Category: Humor Page 1 of 2

Gotta love the geriatric population…at the doctor…

BFF – best friend fell
BTW – bring the wheelchair
BYOT – bring your own teeth
FWIW – forgot where I was
GGPBL – gotta go, pacemaker battery low
GHA – got heartburn again
IMHO – is my hearing aid on?
LMDO – laughing my dentures out
OMMR – on my massage recliner
ROFLACGU – rolling on floor laughing and can’t get up
TTYL – talk to you louder!
OMG! – Oh my Gout!

…thanks, Carol.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FNcMgGGOwzE&feature=related

A United States Marine was taking some college courses between assignments. He had completed 20 missions in Iraq and Afghanistan. One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist, and a member of the ACLU.

One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, “GOD, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform… I’ll give you exactly 15 min.” The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, “Here I am GOD, I’m still waiting.”

It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him; knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold. The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently.

The other students were shocked and stunned, and sat there looking on in silence. The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, “What in the world is the matter with you? Why did you do that?”

The Marine calmly replied, “GOD was too busy today protecting America’s soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid stuff and act like an idiot. So He sent me.” The classroom erupted in cheers.

“Good moms let their kids lick the beaters, Great moms turn off the mixer first.” ~anonymous

A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death’s doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs. 

He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. 

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven. There, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. 

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? 

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife. 

“Stay out of those,” she said. “They’re for the funeral.

This seems a little daunting to start with but if you apply yourself you may find that it’s not as difficult as you think.

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you’ll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 25-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 50-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more
than a full minute. (I’m at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each sack.