Ms Smith: “So, just let me clarify if I am hearing what you are saying. The problem is mostly environmental. You can address that here, and get good resolution with my cooperation. Any FASD issues are minimal, and can be overcome. And you don’t want any free training from the State to bring you up to speed on FASD, because you don’t need it.

Mr. Therapist: “yes”

Hope you enjoyed reading this entertaining saga…to be continued.

We are all on a journey!

I fully intended on just publishing this and not commenting on it, but I just can’t! I have no formal training on FAS, only personal experience, but apparently that is much more than this “trained” therapist has! No, this boy doesn’t act out because of her mother’s negativity or her focus on his FAS. He has FAS – brain damage – and all the negativity or positivity in the world will not change that. He is who he is – HELLO!

I have never once discussed FAS with one of my sons who has behaviors just like John. Her emails about what her son’s actions are like could have been written by me about MY son. I have never one time set limitations on what my son could accomplish or discouraged him from setting realistic goals just like anyone else who doesn’t have FAS. We have never treated him like he has a disability, and if you didn’t know him well, you’d never know he has FAS. Yet, his behavior is the same as John’s. So explain that! How about we fire all the therapists and hire all the moms who really know? I especially was appalled at this statement made by the therapist: “Other areas of his brain can compensate for the damage. You need nurture.”

Uh, no you can’t! While it is true that FAS kids can learn skills and new ways of doing things, it is NOT true that you can ignore or wish away the alcohol damage. Everyone in the world, except apparently this therapist, knows that alcohol damage is forever and all the nurturning in the world will not change that! This man needs to quit his job and take up gardening – he needs to nurture plants far away from our children who need real help.

A Little Background on 14 Year Old John

By Val Frania

In Adoption, FAS

An email sent to me from Mrs. Smith…

I adopted John at birth, 3 days old through foster care. I attended an FAS training, for professional purposes, when he was 2, and began seeing the unmistakable “red flags” that said he might be alcohol affected. I’m a teacher by my training and experience, so I knew “normal” and what was outside the normal.

He had trouble in school, so I began homeschooling him at age 7. He was diagnosed officially at age 8. He is FASD….. has a normal IQ, and looks and acts for all the world as normal,or “very bright” when you first meet him. Therapists have a hard time thinking he’s not “normal.” He talks very well, and his thinking problems do not appear until you see him in action over time.

He became increasingly hard to manage as he grew up. I placed him in as structured a school program as I could find for 4th grade when he was 10, he went into residential treatment after being twice suspended and removed from his charter school, at the age of 12….. in the middle of his 5th grade year. He’s been in residential since then. He is now 14.

He is a physically strong and healthy young man. He can cook, follow directions well, and is great at chores. He planted and cared for a garden 2 years in a row. He is a great yard worker, and landscape worker. He has potential he can use. He is sorry for his bad behavior in the past, and wants to grow up and do good in society. I am very interested in the new farm idea being proposed here for FASD young adults. I am hoping he can be part of that as it develops.

Neurobiofeedback for Children with FAS

By Val Frania

In FAS

Click here to read an article on a possible treatment for FAS or ADHD. Ther is also an article about a personal family experience with the neurobiofeedback treatment by Carol Cole.

Drunk for Life: Fetal Alcohol Syndrome

By Val Frania

In Adoption

Gail Harris, who has worked with Arizona children with FAS and FAE since the 1970s as a special education teacher, worries about children with FAE. “Fetal alcohol effect is a hidden handicap,” Harris said. “The kid looks normal, but his behavior or his ability to learn is severely impaired. We feel like they should be able to control themselves more than they can. So we end up blaming the child.”

Theresa Kellerman, a Tucson parent advocate, said children with FAE often come across as brighter than they are. “The expectations are so high because they can come across as really intelligent.” Ruth Solomon teaches at-risk kids at Kellond Elementary School and believes many of them have FAE. “These are the gray-area kids, and there are no special classes for them,” she said. “This sounds horrible, but they are too dumb to be smart, too smart to be dumb. Some of the kids with FAE fall into this range.”

Solomon believes the number of FAE kids is growing. “So many of these kids are being born to women who think, ‘What do a couple of drinks do?’ But it can do so much damage.” “Kids with FAE appear to be normal otherwise, and that’s a big problem. FAE can be a bigger problem than FAS because it is so widespread and because people tend to discount its importance.”

To read this article in its entirety click here. It is a very, very long article from Southern Arizona Online a publication of The Tucson Citizen, but is probably the best one I’ve read in a long time. It explains Fetal Alcohol Syndrome by telling the stories of those affected by it. It’s definitely worth the read. I was able to identify with the stories because we have raised children with these issues for over 20 years. More than half of my children have the characteristics indicative of FAE/FAS.

An Email From an Old Friend

By Val Frania

In Adoption

Years ago, Mark and I formed an adoption support group called KIN Adoption Advocates (Kids In Need). Mostly we met together as families and shared experiences, but occasionally we were able to match up families with adoptable children who were special needs. By the end of our time in KIN, we had successfully helped place 16 children who had been waiting for a home. Below is a letter from one of the adoptive moms whom we helped find a child. Her son has been diagnosed with FAS (Fetal Alcohol syndrome). She found me last week on Facebook. We hadn’t spoken in years and it’s been nice catching up. Here is one of her emails to me:

“We left a church a year ago this past November because of some of these things [People not understanding the special needs of FAS kids]. Sadly, it was people who should definitely be a better example, the Pastor and his wife & kids. Their son is a real bully, and one day they are going to have to acknowledge it because he’ll do something they can’t gloss over. The mother is also a bully, sad to say, and singled out particular kids for shaming and bullying. They didn’t really believe anything about John’s disability. We’ve been in a church for about a year now where they are far more accepting of special needs. It’s a small, independent Baptist church.

I actually have 3 friends who “get it”. One is a local home-school mom with 13 kids, 11 adopted, six from Africa, and 5 from foster care system. One is my best “local” girl friend, she is also a homeschool mom with 2 boys, one in high school, one in college. My very dearest friend is a homeschool mom who lived here.[until recently]. She has 3 kids, age 10, 8 & 7.

Frequently, the boys and I pack up and go visit them for 3 or 4 days at a time. We go their for her kids birthdays and they come here for our kids birthdays. They were here last month for John’s birthday, and will be here next week for Joe’s. She gets it like you wouldn’t believe. She’s known us since shortly after we moved here; we went to the same church. That’s when John was 4. She’s seen the changes in him and frequently encourages me as a mom. She wrote such a glowing reference letter for us for this homestudy update! And she has agreed to take our kids and raise them if something were to happen to both of us. She has somewhat “challenging” children, so she totally gets it, because over the years she’s received the same kind of nasty comments about her kids and her parenting. People just don’t get that you can’t always just “discipline them more” or “spank them more”. There are kids that you could spank until they are dragging you off to jail and it would not change a behavior, that sometimes you just have to find other ways. We had a woman at a former church say she wished John didn’t even know he had FAS, that it’s just an excuse, and that if we just were tougher on him he’d be more pleasant to be around (he actually is pleasant most of the time, and better behaved than at least one of her kids ever thought of being). We’ve been told to lighten up and give him more freedom to run like the other kids, but when we do, something happens and he gets the blame. You know the drill. L

I think removing John from school all those years ago was the best thing we ever could have done for him. He still has that innocence, and we haven’t lost him to peers. We’ve talked with him a lot over the years about FAS and what it means for him, and he understands that he will be with us for as long as he needs to be. He understands that other kids his “age on paper” will get to do things he won’t be doing. A girl told him a couple years ago that her mom said it was ok if she “likes him for a boyfriend”, and John told her “no, my mom and dad will tell me if I am ever ready to have a girlfriend”. I was very proud of him for that!”

Mary

Chefs in the Making

By Val Frania

In My Kids

pork-loin-meal1 Our newest challenge in homeschooling is cooking class. Yesterday we put pork loin in the crockpot with fresh onions, mushroom soup, fresh sliced mushrooms and gourmet green beans. (We got the meat at Felpausch Sunday for 99 cents/lb.) Levi made onion soup (from scratch!) and Jacob made garlic mashed potatoes by adding additional ingredients to leftover mashed potatoes in the fridge. Right now they’re eating last night’s leftovers for lunch and discussing how Jacob made the garlic mashed potatoes. How funny that sounds, to hear two 17 year old boys (today is Levi’s b’day) discussing the culinary arts. The dinner was fabulous – as good as in any fancy restaurant. Here is a picture of how Jacob put the plates together. We had to have a fancy looking plate for such wonderful tasting food! I never thought I would say cooking is fun, but it is!

A Knee-jerk Response

By Val Frania

In Adoption, Musings, My Kids, Spiritual Truths, Things I've Learned

OK, normally I don’t respond to ignorant statements or rude accusations. It’s just not good practice. But occasionally a public insult requires a public rebuke and I feel that is warranted on occasion. There are others who are struggling with similar circumstances that may gain some insight or comfort in what I’m about to address. I made a decision a while back to share my experiences with you all – both good and bad – in an attempt to bring God glory by using His Word to counter the evil in this world – both from the outside and from within my own heart. Yes, it is an assault on my pride to expose my pain to others. But if it will help someone along the way, I am obligated to share it. It is God who must be lifted up – not me. I have always believed the statement: John 3:30 “He must increase, but I must decrease,” but I have not always lived it. Today I am going to live it – much to my own demise.

I have no doubt that when I get to the point of this posting, I will experience much public dishonor from the child that has chosen to dishonor her mother by pouting online when she should be repenting in private. But I also believe that much good can be accomplished by avoiding the “mamby pamby religion” of the world by addressing a sin pubically that has been committed publically. (“Them that sin rebuke before all, that others also may fear.” I Timothy 5:20) Although this doesn’t say the sin must be a public one before we rebuke publically, I try to stick with the advice I was once given, “Praise publically, rebuke in private.” The Internet has complicated relationships by exposing the world to private concerns by those who do not have the wisdom to keep “private” things “private” (that’s why they’re called “private”).

I have some children whom I have adopted that are not living for God. We as parents set the right example, told them of our wonderful God and His provision, love and care, advised them against evil and helped them in every way we knew possible to live clean, God pleasing lives. We were successful with some and with others, not so successsful. Though I know we are only called to be faithful and rely on God for the results, we have had many a broken heart over some of our children’s choices to live for themselves.

Some of these children had hearts that were tainted before God took them out of the world and planted them into our family. They had experienced sin in a way as small children that haunted them throughout their days with us and on to adulthood. Though we showed them a loving, healing God, the time in our home apparently was not enough to bring a complete transformation. We were tough disciplinarians for we knew we were obligated to address each and every sinful behavior in order to keep our house in order, but we also provided loving acceptance – not of their sin, by any means, but of them as a person. Unfortunately, the bitter, wayward ones only remember the discipline and assign responsibility to us for it, but that is only a sinful, immature response to their own guilt and consequences for their sinful choices.

The way of the transgressor IS hard. (Prov. 13:15) I would find it somewhat amusing if it were not totally heartbreaking that some of our children are proving the negative aspects of the Bible with their lives. Many verses in the Bible that address sinful living and the results of such life choices are being proven out in those in our family who are not living right. That said, I’m going to share with you some of the comments made by adopted children that I’ve encountered over the years. The last one is the one I am specifically addressing in this post and is currently displayed online. Keep in mind that we are not supposed to be offended by other people’s comments or actions, but to focus on God and what He has done for us. We tend to be a petty and superficial people and fall prey to hurtful gestures or comments. This is something I’ve worked on for years but have not successfully conquered. (Psalm 119:165 “Great peace have they which love thy law: and nothing shall offend them.”) If I am who I ought to be, these comments will not offend me. Yet, I find it a struggle daily.

“I just want to live on my own and stop living with all these rules.” Often you’ll find those who make this statement join the Marines. This is quite amusing to me! We all have accountability whether it be with our family, boss, or the law. This is an immature response from a rebellious heart.

“You love your birth kids more than us, your adopted ones.” I’ve never had this said to me personally, but others have endured this accusation. I’ve discovered the heart can love regardless of blood line. I actually forget sometimes that some of my kids are adopted and not mine by birth. If you ask me which of my children are adopted, I say, “I forget.” If asked which ones are “my own,” I’ll say, “I have 13 adopted and 2 homemade and they’re all my own.” It doesn’t matter how you come into our family; what matters is that God made us a family and that’s that. I guess that’s the love of God manifested. He has adopted us by a spiritual birth like we have adopted children by the court process. Parent/child adoption here on earth very much parallels the spiritual adoption of God toward believers. Add into the equation the spouses of our children, and you find another type of adopted love – that of accepting someone into our family by the choice of our children. I look at my sons-in-law as my sons – a bond that can’t even be broken by divorce. Sorry, that’s just how I am. Once a son, always a son. Get used to it! Adam, Mark and Scott, you’re stuck with me!

“I don’t have to do what you say when I turn 18.” Well, of course they don’t. By law, they become an adult and are at that time responsible for their own actions. But the Bible also says that we ought to honor our parents, seek wisdom of the aged, seek wise counsel, and seek the Kingdom first. (Eph. 6:2,3; Job 32:7; Prov. 24:5,6; Prov. 15:20-22; Matt. 6:33) If a child is wise and loves God, he will want to obey and follow the counsel of his parents. The problem encountered here isn’t necessarily one of disobedience, but one of wisdom and respect for the parents who sacrificed for the child the past 18 years. If the parents and the child are abiding in Christ, they both will receive guidance about the child’s future decisions. God didn’t put the child in that family only to sever the relationship at age 18. God will guide the parent who will in turn guide the child. That’s not to say that God won’t speak directly to the child, but He will also speak to the parents as well. We’ve had situations where God spoke to us first and then after relaying it to the child, she saw His direction. We’ve also experienced a child receiving something from God and sharing direction with us, which in turn caused us to seek God’s direction, which He gave. God will answer those who ask – whether it be child or parent. To seek wisdom from the parents and to trust their direction takes humility and submission. It’s only those who truly know God and abide in Him that posess these qualities.

There will be hard consequences for the child who goes off on his own and ignores the parent’s counsel. I think I speak for every parent when I say that I don’t want to live those consequences with them! If they are going to choose to be of the world, I do not want to join them. I will separate myself from the world because God has told me to and if my children are wanting me to participate in the world on their behalf, they will be disappointed. The attitude of, “I will do what I want,” will only lead to pain and failure. I have a child who repeatedly went against wise counsel and after one thing leading to another is presently in a ungodly lifestyle. This leads me to the last “comment” in which this blog is dedicated to. It was her words online that spurred me on to write this post.

“My mother doesn’t love me.” Recently one of my children made the statement online that I don’t love them. It’s kind of ridiculous that I’d even answer this one, for there has not been another mother in history that has had as much patience or forgiveness for a child than I have, nor has there been another that has given as much. I know I am at risk in responding to this, for it will appear that I am trying to answer this ridiculous charge by justifying myself. But I do feel a responsibility to answer this for all the adoptive mothers out there that have spent their life for a child who has no desire to love and serve God, let alone their family – the family that has done so much for them already. It’s like the verses: Prov. 26:4 “Answer not a fool according to his folly, lest thou also be like unto him.” Prov. 26:5 “Answer a fool according to his folly, lest he be wise in his own conceit.” Until this situation came up, I really didn’t understand these verses. But now I do. There is a popular saying in the world that basically says that you can’t win no matter what you do. That’s what these verses are implying. Foolish is as foolish does, so let’s not copy the foolish. But there are hurting moms out there that need to be vindicated. Forget ME – God knows. But I can’t leave those other hurting moms to fend for themselves. It’s not right. So, if you can indulge me a little, try not to think I am defending myself, think of it as I am defending all the moms who have given of themselves only to be dumped on and labled as unloving by their children. I throw my lot in with them today. Some of the things I’m listing here will not match others’ stories, but basically, our stories are the same. I will use the term “I” but really mean “we.” It’s just easier to write in the first person.

1. I took in a child that was tossed aside by a mother who didn’t love her enough to do right by her and put her needs ahead of her own. That’s called “adoption through court termination of the parent’s legal rights.” How many mothers do you know that were willing to take into their home a child who was physically and emotionally damaged? Oh, you don’t like that word, “damaged?” What word would you use? Let’s be real and use the words that fit. Realize too that “damaged” doesn’t mean “not valuable.” Actually, I think that God has a special place in His heart as we all should, for those who suffered at the hand of their parent – who was supposed to protect them. FAS causes actual holes in the brain, which by the way, is caused by the birth mother’s drinking while carrying this child. It is a damage that cannot be fixed. Many times you’ll find a child with FAS will have reasoning problems, lack of impulse control, trouble learning, etc. I have seen these things managed through spiritual growth. It never goes away, but God can still direct the heart.

2. I faithfully endured 18 years of lying, stealing, cheating, bitterness and rebellion – without reservation. I knew God gave me a job to do and did it to the best of my ability, faithfully – and may I add, without much help. There were times when we only had the Bible to refer to. There were no others around like us, no pastor could answer our questions, no one could offer us anything in counsel. I cannot list all the pastors that said, “I just don’t know what to tell you,” for they are too many. Yet God was faithful and sustained us.

3. Even after my child walked away from everything we’d taught her, I still continued to pray for her and welcome her back after it appeared she’d repented. This happened a dozen times, and each time we as parents were faithful. Each crisis that came, our counsel was always the same, love God, surrender to Him and your life will be peaceful and victorious. Yet, at each crisis, my words went unheeded and with each consequence, (and some of them were life altering) no changes were made toward following God and His Word.

4. I always counted her one of the family, regardless of what she did or how she treated me or other family members. Lies were told, accusations were made, yet I maintained my care for her. I did not choose to participate in her life when she was living contrary to God’s Word, for I too must answer to a righteous God who holds my life in His hands. But I never stopped hoping she’d do right and love her family. It’s funny to me that someone who lives such a wicked lifestyle can judge those who desire to stay out of it to be unloving. I haven’t changed these 20+ years other than hopefully progressing toward loving and knowing God more, and hopefully generated a bit more wisdom through it all. Though I could understand some of the behavior due to genetics and brain disfunction (FAS) I still maintain that God is the God of healing and He alone can bring someone to a righteous life regardless of their limitations. Either way, there is no excuse.

5. Though battered about, disappointed, dishonored and at times sustaining irrepairable loss and damage, I have loved my children consistently. Have I wanted to be with them while they live apart from God? Absolutely not. We are supposed to steer clear of those who live godless lives. (Romans 16:17 “Now I beseech you, brethren, mark them which cause divisions and offences contrary to the doctrine which ye have learned; and avoid them.” Prov. 4:14 “Enter not into the path of the wicked, and go not in the way of evil men.”)

Did the prodigal’s father follow him to the pig sty and ask for pictures and a first hand account? NO! He, nor his other son, wanted to fellowship with that lifestyle. Did he love the boy when he returned? Absolutely! Did the other son accept him with loving arms? Uh, No. Do you know why? I do. I’ve lived it and have seen it in my own family. When the prodigal returns – even with a genuine repentent attitude, the other siblings resent them because of all the things he did to the family and how he hurt the father. They don’t believe the repentance is genuine because they saw the pain it caused the father. Don’t be too hard on the prodigal’s brother. Yes, he should have received the brother unconditionally after he returned in a penitent attitude, but remember, he had to stay behind and repair the ruins the prodigal left. My kids have grown tired of the pain that’s been brought into their parent’s lives by those who choose to live a sinful life. It really gets old when it happens over and over and seems to never stop. I am glad that God renews our days. I could not have endured or survived these past 25 years without His sustaining hand and the love of those children who do follow our Lord. And let me not fail to mention that I DO have loving faithful children who honor me and are an encouragement. I am thankful to them for their testimony of God’s grace.

6. Not one time have I said anything that would bely an unloving attitude. I have counseled according to Biblical principles. Oh, I haven’t minced words, I called sin “sin.” I’ve told my kids that the day they leave our home in rebellion is the day they no longer receive any type of financial or housing help from us. I will not aid and abed children who do no honor their parents or appreciate with their actions the sacrifices we’ve made for them. God names us parents for some reason, so they are to recognize that when it comes time to plan their education, who they marry, etc.

7. Have you ever heard someone say that they didn’t feel that God loved them? Well, we know the problem isn’t with God, but the one who makes the accusation. They have lived in a way that has caused them guilt and separation from God. God never moved, He’s always been in the Heavens waiting for man to come to Him. He’s the perfect picture of a loving parent, yet people accuse Him wrongly. So, there is where I find my comfort. If God, the perfect parent can still love a rebellious child who raises his fist at Him, why can’t I with His help?

8. I could list the behavior and decisions of this child that questioned my love. But I won’t do that, for it would be “answering a fool according to his folly.” But I will say that this child cannot go on fooling herself indefinitely. I just hope I live to see her come to the truth and acknowledge it. True love constrains – keeps us in check and urges us to put others first. (2 Cor. 5:14 “For the love of Christ constraineth us; because we thus judge, that if one died for all, then were all dead.”) If we love God, we will love others and limit our actions to things that are only pleasing to Him, putting others ahead of ourselves. (1Cor. 10:24 “Let no man seek his own, but every man another’s wealth.”)

9. Even if I did lack love for my child, and showed that in my actions, it would not be prudent to advertise it. The very act itself proves a lack of spiritual and emotional maturity. It would not be honoring the parent who gave their life for that child. But at the same time it does shine a light on the maturity factor of the one who spoke it. (Prov. 10:12 “Hatred stirreth up strifes: but love covereth all sins. Prov. 17:9 “He that covereth a transgression seeketh love; but he that repeateth a matter separateth very friends.” …might I add, families? ) No, it was not the sin of this mother or any other mother that separated the child from the family. It was the willful, rebellious sin of the child who chose the world over God and His plan. The mother has already proven her love over the lifetime of the child. It’s a “dun deal.”

God is the only true judge and I am not afraid of His judgment. He’s been so good to me.

Just a Cup of Water

By Val Frania

In Adoption, Musings, My Kids

At my Thursday night Bible study one of the ladies asked prayer for her son-in-law that had some personal problems. She said she was tired of putting on the pretense of having a “perfect” family and was coming clean. She was tired of hiding for the past 25 years all the problems and difficulties just to put on a happy face so she wouldn’t be judged as a bad parent.

Ditto that.

We’ve had our problems. We have adopted some kids with emotional, physical and mental problems. I’m sorry if some people can’t handle that. I’m even sorry if they don’t like our family. But you know what? I do. I like my family. I like how diverse it is. I especially like having the different races. I actually feel sorry for the families that have all white kids in it. I think that’s boring. I feel sorry for families that have easy, compliant kids (I’m jealous at the same time!). They will never know the thrill of seeing their kids find God through the pain and heartache of reconciling their past.

We’ve had kids punish us for the pain that their birth parents inflicted on them. But I’ve also had the same kids call me up years later and tell me through tears that they are sorry, and thank me for adopting them because they were glad they didn’t have to grow up in their birth families’ homes. I’ve had kids complain to others about how mean we were as parents and swear they’ll never have anything to do with us when they move out. I’ve had the same kids come back and tell us we did the exact right thing in how we disciplined them and kept them safe during their growing up years. I’ve had kids tell me they hate me and then just a year later put their arm around me and tell me I’m the best. I’ve had children threaten me with knives and then just a couple of years later tell me they miss me and want nothing else but to come home. I’ve had children tell me I didn’t know what I was talking about only to call me up years later and tell me that they’ve been hearing my words come out of their mouths! I’ve had children go around telling my friends, coworkers and even my boss that we were abusive and then just a couple of years later turn around and confess they had lied out of bitterness that had welled up in their soul years before we adopted them. God is so good, and each time one of our kids makes a turn around and gets their life right, I thank Him for it.

Most families don’t experience these things – because they chose the safe route. We didn’t. We chose to care for other people’s children when they chose to not do it themselves. We took broken, damaged kids and tried to turn them into loving, responsible, Christian young people. OK, so shoot me for trying. Yes, those who have judged us as failures haven’t seen what we’ve seen. They haven’t experienced what we’ve experienced. They’ve not walked in our shoes. They’ve not seen the victories amidst the failures. They’ve determined in their mind that if our kids don’t learn to follow God perfectly before they are 18 then they must not have been taught properly or we had to have mistreated them in some way. Well, some day the truth will be revealed and all those who judged us so harshly will see their mistake. But then, you know what? It will be too late. Their chance to love and support our family will have passed and both of us unfortunately have missed a blessing. They have missed the blessing God would have given them for being kind to a struggling family. We missed the blessing of having someone love and care for us in the midst of a difficult journey. But God knows, and has fortunately made up for it by loving us through it all and shown us spiritual truths that not many have had the privilege to see.

We have a great family. We’ve had our ups and downs, but I am confident we’ll all be together some day and relish in God’s goodness.

April, you are one of my best friends and thank you for showing us how blessed a parent can be. I miss you more than I can put into words. Thank you for giving me two angels that make life worth living. Your solid faith has encouraged me.

Lauren, I miss you so and am very glad we have a good relationship. You have so much talent and strength – I know you are going to do great things for God. I just love talking with you. You are like a buried treasure.

Katie, when I think of someone loving God, I think of you. I am so very proud to tell others about you. You are like a gem of the highest price to me. Raising you was a true blessing. You’ve got it all and someday someone will wake up and realize it!

Jesse, we hope that your searching will one day bring you to your perfect place in life. You have grand ideas and goals that if realized will make a difference in the world. God and your family are waiting.

Devin, you are an example of true regeneration. You remind me of why we adopted. When I think of you, I think “success.” Thank you for discovering that you love your parents. You’ve made it all worth it. You are the “miracle of adoption” proven.

Nathaniel, you are destined for great things. We have enjoyed watching you pursue your position in the Marines and hope God can use you to reach others. Your family misses you.

Andrew, thank you for caring about your family. I have always known you loved us even when you were fighting for your independence. I have always adored you. You have a special gift of drawing others to yourself and making the most sober person laugh.

Marissa, you will always have a piece of my heart. You were the one we all thought would go on to do great things for God. You have given me a precious granddaughter that is like a piece of heaven to me.

Daniel, you have come so far. You had no language for years, but now you talk circles around everyone. Your potential is astounding and have proven that hard work can transform a person.

Mollie, you are beautiful and talented. We miss you and hope some day we will be close friends. Every day I hope you will call and tell me that you love and miss your family and want to come home.

Jillian, you are my body balm. God chose you to be my happiness. You are one of my favorite people in the whole world. I miss you more than I can say. I am proud of who you have become.

Jonathan, I love your love for children and find it a precious gift not everyone has. God gave you a special heart that He can use to do great things. You are going to make a difference in the world.

Jacob, your calm peaceful sense of living is an encouragement to me. When I saw you give your heart to God and live for him it renewed my faith in God’s success in changing hearts. Your spiritual growth has increased my faith.

Levi, your talent and enthusiasm for life has brought us such fun. Seeing you love your sisters has brought new life into our family and given me hope. I am so excited to share a love for art with you and can’t wait to see what you do with it.

Caleb, I am so looking forward to having you back home and part of our day-to-day family living. Remembering your sense of humor and laugh are enough to make me smile. We have such hopes for you.

To all my children who are living for and loving God, thank you – you make life worth living. To those of you who are seeking Him, I pray you find Him – He’s right beside you, just turn and look. To all my children who are running from God, slow down and let Him embrace you – there’s peace and joy in His presence.

I will never forget those of you who have truly loved us…you have made some very weary travellers in this life feel the love of God and have the strength to bear up under the trials of this life. God will bless you for your love and support.

To all of you who judge us as being unworthy to be in God’s ministry, it’s your loss. To all of you who do not love my children, I pity you, for children are considered the most important in Heaven. To those of you who think we should not have adopted “interesting children,” well, all I can say is, “For whosoever shall give you a cup of water to drink in my name, because ye belong to Christ, verily I say unto you, he shall not lose his reward.” Mark 9:41 The rewards are great – SO WHAT if I have to wait until I get to Heaven to enjoy them! Where are YOUR treasures laid up? John Greenleaf Whittier sums it up for me: “For all sad words of tongue and pen, The saddest are these, ‘It might have been’.”