Sharing a Different Perspective
If you practice the typical parental sharing rule among your children, you may be creating bitterness, a selfish heart and a self centered mindset.
I know. Parenting can be a scary thing when you consider you might be causing the very behavior you are trying to avoid.
A Parenting Mistake
Little Johnny gets a new Lego Bug Obliterater set and he spends hours putting it together. He sits back on his heels and admires his work as his little brother comes from behind and grabs the mega bug and rips off the wings and runs off with his Lego guy.
Johnny hollers, “Moooommmmm! Buster (which is a good name for the little guy since he is Destructo in the flesh) just broke my Lego bug and took my star strider!”
And then how does mom respond? “Johnny, share with your brother!”
What??? Really?
Johnny’s Emotional Response
- He now KNOWS his mom won’t protect his things from others. (fear)
- His brother becomes the enemy. He decides he must watch for invaders in his personal space. (self protection)
- He decides that if mom isn’t his ally, then he must look within and only trust himself. (feelings of abandonment)
- Things become more important than the people around him because he begins to fear loss. (materialism)
- A little seed of bitterness and resentment begins to grow. (anger)
A Better Parental Response
Johnny hollers, “Moooommmmm! Buster (which is a good name for the little guy since he is Destructo in the flesh) just broke my Lego bug and took my star strider!”
Mom responds: “Buster, you know that belongs to Johnny. You are free to watch him play and maybe he’ll invite you to play with him. But it’s up to him. Johnny, maybe you can build him something to play with?”
Johnny now believes:
- His mom respects him and what belongs to him. (security)
- Mom considers him to be as important as Buster. (value)
- Family can play and work together and be considerate. (courtesy)
- Boundaries foster good relationships. (respect)
- Buster will learn to play nice or he won’t get what he wants. (cause and effect)
- He can share with Buster out of love, not obligation. (love)
“Teach your kids to share,” is not a mandate to make them give up their things. Evaluate each situation and guage your parental response according to what is best.
Do we not protect our possessions? As adults, we hate taxes. We’d much rather give out of a heart of love or concern for others than have things taken from us without our consent. Remember the Boston Tea Party? Are you against socialism? Do we not lock our doors to protect what is ours?
If your children fear loss, they will put up barriers and self protect. Rather than teaching them to fear, teach them to prefer others and learn to love in practical ways. Lead by example. Let them see you are a giving person. Let giving and sharing be by their choice.
You don’t teach your kids to GIVE by TAKING AWAY from them.
Do you make your kids share?
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Chris
I have never viewed it this way before. Any suggestions for fixing this now? My boys are 15 and 13. 🙁
Val Frania
I would sit down and talk with them about it. Ask them what they think of my article. They are old enough to express their thoughts on the subject. Let me know if you do. I’d be interested in what they have to say. If they both have the same opinion, then together make a new plan or stay with the old one. They might just say it’s no big deal. If they say it’s been an issue then let them help you make a new rule. If they are involved in planning a new way of dealing with things you will get better compliance and gain a new respect from them.
I’ve never been one to ask my kids how they thought I should discipline, but if a parent discovers a new way to make things easier, then it always helps if the kids are on board.