Click here to read an article from the blog called “Welcome to My Brain.” The article is about adoption disruption. It will give you a small idea of what some adoptive parents go through with difficult children – things most parents won’t share with you.
Category: FAS Page 3 of 4
I ran across this note on a FASD e-newsletter. I thought it did a good job of explaining something I’ve never been able to put into words.
I have come to believe that the real difficulty for me as a parent of children with FASD is found in exactly that, the ambiguity.
Pauline Boss, PhD is a therapist who is known for her work in the area of “ambiguous loss”. When loss comes in the form of death the loss is definite and clear and there are rituals and compassion for the grieving. Ambiguous loss is less clear and may be more difficult on some levels to live with. Boss explains, “With ambiguous loss, there is no closure; the challenge is to learn to live with the ambiguity.”
When I was a little girl playing with dolls I imagined that I would be a loving and competent mother someday to my children. I never imagined that I would question my decisions or my ability to care for them or keep them safe from harm. I never imagined that other people might question my abilities or blame me for the way my children behaved. I never imagined that there would be days when I would feel helpless and overwhelmed and afraid. And I never thought I’d mourn a little on each birthday as I watched them blow out their candles, knowing that the magic age of adulthood would come much too quickly for my children.
But I’m learning to live with the ambiguity. Connecting with other parents of children with FASD helped tremendously as it was through those connections that I learned that the feelings I had on those difficult days were normal and those concerns I had about my ability to care for my children or keep them safe did not make me a bad mom, they caused me to develop the skills to be the kind of advocate my kids need. I replied to the mom who had emailed me intending to tell her exactly that, but I wrote only two words. I understand.
~Kari Fletcher, MOFAS 2009
I have joined three Yahoo Groups – One for families of FASD children, one for those trying access post-adopt services, and one for those who have disrupted or dissolved their adoptions. The last one I joined to get a proper perspective of those who have willingly or by force been affected by adoption disruption/dissolution. With permission of the writers, I will be featuring some of these stories in days to come. One adoptive mom in particular tugged at my heart strings when she questioned whether she’d made the right decision by not fighting those who were demanding her parental rights be terminated. She would not allow her son to come back home after months in residential – she knew his repeated threats to kill the family would be carried out if allowed back home. So rather than working with the family within reasonable parameters, the powers that be dissolved this family against the wishes of each individual person in that family. Those powers were responsible for bringing to fruition that which they fought against.
Here is my response to her:
“I am very interested in your story and feel it needs to be told as much as a so called ‘successful one’ must be told – maybe more so. We cannot enjoy the blessings of this world if we do not have anything to compare them to. It would also be of benefit for others to see the emotional and physical expenditures of those who hope to save a life through adoption. It should not be seen as serving ourselves, rather it must be seen as a service to our world, whether in service to mankind locally or over seas. I forever regret the pain we have endured at the hands of those who have no understanding of what we do as adoptive parents – yet I do not count it worthy to dwell on it either, simply because I did not do this for praise of man. The approval of my God is all I ought to consider – for it is everything. Though I doubt and wince, I do not fall at the feet of my critics. They will some day answer to my God – the One who called me to serve Him by loving children that were not considered worthy of my attention. Whether you cherished a child for a day or for their life time, you are counted more worthy than those who did neither.”
A couple of weeks ago we attended a meeting in Lansing with some key people regarding the issue of adoptive families trying to access residential placements or theraputic foster care using their medical subsidy for funding through DHS (Department of Human Services). This was the second in a series of meetings that addressed the problem of families in crisis being charged with neglect. MI Representative Alma Wheeler Smith attended the meeting along with her assistant, 4 adoptive families in crisis, Atty. John Lewis, 2 DHS personnel, and a representative from the legislature. At that meeting Atty. Lewis requested a moratorium for the families present, including ours. We were hopeful that our need to immediate help would be met. We again found ourselves needing in crisis shortly thereafter, but had heard no promise of relief other than through the grapevine. We thought we’d be stuck in the neglect charges arena again, but due to a quick phone call to the Dpty. Director of DHS from an adoption compatriot, our needs were temporarily met for our son with only an hour to spare.
The problem we are encountering now is the uncertainty of the system. Once you receive approval for residential, you must agree to allow the child to return home whenever DHS decides – whether or not the child is ready. Oftentimes it is just down to a question of funding. To keep costs down, funding may be withdrawn without considering the needs of the child. This is how many families come to be charged with neglect. They refuse to let their child back into the home because they fear for their family members. All they are doing is requesting DHS to either extend the residential placement or find a therapeutic foster care placement (trained foster parents with no children in their home) for the child. In my book, any parent who spends hours pleading for help for their child has already proven they are a parent who seeks to provide for the needs of their child. Yet, in Michigan, parents who ask for help from DHS in the form of alternate placement often must be charged with neglect in order to get the needs of their child met. It’s one of those ridiculous glitches in the system that ends up destroying families.
I know of a couple who considered divorcing, not because they wanted to, but because they needed to provide a safe home for their children with one of the parents, while the other suffered charges of neglect – for refusing to take a dangerous child back into their home. Protective services had threatened to take all of their children during their standoff. It’s a pretty common occurance, to use such a power play to keep adoptive parents in their place. In the end, the parents signed off their rights in order to save their family from being destroyed. How’s that for DHS’s primary goal of family preservation?
On our medical subsidy contract, it clearly states that medical subsidy payments are made in order to provide and obtain services necessary to achieve or protect the child’s adoption – based on the needs of the child. How on earth does that translate into neglect? Like MI Rep. Alma Wheeler Smith said, we need to redefine the word “neglect” [for DHS and the Legislation]. I have great respect for Rep. Smith, for she has taken time out of her busy schedule to help adoptive families. Her advocacy work, along with Atty. John Lewis has made a difference in several adoptive families lives and probably will pave the road for system change. Too many adoptive families are not finding the help they need when they run into trouble with their difficult children. They are being charged for neglect when all they want is a safe, appropriate solution for their kids. Until it happened to me, I had no idea what was going on. Please remember to pray for them and the changes that need to be made in the system and legislature.
As I said in part one, we’d tried to access post-adopt services but ran into a road block that seemed too large to overcome. We had used Christian residential, boy’s homes, for two years but were not able to use them anymore, so we turned to the state for help. We were told they would fund a state approved residential for only 30 – 90 days and that it could take weeks to do the paperwork and make arrangements. This seemed completely ludicrous to us, since we’d used two private ones for over two years and seen no improvement in behavior, how could the state do any better in 30 – 90 days?
At that point we were told that if we didn’t accept the state’s decision to limit residential due to funding issues, we’d be brought up on charges – charges of neglect! We were completely appalled that this was what we were offered when we asked for help. When we told him this plan was totally unacceptable and we would not agree to it, he suggested we cut to the chase and just start the paperwork to call Protective Services in and charge us with neglect! We told him we’d get back to him and hung up. There was no discussion, suggestions, or an effort to find a way to work something out that would benefit the whole family. Our eyes were opened to a system that was more interested in saving money than the lives of the children or their families that try so hard to meet the needs of their adopted children. After talking with other adoptive families and a lawyer that had been working with families who were similarly charged, we decided we were going to ask God would to preserve us as we continued on our quest for state help – even if it meant we were charged. Since the law requires that adoptive parents be charged with neglect in order to get services for their child, we knew the ax might fall on us next.
One parent who adopted the first FASD child back in 1973, advised us to go forward with asking for residential and see what happened when the funding was withdrawn. We didn’t even have to wait that long. Because of circumstances beyond our control, our number came up sooner than the original 30-90 days we were expecting. We found ourselves in the middle of charges with lawyers, protective services and a judge. Through the years we’d experienced many things, but this was a new one even for us. We were very fortunate to have the ear of several people who were experienced in this area and had connections to those in charge at the top of the DHS ladder. We also were able to seek the help of a lawyer who was well versed in this type of situation and already had been working on a similar case. Fortunately he didn’t require a retainer for his help – we’d really been in trouble! As a rule. adoptive parents of tough kids tend to have empty pockets and we’re not the exception that that rule!
Long story short, we pressed DHS to give us immediate help when we were in serious crisis and found ourselves charged with neglect the next day complete with a court hearing that we missed because we weren’t informed. Fortunately it was postponed, which gave us a few hours to seek help from our experienced allies. In just one day, we met with DHS, started the paperwork necessary for residential placement for our son, met with the court appointed lawyer, talked with half a dozen workers, had our sons interviewed by the local PS worker, and got the charges dropped. We don’t know who exactly was responsible for getting the hearing dismissed and the charges dropped, and we may never know. But we do serve a sovereign God who can do anything and between Him and whoever He chose to do His work we were rescued! DHS had even gone so far as to lump all our boys into the petition of neglect, using the typical scare tactic, “If you neglect one, you must be neglecting them all, so we’re going to take all four.”
I met an adoptive mom a couple of weeks ago who told me that she went through the same thing, only worse. She was told that it would be easier for her to move out her “good” children and take back the difficult one and that her adoptive child wasn’t like a puppy that you can just dump off anywhere when you want to get tired of them! This mom has demanded residential for her son because he physically attacks and tries to kill his brothers whenever they are in the same room together. When she was told he had to come back home due to his funding being pulled, she was also told that if any of her other children were hurt by this boy, she’d be charged with neglect. She is in a lose/lose situation. I think it’s pretty obvious to anyone who hears her story that she has good reasons for not wanting that child to live in her home any more, don’t you? This poor lady has mountainous lawyer fees, multiple charges of neglect, and has been reduced to a frazzled, worn out mom. I don’t know about you, but it is pretty clear to me, especially since I’ve been living it, that this ought not to be going on. These are families who opened up their home to adopt kids who had no mom and dad. It isn’t right that they should have to fall on the sword to get help when a child is too hard to handle in a normal family setting.
To be continued…
Speaking specifically to the FASD label (Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder), I have parented three types of FASD kids, two of which are managable, one that is not. My categories certainly are not scientific – they are only based on personal experience.
One is the confused, struggling child who has trouble in relationships, school, and every day living skills – they have trouble understanding “cause and effect.” They are very frustrating to live with but are managable for the most part. These are the ones who make the same mistakes over and over and don’t think before they speak or act. “I don’t know,” comes out of their mouth more than anything else. Though you have trouble reasoning with them, they pretty much only hurt themselves in their habit of going from one negative experience to another, never really connecting the dots. When this child meets the Savior, they immediately see their sinfulness because they’ve known all along they are empty and sinful. They will always struggle with spiritual growth because they lack the ability to sustain a thought for any length of time. These are the kids that are often seen by others as having a “big heart.” They are very good at putting on a “show” for others. According to the Bible, they could be categorized as “simple.” These kids are not normally dangerous to the parent, though they would be the ones to complain about how mean the parent is and during times of anger expressing how much they hate the parent. As long as things are going well for this child, they can be very amiable and easy to live with.
The second is the one who live their life with a careless abandon that often results in running over everyone in their way. They’re not purposely attacking anyone, they just are running at high speed considering only their needs and opinions. They are either highly excitable or tend to be passive agressive. These are the type that say, “I forgot,” translated, “I just didn’t care.” It’s hard to reason with them because they “just don’t get it.” These kids can be very shallow and cause others to shake their head in disbelief. The school of hard knocks is usually the only way they learn to live by a set of standards and it’s only out of self preservation. It can take them years to manage their life in a way that they can live peacefully and stay out of trouble. They tend to be very self absorbed and hurt others by their lack of consideration. In their world there are only two people – themselves and the person they want something from or they consider is in their way.
When these children experience spiritual regeneration, you see a marked difference in their understanding of God’s expectations and standards of right and wrong. All of a sudden they understand their focus has been wrong but feel powerless to change. These are the children that are often seen by others as being “live wires,” “drama queens,” or “pouters.” Most people can pick them out of a crowd as being a trouble maker. The Bible term for this child when they are out of control is “rebellious.” These children can be dangerous to the parent simply because they tend to blame others for their mistakes. To cover up or explain their poor decisions, this child may tell others around them that the parent was abusive and will go so far as to call up the authorities to make such claims in order to soothe their conscience. They have an overwhelming need to have others’ approval. Later when confronted over this disloyal or dishonest behavior, they will usually lie about it or explain it away with the excuse that it was during their “bad” time but they know better now.
The third category of FASD children is the type that is causing adoptive families to fall into peril. I believe Satan is priming his Last Day’s army using this third type. They are the ones with no conscience. They can stare you in the face and tell you they didn’t do something even though you are holding the evidence right in front of them. They set people up to get hurt and enjoy watching the pain they’ve inflicted. They are right and everyone around them is wrong. They will keep going in their self deceit until either they, or the one standing in their way of what they want falls and they really don’t care which one it is – them or you. They can rise to any occasion and put on any face that will get them what they want. They think they are tougher than everyone else and are in perfect control of their actions when it suits their needs. They truly believe every false word that comes out of their mouth.
The moment this child realizes their physical dominance, the end has come in the parent’s ability to control this child’s behavior. There is no pliable heart that can be won. These are the kids who may eventually be labeled “sociopath” and will probably end up in jail. The Bible calls these children, “scorners.” In their mind,they are the center of the universe and everyone ought to serve them. All of their bad behavior is written off as justified because they believe they have been unfairly treated. They only remember the discipline, not their behavior that warranted the discipline. Not only will they tell others they were abused when they were not, but they will gloat to others that they “got Mom and Dad in trouble.” These children are very good at twisting the truth and telling it in a believable manner. They are very confused and deluded individuals who can be a danger to anyone that gets in their way.
There is no way anyone can know which category an alcohol exposed child will end up in if they are adopted very young. Adoptive parents go into the parent/child relationship trying to meet every need of the child and sometimes it just can’t be done. Often the families with these type of children feel very isolated because the behaviors are so extreme it takes every ounce of their being just to manage them. Constant supervision and trying to anticipate every move is very wearing on a parent especially if they are feeling condemned by others. It is a very tough position to be in. A parent wants to know that they have been successful in their child rearing efforts. To many, parental success means seeing their child grow up to be a strong, successful godly adult that aspires to change the world with their presence. To many adoptive parents of these very difficult children, success simply means both they and their child lived through the growing up years.
This is the introduction of a series of postings that will tell the story of our past few months. As you read, please remember that every one of my children are loved and of the highest priority to us, including the ones that were the hardest to raise. The biggest criticism I have ever received was that of holding on too long to a child that could not be won. Those are the scars that were the hardest earned. Thus begins my story…
When you sign on the dotted line for the adoption, you are told that there are post adoption services available in case you run into difficulties. Through circumstances beyond our control, we were thrust into the state system, asking for help with one of our difficult children. Being people of faith, we’ve had no desire to access them in the past because we strongly avoid running to the world for help. Granted, there are really good programs out there that appear to be well suited for special needs kids, but the fact that they are not based on the Bible is the main reason we are very hesitant to use them. Yet, we’ve found that in the Christian realm, those who are experienced or educated in FAS issues are far and few between. Few pastors have training in dealing with FASD issues and many don’t believe it even exists. It is a real physical malady that is permanent – actual brain damage that affects things like reasoning and memory. Spiritual growth hinges on the ability to reason and remember the truths that are discovered. But I do believe that spiritual regeneration along with personal sanctification is the first step that will lead to the Holy Spirit’s ability to control and guide – even those who have learning and retention difficulties. Though FAS is forever, the Holy Spirit can guide toward managing the deficits in a supernatural way – but the child must be willing and able to accept direction.
Though we’ve tried to avoid the world’s intrusion into our family, we came to the point where the only way to preserve our family well being was to access the post adopt services that we thought were available. We were a family in crisis with no where to turn for physical help. We’d called dozens of people and programs in the Christian realm and none of them provided any solutions. If I had a dime for every time we heard “I wish I could help, but I have no solution,” I’d be rich. All of the resources we’d used in the past were privately run Christian boy’s homes that were strictly voluntary. We found our hands tied by a rebellious under age boy who refused to stay where he was put. The only option we had left was to access post adopt resources through the state, but we ran into difficulties due to our lack of documentation of past behavior and medical subsidy paperwork. To add to that, we hadn’t gone to licensed psychoanalysts or used secular counselors. We didn’t file police reports or involve the juvenile court system. We found ourselves between a rock and a hard place. So when it came to accessing post adopt subsidy, we found ourself months from any help from the state but we didn’t have months to wait. We needed help in days.
Have you ever been on a path that in your estimation was so difficult that you felt you were stumbling every step of the way leaving you exhausted and bleeding all the while wondering why God is allowing it? We’ve been on this particular path for four months. Because of the many special needs kids we’d adopted, this was a familiar road and a perfect example of the old adage, “familiarity breeds contempt.” Although God has been with us every step of the way, don’t think for a moment I haven’t begged God to end it and put us on a different path! I realize God has seen fit to take us the hard way in order to strengthen us and equip us for the next journey but each journey has become longer and more difficult. It did get a bit tiring!
The past few months have opened my eyes to the long list of families who have fallen into financial disaster and legal difficulties for doing something that most people would find very honorable. They’ve adopted special needs children. These children are labled as FASD, ODD, PTSD, RAD, OCD, ADHD and so on. You may say that it’s not fair to label a child, or that those labels don’t mean anything, but they really are there to identify the behaviors and deficits that these kids have developed – due to no fault of their own. They are simply explanations.
I find these adoptive parents deserve the highest accolades, not the judgment or condemnation we so often see. The adoptive parents didn’t cause the child’s problems, they’re only trying to make up for what they’ve suffered and give the child a secure environment in which to grow and overcome. Some of these kids muddle through their childhood, learning and experiencing healing and attachment to their new families. But some, upon adolescence setting in, find life too difficult to maneuver. Next, not based on scientific findings but on personal experience, I will explain the three categories of the FASD kids and how the third category turns out to be a very dangerous experience for adoptive families.
To be continued…
Occasionally I run across things that I just have to share. This is one of those times. People need to be informed. Most likely you, my reader, are one of them. Here you go, lesson #1…
Below is my comment on my Adoptive Families’ FAS Yahoo Support Group. One of the moms said she thought her son would do better if he could see immediate and appropriate consequences when he saw other kids get caught stealing. Below is my response and then below that is hers.
“Well, I’ve had a lot of kids mess up and my younger kids watched and even though they saw the consequences, they still did the same thing themselves. I never understood why they wouldn’t learn from seeing others suffer consequences. They just always either didn’t think they’d get caught or didn’t think before they did it. “
Here is her excellent explanation of the typical behavior of a FASD kid – friends, welcome to MY world:
“You are right….., I agree with you completely on this. As a matter of fact, this particular behavioral feature (not learning from consequences) is what seems to me to distinguish FASD. So, when I said: ‘I postulate that if he had seen others steal, and seen them get caught, and seen them suffer some unpleasant consequences, he would have avoided doing the same. Seeing is believing. All else is just conjecture, and does not apply.’
I should have said: ‘If he had seen someone steal the money and get caught and punished immediately, he might have decided not to try stealing the money from the same place in that situation, as least not right away. As long as he knows that there was someone watching everyone’s every move, ready to immediately punish every act of thievery, then he would behave himself most of the time…. except when he was really mad, had a strong feeling that he deserved to have whatever he would be stealing, and thought that he had a good chance of not getting caught…. i.e. no one is looking.’
In residential treatment settings, my son rarely ever steals anything. At home, even with locks on every cupboard and door that contained forbidden items, he was constantly trying take anything that he wanted any time he was upset about anything. He did the same at school, but he was even more sneaky about it.
The therapist at the residential home apparently thinks that he is reformed, because he has stopped stealing. Knowing him and FASD as I do, I am thinking that this may be short sighted. It seems to me that it is only the fact that 2 staff watch EVERY move of EVERYONE 24/7. He has stopped this behavior because the environment has been modified to meet his needs. (thus the need for the “external bodies” to monitor in order to ensure proper behavior)
In written reports, while admitting that he has “not yet internalized” the lessons he has learned in therapy, his therapist maintains the words “not yet” which imply that he is going to do this, can do this, and is expected to any moment internalize these things that he can speak so well about.
This is the reason I think FASD training is so important for professionals serving our kids.”
I just spoke with a lawyer who is trying to get DHS policy changed on how they handle families with children who need post-adopt services. Please pray for this attorney. He is advocating for families like ours. He recommended this book:
Fetal Alcohol Syndrome
A Guide for Families and Communities
By Ann Streissguth, Ph.D.
ORDERING INFO
ISBN 1-55766-283-5Paperback / illus.
336 pages / 6 x 9
1997 / $24.95 ($16.47 at Amazon)
Here is the original site that I found the book on. It’s worth checking out and has a page that tells a lot about the book.
If you click to here at Amazon, you can look inside the book and get a better price.
Here is an excerpt:
It was January 1973. I was in shock. I had just finished administering a psychological examination to the seventh young child in the group that Jones and Smith, my dysmorphology colleagues (physicians with expertise in congenital malformations), had asked me to see. Although the seven children represented three racial groups and were not themselves related, they looked eerily alike: small, sparkly eyes; small heads; and an appearance about the mouth that appeared as though they were pursing their lips even when they weren’t smiling. Except for the two who were still infants and the one who was so flaccid she was carried in the arms of her mother, the other children had a wispy, flighty quality. I thought to myself that these children who were so curiously and surprisingly unafraid of me were like butterflies.
These children clearly had brain damage. To an experienced clinician, their neurological insults were as obvious as the aftereffects of meningitis or encephalitis. Each of these children had experienced damage to his or her central nervous system (CNS) that was apparent in his or her erratic movements, poor coordination, flighty attentional states, and poor performance on psychological tests, despite a captivatingly alert and bright-eyed manner.
Click here for the Times Herald article I have reprinted below. This article tells the story similar to a journey our family just embarked on today. Details are different, but the story is the same. If you go to the actual article on the Times Herald site, you can read some of the comments at the end. We are in the middle. It looks like this lady is at the end, hopefully. There are many adoptive parents out there with the same type of problems with the state and their adopted children.
By Jason Alexander, Times Herald, April 10, 2009
A local woman stood in front of the St. Clair County Courthouse on Thursday protesting the return of her adopted son — who has been convicted of criminal sexual misconduct — to her home. St. Clair County Court Administrator Grant Nixon said that isn’t going to happen.
“There are no plans to release him,” Nixon said Bev Bennett’s 14-year-old son, who is being detained at Children’s Home in Marysville.
Because a motion to terminate parental rights was denied at a recent hearing, Bennett believes the child, who she said molested four of her other six children, is headed home soon. Bennett, 32, of Port Huron Township has five adopted children, including the 14-year-old, and two biological children. The son was convicted of criminal sexual conduct in June 2006 and in July 2007, according to court records.
According to Bennett and court records, precautions were taken after the first incident as sensors were put on doors at the home. The 14-year-old son was not allowed to be alone with any of of Bennett’s other children, ages 15, 13, 13, 10, 9 and 8. However, Bennett said that didn’t stop the second incident. Nixon said Bennett recently attempted to terminate her parental rights under a delinquency petition, which he said could not be done under Michigan law.
“The judge looks at it, and he has to comply with the law,” Nixon said.
Bennett was upset she could not terminate the rights.
“I understand he is my child, but my other children are the victims, and they shouldn’t have to go through that again,” Bennett said. “I don’t know what to do. I’m totally at a loss at what to do at this point.”
That led Bennett to stand in front of the courthouse to perhaps get advice from other people. About a dozen people stood with her, including her children, who were handing out flyers detailing their story. They held signs that said “I deserve to be safe,” and “I don’t want to be molested.”
“It’s terrifying,” Bennett said. “My kids are traumatized by this.”