Category: Family Page 9 of 13

Raising a family isn’t always easy, but with a little work can be very rewarding.

A Three Day Snapshot – Day 3

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Today he pulled the same thing at the CMH appointment. I knew there would be toys to play with and told him ahead of time that if there were little cars or legos he’d have to play with something else, as he’d been grounded from those for behavior, and that if you are grounded from something at home, you are grounded from it everywhere you go. They had both, but there was a whole cabinet full of other things to play with. He zero’d right in on the little cars, grabbed the bag they were in and when I said, “No,” and took them, he got ahold of one. I had to forcibly take it. I told him if he didn’t stop arguing and fighting he had to just sit on the couch in time out, and he began punching and kicking me. In some ways, as bad as it sounds, I’m kind of glad it happened right in front of the clinician doing the intake.

At dinner time, he was NOT going to eat his dinner (chicken breast stuffed with broccoli and cheese) because he thinks broccoli with cheese is “nasty”. He loves broccoli. We finally said if he didn’t eat it, it would be wrapped and reheated for every snack and meal until it was gone, and that he’d not be allowed to play outside before and after service tonight at church with the other kids. He must have been using his selective hearing for that part, right along with Manny, who had decided since Matt didn’t like dinner, neither did he, so his got wrapped up too. After dinner, I was headed upstairs to change for church and saw Matt putting his play shirt on under his church shirt and asked what he was doing. He told me it was so he could play after church, and I reminded him he was not going out after, only Allen and Ike would, as they had eaten their dinner. When I came back downstairs, both boys were in the kitchen with their dad finishing their dinner. So at least that worked out. They were fairly good the rest of the night.

Tonight during prayer time, my husband thanked the church for the men who have been helping me with Matt on Sundays when he can’t be there, and asked for prayer for Matt and for our family. Our pastor added that he would like whatever men are sitting anywhere near us on Sunday to do the same, just get up and take him out when he becomes so difficult and reminded everyone that Matt needs a lot of prayer, and a lot of love, not judgment, that he’d been badly abused and it would take time. He also said he’s already seeing some progress with him. I so appreciate this church, it’s the first church we’ve belonged to since moving here that I feel my kids are safe from criticism and where I had no one minute of hesitation about calling the pastor and his wife after the Sam’s incident to ask for prayer, knowing I wasn’t going to be judged as a bad parent. Unfortunately, we have had that happen in other churches, when Allen was younger.

Linda

A Three Day Snapshot – Day 2

By Val Frania

In Adoption, FAS

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Unfortunately, that repentant subdued attitude did not last into Tuesday. Matt was angry that he was still grounded from his legos, sports cards, and little cars. By the time Marc left for work at around noon, he was ready to gear up into a rage, which he’d held off until then. I ended up putting him into time out on the couch and sending all the other boys out to play, which made him madder, but I’m tired of them hearing all of this and mimicking the attitudes and sometimes the language. He escalated to the point that he was attempting to bruise himself so he could say I did it, at which time I ended up holding him restrained. I’m not strong enough to just get him in my lap and restrain him that way like my husband can. The only way I can keep him from hurting himself or me is to get him on the floor in front of me, facing away from me, my feet holding his legs apart so he can’t kick me, with my hands holding his arms up so he can’t hit me or pinch me. Unfortunately, he got hold of my hand with his teeth, and held on until he drew blood. I told him he’d not be outside at all that day, which as you can imagine went over just great.

Finally, I had to get dinner, so I just did quick and easy spaghetti, after warning him he better not leave the couch. He insisted he would not eat supper, because I said he had to sit in his dad’s place at the table by me, not next to any of his brothers, because he’d also both threatened them and tried to hurt them earlier in the day. He also informed me that he would not take his bath, because he knew he had an appointment in the morning and also church the same evening. Matt wanted people to think he didn’t get bathed. By then my husband had called on his lunch break, and said he’d watch for an offer of signing out early, they didn’t end up offering it early enough to help me that night. He said to tell Matt if he refused to get his bath, that his dad would wake him when he got home from work and give it to him and that he (Matt) would NOT like it a bit. He finally agreed he might eat a LITTLE (he ate 2 helpings), and he’d have his bath if he could play after. I told him if his bath was quick he might have 15 minutes before it was time for all toys to be put away for the night (8:30 in our house). He wasn’t happy, but I did point out that he COULD have been playing all day, including outside.

He did get his bath, and sat quietly on his bed while Manny got his, because I wouldn’t let him downstairs with just Allen & Ike; I didn’t trust him not to go off on them again. He got his 15 minutes to play, got his night time medications, then the nightly routine of TV time to relax enough for the meds to work, and in bed by 10:00. They are up that late because their dad works late, an hour away, so he and I rarely get to bed before 2:00 a.m., and we really don’t want them up at 5 a.m.

A Three Day Snapshot – Day 1

By Val Frania

In Adoption, FAS

I have a long time friend who recently found me on Facebook. We reconnected after about ten or so years. We originally met during our old adoption advocacy days when we lived in Flushing. Our adoption support group was instrumental in bringing her and her first son together by adoption. I will call her Linda. This is day one of three days in the life of her newly adopted son, Matt. She currently has four sons.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Today I had no choice but to take all the kids to Sam’s. I had to pick up a prescription that could not wait. Matt wanted me to let them wait in the car, which I have allowed if I am just running in somewhere for a minute or two. But today I knew it would be longer, so I said “No,” and that they would have to come in with me. First, Matt ran away in the parking lot and Allen ran and got him for me, which set him off against Allen now, too. We went in, and by the time we got back to the meat coolers he was working himself up deliberately. You can actually see him doing it; he clenches his fists and starts breathing harder and faster to work up a good rage. I ended up having to hold him against the cart with one arm while pushing/steering the cart with the other, because he’d started running up and kicking Allen as hard as he could. So he started kicking me, in between pressing his foot on the wheel so I couldn’t move the cart. I ended up having to hold him against the cooler to stop him trying to hurt me, Allen, or himself.

We made it to the pharmacy counter and had to wait a few minutes for it to open back up from lunch break. A lady, who’d been shopping back by the meat dept. and tried to speak with him when he was doing all this, followed us. I saw her come around the corner and duck back when I saw her but didn’t think anything of it at the time. She apparently followed us out and took down my plate number and called 911. Not 10 minutes after we got home a county sheriff’s deputy was at the door with a worker from FOC. To avoid speaking with them, Matt ran to the back of the house and out the back door, but they got him to stop. I told her what happened, and Matt admitted all. She came down squarely on my side, and told him he has to obey me, that I have the right to discipline him, and that she thought he was very lucky to be where he is (she had already asked about his background).

He told her he knew he was lucky, but that being told, “No,” makes him “want to get mad and hit people.” So, I’ve joined the ranks of parents who will need to document, document, document, I guess. She said this was NOT going to CPS; she saw no reason for it. It looked to her like that lady who called 911 was a nosy woman who had no idea of the actual situation or circumstances, and apologized for having to come here especially when it was very clear I’d done nothing wrong. The whole cops at the door for what he had done scared him though, I think. After that, he apologized to me and then to Allen and couldn’t do enough for either of us for several hours. He and Manny have an appointment tomorrow at CMH to get them services. Here’s hoping for at least respite time, huh?

Linda

Do you know a FASD/RAD child?

By Val Frania

In Adoption, FAS

Click here for a pdf that explains RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder) and suggests how to deal with a child that may have attachment issues.

Click here for a pdf with some suggestions on how to handle a teen with FASD (Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder).

Note to family & friends: Read these to better understand some aspects of our family!

Gertz’s Pile of Ideas

By Val Frania

In Adoption, FAS

On another adoptive mom blog, I found an article about a magnetic sleep technology that got a special needs little girl off sleeping pills. Some FAS kids have difficulties with sleep and need medication in order to fall asleep and achieve and sustain REM sleep. This is interesting and worth looking into if your child has this difficulty.

“On January 1, 2009 I made a commitment to find an alternative to sleeping pills for Ellie. She has needed to take a sleeping pill every night for 3 years to get her to sleep. The guilt I felt about this ritual was inconceivable. Ellie is 6, so for half of her life, I have watched her struggle in a drugged haze to get her teeth brushed before she conked out in a drug induced state. That little body would shudder as it passed into a chemically induced state of fake REM and every ounce of natural therapy I would incorporate into our daily routine was lost … to read more click here.

Adoption Disruption Article

By Val Frania

In Adoption, FAS

Click here to read an article from the blog called “Welcome to My Brain.” The article is about adoption disruption. It will give you a small idea of what some adoptive parents go through with difficult children – things most parents won’t share with you.

Is it Wrong to be Proud?

By Val Frania

In Musings, My Kids

Years ago a friend approached me and told me I was wrong to use the word “proud” when I wrote articles because it is not a godly attitude. I didn’t immediately disagree with her because I wanted to think it over. Many times over the years I’ve reflected back and each time I have decided to stick with my word – a word that perfectly expresses how I feel at times toward another person, especially my children or grandchildren.

I don’t use the word “proud” in a way that causes the reader to think that I am exalting myself or putting myself above others. I merely use it to express how I am grateful for some progress or behavior in someone I care about. Someone once said that to be proud of your son or daughter meant that you were glad that child was yours and no one elses. I think that’s a fair description of the pride I’m talking about. I’ve spent many years very proud of my children and many years hanging my head in sadness over them. Since we have 15 children, many of whom are special needs, you can imagine the things we’ve experienced as their parents. But today I am focusing on the good things – just because I can.

Let me tell you some things I’m proud of – some things my kids have done to generate that peaceful goodwill feeling of pride – a happiness that God made me their Mom. A happiness that I’ve seen fruit of my efforts to raise them for God’s glory. Many of my kids have made their share of mistakes and caused all sorts of consequences to fall on themselves and their family. But today, I’m reflecting on the recent events that for this moment in time, I am swelled with pride. If that is a sinful attitude in the eyes of my reader, then I guess I’m guilty without excuse. I think it is a good thing to be proud of your children. Here are a few blessings I’m counting today – my 5 oldest daughters.

April is such a good mom. I choke up every time I think about her with my grandsons Isaac and Hudson. To watch her parent is something that makes the world OK. What a blessing to see the love she has for those two little boys that I so adore. She’s the one who was always there, like my shadow that is there every time I turned around…even on the dark days.

Lauren has turned her heart toward her God. He showed Himself to her recently and she saw Him for the first time in all His glory. What an event! We talk by phone often and most of the time we share about how good God is and how He’s working in her life. God was kind to both her and me when He took her out of the world and planted her in my lap.

Katie is like a porcelain vase that sits on the shelf reminding me of all the beautiful things God has created for my enjoyment. She’s the one who reminds me that there is a quiet consistency in God’s love. I smile in my heart every time I think of her because she is a tried and true child of God who is a perfect example of God’s loving heart. To this day, I can say she has never grieved my heart.

Devin is a good example of God’s grace because of what she’s overcome. Her beginnings could have caused the strongest man to fold, but not her. She found herself a kind hearted husband and has built herself a life out of the ashes. Her desire to have and be close to family is very encouraging to me. When I wonder if we’ll ever be one tight/solid family, I think of Devin and what she’s accomplished.

Marissa has found her sweetness. When she was younger I saw a sweetness in her that I knew some day would mark her as special. As a teen she was never content to just be near, often times she would find the little corner left on my chair and park herself right there. Today I found that sweet girl again when she called me to let me know that she was reaching out to encourage her brother. Wow. She’s really grown.

I could go on and tell you about how Levi has helped me with the house today or how hard Jacob has worked these past few weeks for college money. Or I could write of how Jesse respectfully listened to my counsel on the phone earlier, or even about the three “out of the blue” presents Jillian gave me yesterday, but I won’t. I’ll save that for another day. For now, this moment in time, I sit here with my white chocolate flavored coffee and chocolate chip Chewy Dipps granola bar, blogging and basking in God’s goodness.

Tomorrow is another day. Tomorrow I have to endure a bitter sweet moment when I take Jillian to the airport and have to return home without her. But that’s tomorrow. I’ll wait and deal with that tomorrow – there’s too much good stuff to dwell on today.

Yo’ Mama Wears Army Boots

By Val Frania

In Family Events, Humor

With the help of my son, Andrew, this slam has become a reality in our family. April, Lauren, Katie, Jesse, Devin, Marissa, Andrew, Nathaniel, Daniel, Mollie, Jillian, Jonathan, Jacob, Levi & Caleb…your Mama DOES wear Army boots – well, Marine boots, that is. Thanks, Andrew, for the boots. They really came in handy!

Our family has rogued the corn fields for the last several summers for college money and since our boys went to Camp CoBeAc this week, the last field was left for Mark to do on his own. I saw this as an opportunity. You know that expression, “Problems are just opportunities turned inside out”? Well, I decided that since the boys were gone, it would be a good opportunity for Jillian to make some money for college. She had elected to work at Meijer for the summer rather than do fields – since rogueing is quite the distasteful chore. I had tried to talk her into it only to be given the brush off. Well, I decided to make her an offer she couldn’t refuse! I told her that if she’d work the 263 acre field, I’d work alongside her and donate all of my earnings to her college account. Ha ha! She couldn’t turn that one down since working at Meijer hasn’t gotten her the $$ she’s needed to go back to college in the fall.

Of course I had to have Mark take a picture of me in the field to prove to all my kids that I really did get out and rogue the field! This was supposed to be a vacation for me, since the boys are out of town for the week, but I decided that you can’t pray and ask God for $$ and then turn down an opportunity to make a lot of it in a short amount of time. I had to talk Mark into letting me do it, but he eventually relented and I think I surprised everyone! I got tons of comments from my kids, saying they “won’t believe it ’till they see it” on facebook. So here’s the picture to prove it – I worked 15 hours trompin’ through the field with a bean hook, cutting down rogues. Since I went into it with the thought it was going to be horrible, based on all the whining and complaining of past years by my kids about how awful a job it was, I was pleasently surprised that it wasn’t as awful as I thought it would be. Of course God was gracious enough to me to answer my pleadings that it not be too tall, or too hot, or too full of bees and other bugs. I had pleasant company, and a nice breeze both days. The second day we hired AJ and Ross to help and they were great workers. It was the biggest field we’ve ever been assigned.

Just call me Ma Podunk!

corn crew

Ambiguous Loss

By Val Frania

In Adoption, FAS

I ran across this note on a FASD e-newsletter. I thought it did a good job of explaining something I’ve never been able to put into words.

I have come to believe that the real difficulty for me as a parent of children with FASD is found in exactly that, the ambiguity.

Pauline Boss, PhD is a therapist who is known for her work in the area of “ambiguous loss”. When loss comes in the form of death the loss is definite and clear and there are rituals and compassion for the grieving. Ambiguous loss is less clear and may be more difficult on some levels to live with. Boss explains, “With ambiguous loss, there is no closure; the challenge is to learn to live with the ambiguity.”

When I was a little girl playing with dolls I imagined that I would be a loving and competent mother someday to my children. I never imagined that I would question my decisions or my ability to care for them or keep them safe from harm. I never imagined that other people might question my abilities or blame me for the way my children behaved. I never imagined that there would be days when I would feel helpless and overwhelmed and afraid. And I never thought I’d mourn a little on each birthday as I watched them blow out their candles, knowing that the magic age of adulthood would come much too quickly for my children.

But I’m learning to live with the ambiguity. Connecting with other parents of children with FASD helped tremendously as it was through those connections that I learned that the feelings I had on those difficult days were normal and those concerns I had about my ability to care for my children or keep them safe did not make me a bad mom, they caused me to develop the skills to be the kind of advocate my kids need. I replied to the mom who had emailed me intending to tell her exactly that, but I wrote only two words. I understand.

~Kari Fletcher, MOFAS 2009

The Gospel Commandments of Leadership

By Val Frania

In Adoption, quotes

This was written (by Paul Chappell) to those who serve others in the ministry, but the list can be applied to any form of leadership. This list outlines the plight of moms, especially those who have adopted special needs kids. There isn’t a lot of payback in the first few years, but we all hold out hope that one day we will be loved, and if not loved, at least respected for all the years of sacrifice and service we gave our children. And, if we never get that either, at least we know we did what God asked us to do. We know He loves us – sometimes that just has to be enough.

1. People are illogical, unreasonable and self centered. Love and trust them anyway.

2. If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Do good anyway.

3. If you are successful, you will win false friends and true enemies. Succeed anyway.

4. The service you render today will be forgotten tomorrow. Serve people anyway.

5. Honesty and frankness will make you vulnerable. Be honest and frank anyway.

6. The biggest men with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest men with the smallest ideas. Think big anyway.

7. People pretend to love the “little” people but sell their souls to the “big” people. Fight for the “little” people anyway.

8. What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight. Build anyway.

9. People really need help but may attack you if you do help. Help people anyway.

10. Give the world the best you have, and you’ll get kicked in the teeth. Give the world the best you have anyway.