November 23, 2009
Author: Val Frania Page 16 of 30
Sorrow looks back, worry looks around, but faith looks up.
OH MY, OH MY! I just ran across this today – very interesting reading for those of us who have experienced difficult children through adoption. Click here. Here and here are other sites that speak of these disorders.
This is an excerpt from an article on Answers.com:
- The key characteristics of a sociopath include: (1) having no conscience, (2) inability to treat others as human beings, with feelings and rights and (3) inability to learn from experience, from life. One result of this last is gross immaturity, though it may be hidden unless one knows the person well. A sociopath behaves as if he/she were the only person in the whole world and as if everyone else just existed for their benefit and had no existence in their own right. (4) Sociopaths treat other people as toys and hanker after the power to control and hurt their ‘nearest and dearest’. (5) Many are monumentally self-important: they may pretend to be millionaires when in reality they are sliding towards financial disaster. (6) Habitual dishonesty.
- He will charm his way into your life and heart, then take complete advantage of you – your emotions, your finances, your intellect. He will make you think you are the crazy one. Your friends will see right through him. He will isolate you from your friends and possibly your family. He cannot hold a job and will probably commit crimes – theft, fraud, forgery, and spend time in jail or prison. He will abuse drugs or alcohol. He may abuse you.
Click here for a Power Point that shows the story of one adoptive family’s struggle to get help for their emotionally disabled child.
Those of us with similar stories find that Michigan does not want to fund residential treatment centers though often they are the only solution for families with these types of kids. They cannot risk keeping them in the home due to safety issues.
It appears we will be losing our funding for our son’s residential treatment center at the end of November. The state would be willing to continue funding if we’d rescind our adoption and place him back in the custody of the state welfare system. Unfortunately, saving money (versus serving the best interests of a child) is their goal.
By Steven Elbow, The Capital Times, posted Nov. 1, 2009
Tyler Mills finally got what he wanted: a mental defect that carries some weight in court.
The 30-year-old state prison inmate last week was found not guilty of a crime because of defects caused by his exposure to alcohol when still in the womb. Experts who track court cases involving fetal alcohol spectrum disorder (FASD) say it’s the first time in Wisconsin a defendant has won a not-guilty verdict because of the array of physical and mental defects caused by alcohol use by pregnant women.
And some think it could open the door to a more enlightened approach to dealing with criminal defendants suffering the effects of the disorder. Todd Winstrom, formerly an attorney for Disability Rights Wisconsin, the state-appointed advocacy group for disabled individuals, says the case sets an important precedent.
“Fetal alcohol has actually finally achieved some legal recognition in Wisconsin as a condition that could lead someone to be found not guilty by reason of insanity,” says Winstrom, who for years tried to get jails to provide Mills with the psychological and medical treatment he needed. “The hope that this gives me is that the system now will respond to Tyler and hopefully to others like him with a n approach that’s grounded more in an understanding of the disorder and some attempt to provide treatment and intervention rather than corrections and punishment.”
For Mills, its a hard-won personal victory that comes after years of disappointment.
“I think it was my stubbornness that paid off,” he says.
In early 2008, Mills was being passed from jail to jail in counties where he had committed a string of petty financial crimes, mostly stealing credit cards. He says a man he met in a federal corrections halfway house led him on the crime spree. But the charge that landed him his current seven-and-a-half-year prison sentence was child enticement. The charge stemmed from Mills’ attempt to meet up with a 14-year-old girl he met on the Internet, whom he later discovered was a police officer conducting an Internet sting operation.
An Eau Claire County jury in that case found that while his fetal alcohol defects constituted a mental disease, they didn’t cause him to commit the crime. Last week Mills appeared in Pierce County court to answer to two charges of identity theft, both for stealing ID cards. In a deal struck between his attorney and prosecutors he agreed to plead guilty to both charges. But the district attorney agreed to stipulate that on one charge he was not guilty by reason of mental defect. The judge ordered three years of commitment by the state Department of Health Services to be carried out concurrently with his current sentence, which will likely mean he will go to a mental hospital.
He’s currently appealing his Eau Claire County conviction, but if he fails he will have to spend another two years in prison to finish off his sentence in that case in addition to his mental commitment. In itself, Tyler Mill’s plea hearing was an insignificant court event, one of thousands of plea deals reached every year in Wisconsin courts. But for defendants with fetal alcohol spectrum disorder, which some estimate make up thousands of Wisconsin prison inmates, and their advocates, it’s a ray of hope.
The resolution would have had more impact as a precedent if it had been decided by a judge or a jury, rather than being the result of an agreement between attorneys. “It would have been better had it been on record in terms of a ruling,” says Natalie Novick Brown, a clinical psychologist at the University of Washington’s Fetal Alcohol and Drug Unit. But she says that because a judge endorsed the defense argument that Mills was not guilty because of fetal alcohol spectrum disorder, “We still regard it as a foot in the door.”
Brown says recent years have seen an increased volume of case law dealing with fetal alcohol issues, mostly death row cases such as a recent Nevada case where the perpetrator was spared the death penalty. One case involving a Louisiana death row inmate was even considered by the U.S. Supreme Court, but the court eventually denied review.
“The fact that there is growing awareness in the legal system is positive,” says Novick Brown, who spends much of her time supporting the cases of criminal defendants with FASD and who has testified on behalf of Mills during his trial. The resolution of Mills’ case, she says, “is just another indication that people are paying attention to FASD as a legal argument.”
But the attorney who struck the deal on Mills’ behalf, Liesl Nelson of Hudson, questions the value of the case as a precedent. “I don’t know that it necessarily throws the door open for the next guy that comes along,” she says. But Nelson praised Pierce County District Attorney John O’Boyle, who didn’t return a phone call seeking comment, for going along with the agreement.
“I really respect a prosecutor who finally looks at this and goes, ‘Let’s do the smart thing here,'” she says. “I really give him a lot of points for that because nobody else has been able to do that yet, to say, ‘Let’s try smarter, not harder.'”
A Capital Times story in May 2008 chronicled Mills’ odyssey through the criminal justice system at a time when his appalling behavior in jails usually got him thrown into solitary confinement, which typically inspired even worse behavior. He infuriated prison officials by creating scenes, attempting suicide, spreading food and feces on the wall of his cell. He has a compulsion for eating objects like tooth brushes, razor blades and pencils, and on at least one occasion jail officials refused to provide medical treatment for complications from objects lodged in his stomach.
Mills had been facing more than 100 years in possible prison time mostly for petty financial crimes. Most of those cases have been resolved, many of them dismissed because of the time and expense it would have taken to prosecute them. Only the Pierce County case remained.
“It was the last chance he had to persuade someone that his fetal alcohol was an important factor,” says Nelson, his attorney. “That was a huge moment for him, to have somebody acknowledge that.”
It is still unclear when Mills’ mental commitment would start. He was taken from Pierce County to the Wisconsin Resource Center, the Department of Corrections program facility where he spent the last year. The center gave Mills a job, put him in classes and kept him busy every minute of the day, providing a rigid daily structure that is the only way many with fetal alcohol spectrum disorder can function. Most experts consider solitary confinement to be one of the worst possible punishments, but one Mills is all too familiar with.
As his Pierce County case wound down, the Department of Corrections was on the verge of sending Mills back to the general prison population, where if his past is any guide he would undoubtedly act out, and once again find himself alone, staring at the wall of a cell.
Nelson says after the Department of Corrections and th e Department of Health Services hashes out the details, they’ll likely send Mills to a mental treatment facility. The Corrections Department would be crazy to want him, she says. Placing him back in prison where there are no resources to deal with his behavior problems would be punishment not only to Mills, but to corrections personnel as well.
“They just don’t have the resources to deal with him.”
“Fools live to regret their words, wise men to regret their silence.” ~W. Henry
Here is a brief description of the son of one of my Yahoo friends. I put these stories on my blog to hopefully open the eyes of those around me to some of the issues surrounding special needs adoption. Realize that just because you don’t see some of these behaviors doesn’t mean they don’t exist. Parents don’t usually share such things with family or friends because they feel a need to protect their children from the hurt of rejection. As well, we as the parents of these kids wish to be accepted and supported, but fear that if we share too much, our children and even our entire family, will be avoided and judged. So we choose to isolate ourselves rather than risk it. It’s kind of like a self-fulfilled prophecy.
Read about Mrs. Brown’s son:
RAD [attachment issues] is certainly possible in toddler age children, as is early onset bipolar. Doctors don’t like to medicate that early, as they like more time to see what is going on. My son who was adopted at age 2 1/2 was diagnosed at age 4 with severe ADHD [attention deficit hyperactive disorder] and ODD [oppositional defiant disorder], to the point of mania.
It was SO hard to get through those first months before they would medicate him at age 4. But he was a danger to himself – he was so bad off. He would run around the yard to fast he would smack right into a tree. He started out on Cylert and Clonidine to help him calm down and help him sleep (which he didn’t do much of). As he grew so did his Dx’s, to Bipolar, attachment disorders, Conduct Disorder, and something about rages; I can’t remember what they called it. To put it mildly, he was violent.
He was born alcohol and drug exposed and was premature. He had frontal lobe damage, which is the part of the brain that controls emotions. His emotions were out of control. He had to leave our home when he was 9 due to his violence, attacking my (older) daughters. He would spend his nights chewing thru his (metal) screens, ripping up floor boards, and destroying furniture.
People around here didn’t know how bad it was at home; he tried to hold it together out in public and at school for whatever reason. Then he came home and blew apart. So of course the lovely folks in this town assumed it was my fault. Even when he couldn’t hold it together at school any more and started doing more and more outrageous stuff there, they still blamed me. [They thought] I must be abusive to have a child like this. They knew his birth history, but still blamed it on me. Says alot for their intelligence, huh ?
During one of his rages, I managed to get him to the ER, where they recommended a stay in a pediatric psych unit. He never came home again. From there he went to more permanent psych hospital stays and RTCs [residential treatment centers]. Things never got any better for him. He is 19 now.
This is a typical story of an adoptive child who was adopted with serious issues. When an adoptive parent puts themself out there to bring these kids into their family and try to provide a normal, caring home, please do not blame them for the children’s behaviors or judge their parenting techniques. You have no idea what it is like to live with these kids until you have done it yourself. If you ever dared to step out and do as they have, you will undoubetedly become very sympathetic to their family. Support them, love them, and do what you can to help them. They ought to be admired, not judged. And, when they say, “My child came to us with issues that are very hard to deal with,” – believe them!
Watching the Waters blog has a post about adoption and disruption (Disruption is when a family decides they can’t properly parent a difficult child, so they find another adoptive family for their child). Here is part of the article:
“This is a hard post to write, because I don’t want to talk about it, because I don’t want to open us up to attack, and partly because I just don’t want this to be my life.
We need to find a new home for our son, AngryBoy.
I know there are many people out there who do not understand disruption, and to them I say, I am so happy for you. I am relieved that you have never known the agony that the last two years has been for our family, and I pray that you never will. There was a time when I, too, may have been judgmental of disruption. Now I know that it is possible to go to that decision kicking and screaming, but with no other options.
Five years ago, I saw a picture of this little boy…”
To read more, click here here.
A friend of mine did a spoof on Pastor Appreciation Day, renaming it, “Pastor Depreciation Day.” She is a pastor’s wife of a small congregation. Apparently she’s having some difficulties in her church. I’m taking it and changing it to “Parent Depreciation Day.” Enjoy.
Here’s how to show your parents you really care and want to uphold the “Honor your Parents” command in Ephesians 6:1.
1) Make sure you let them know how disappointed you are in them. What do they think they are anyway, human beings?? You don’t even have to use your words, just be disloyal.
2) Tell everyone what a rotten job they did as parents – spread the depreciation around! Oh, and be sure to believe everything you’re told by disgruntled siblings. They could never be wrong!
3) Tell them they are doing a good job to their face and on the phone, act like you love them and tell them a lot that you know God put you in their family for a reason – and then call other siblings and complain about them – we wouldn’t want them to get too confident!
4) Don’t follow their advice. Who do they think they are anyway?
5) Find fault with everything they do and have done- from how they made decisions to how they raised you. Oh, and don’t forget to complain to anyone who will listen!
6) Call your other siblings and spread around the disrespect. You certainly wouldn’t want to be bitter alone! Make sure you only call the ones you can count on to agree with you.
7) Don’t ever support them in difficult situations. After all, they’re supposed to know everything, do everything right all the time and favor you above all the other kids. So if they do something you disagree with, make sure everyone knows.
8) Don’t ever let them know if you’ve lied, stirred up trouble, or said things you shouldn’t have. That’s between you and God.
9) Complain about how hard they were to live with, that they have stupid rules and demanded too much. Talk to your neighbor, church friends, siblings, etc. Make sure everyone knows how you feel.
10) Don’t ever give them the benefit of the doubt. After all, they are suppose to be perfect and you should never accept anything less than perfection. After all, you’re perfect and they should be too!
11) And last, but not least, to “really” depreciate your parents, don’t ever pray for them. How could God use them anyway?
Of course, this is a spoof. If you want to APPRECIATE your parents… just do the opposites of these items and you will have a happy family connection – and you will probably feel a lot better too!
When the prodigal son (mentioned in Luke 15:11-32) went off to the far country, he did not come to his senses when there was plenty of money around and partying going on. He woke up to reality when he was feeding hogs, and getting really hungry. The only way you can help your loved-one that refuses to get help is by allowing them to hit rock-bottom sooner rather than later. Let them hit bottom before they have sustained so much physical and mental damage that their life, in all essence, is destroyed.
Your addicted loved-one might have to live there for a while, but they will eventually get tired of living at rock-bottom. They will beg and plead, and deny they are using. They will ask for money. They will want to use your car. They will beg you to give them a little more time to get back on their feet. You have to cut them off completely! Don’t lie for your loved-one to their boss. Don’t give them the one hundred dollars they want, and don’t make their car payment for them…THE ONLY WAY TO HELP IS TO LET THEM FAIL! Let them get fired, let them be hungry, force them to walk and not drive!
They might end up homeless–living in a dumpster, hungry, jobless, and alone– but they must face the hard, cold reality of their destructive lifestyle that they have chosen. An addict is not going to quit using until they hit rock-bottom. Rock-bottom, simply put, is the place where the painful consequences of addiction exceed the pleasure of that addiction. The addict may hit rock-bottom in the county jail, when the car is repossessed, when the husband or wife leaves, or when the children are taken away from him or her. They might hit rock-bottom when they are hungry and the family abandons them. They might hit rock-bottom when there is no place to crash anymore. Don’t let them continue to play games with you; do not take action to help your loved-one avoid hitting rock-bottom.
To read this article by Dr. George Crabb, D.O. in its entirety, click here. This article was on the Reformers Unanimous Schools of Discipleship webpage.