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Adoption Family Parenting tips Things I've Learned

How well do you supervise your older kids? Parenting Tip #21

 

I hear comments occasionally from parents who think they are obligated to give their kids complete privacy…um no, I never did.

 

How well do you supervise your older kids? {Mom of Many}

They don’t:

  • look through their kids’ stuff.
  • check up on them to make sure they are where they are supposed to be.
  • find out who their friends are or who they hang with.
  • talk often with teachers and coaches.
  • require accountability with schoolwork, school and church activities or how they spend their free time.

Adding to that they:

  • give their kids phones without any accountability.
  • let them go to homes of people they don’t know.
  • allow dating at an early age.
  • allow unsupervised internet browsing.
  • allow unlimited gaming or other “fun” that could turn into time wasting or obsession.

Moms! One way we protect our kids is by supervision.

  • I knew all of my kids’ friends.
  • I knew where they were at all times (unless of course, they were sneaky about it – but I eventually found out).
  • We didn’t allow sleep overs at other homes (We learned that lesson quickly).
  • We didn’t allow them to own cell phones.
  • We often looked through their rooms.
  • There was never any Internet browsing and any computer time was limited and supervised (out in the open, never in their rooms).

Granted, I had some “interesting children” but I only went to extremes when necessary. Otherwise, we made it clear to all of our kids that as long as they were living under our roof during the years we are responsible for them, there was to be no expected privacy. (Except for obvious personal time).

We didn’t allow dating – at all.

Supervise your kids! {Mom of Many}

We did encourage good friendships. I told them you can’t necessarily control your feelings but you can control what you do about them.

One year we had a child in our home for a Christmas visit that would call our boys into the bathroom and shut the door to whisper ideas of badness. Oh boy did we had trouble with a capital “T”. It led to some pretty bad behavior and attitudes. We squelched the activity, but a little too late.

Don’t make the same mistake we did. By the time we knew something was up, it was too late.

Supervise. Supervise. S.U.P.E.R.V.I.S.E.

  1. Do your best to limit your kids’ exposure to troubled kids. Ever heard of “rebel radar?”
  2. Watch for whisperings and plotting if you have “interesting kids.”
  3. Keep a good line of communication open to get a feel for your kids’ attitude and experiences.
  4. You want your kids to know you are watching them – be ever present. Be around. Be present.
  5. Watch. See. Ponder. Ask. Be involved. Be present. Be wise. Be open and obvious.
  6. Listen to that small still inner voice – If you are a believer, it’s the Holy Spirit warning you!

This is what my DD said about our supervision during her growing up years: “Paying attention to who your kids hang out with… It annoyed me when I was younger – you paying attention to who I hung out with so much…(now she says) but good job!”

Do you supervise? Do you get criticized by others about how much you supervise? We were criticized by some saying we didn’t criticize enough (though I can’t imagine anyone supervising more than I did) and we were criticized that we supervised too much. Only you know your child best and only you can decide how much is needed. Each child is different and you have to parent differently for each child – yep, you guessed it. We were criticized for that too.

The thing is…I have complete confidence that I did all I could to bring them up right. I don’t stress over my part, don’t doubt or even look back and wish I had done more. You too can be that confident!

Until next time,

Val @ Mom of Many

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Family Parenting tips

Grammie dates are the bomb! Parenting Tip #20

I have four local grandkids and love love L.O.V.E. every minute I have with them. I find that I enjoy having them individually as well as in different combinations.

Grammie dates are the bomb! {Mom of Many}To have them separately helps me get to know them individually rather than how they are in a “group.”

It helps them get to know me better. The third and fourth, etc. don’t get the advantages of alone time with Grammie like the first and second did.

Here are some ideas for one-on-ones:

  • Invite just one to spend the night and have them keep track of who’s turn is next. It’s good time to watch an extra long movie, snuggle, and share munchies.
  • Plan a time to take them out on a date and let them choose where you go. Just dropping by without planning in advance (ask their mom first, secretly) and inviting them out is fun. I usually ask where they want to go eat and what stores or activities they want to do. A typical date is lunch at a restaurant, off to Walmart to pick out a dollar or two toy and then over to look at the pets at Petsmart.
  • Hire them to help you at your house do a job like landscaping or cleaning out the basement (with you). They learn to help Grammie (preparing for the older years) and can gain the satisfaction of earning some pocket change (don’t pay them a lot, just enough to give them a taste of earning $).
  • Have them over to learn to cook or work out in the garden.
  • Revive some of the lost arts like crocheting or sewing.
  • Do some DIY together. My grandson and I love to create. Our  next project is a fairy garden.
  • Take them out Christmas shopping for their mom and dad. How often do little ones have a gift for their parents that one of the parents didn’t have to plan? Our DD gives each of them a dollar or two and we go to the dollar store to pick out gifts. That way they can practice gift giving without much financial loss if their gifts are goofy! Let them choose what they want to give for a gift (with a little guidance).
  • If they are older, try movies, trips to the mall and even church or school activities. Take a granddaughter to get a manicure or change up her hairstyle.

You will be amazed how a little one-on-one will improve your relationship.

They feel special and you get to talk and interact with them alone. It creates a desire to be with you. This is the greatest benefit. To be loved is one thing. To be wanted is even better.

It’s the bomb.

Do you have any ideas to add? Leave me a comment!

 

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Val @ Mom of Many

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Family Parenting tips

Does cold weather make our kids sick? Parenting Tip #19

Dress Your Kids for Winter {Mom of Many}

My mom always told me that if my kids weren’t dressed warm enough they would catch a cold.

We would laugh at her because we know cold weather doesn’t produce a virus. But what does it do? Does it do anything?

We know that cold weather can affect a person with a weak immune system, but the cold in itself doesn’t cause a cold.

When my kids had some sort of lung or throat issues, I would bundle them up and have them go out in the cold and breathe deeply for a couple of minutes to let the cold attack the virus. It worked well. The coldness can kick our immune system up a notch. BUT, be careful they don’t get chilled or stay out long.

There are instances where being out in the dry cold air can open us up to illness if we breathe through our mouth.

Asthmatics can also have a bad reaction to the cold. We had to be careful to cover our asthmatic kids’ mouths when going out in the cold to help avoid the cold hitting their lungs.

Can the Cold Give You a Cold? is an interesting article that explains more. I liked it because it confirmed everything we did as parents – convenient, no?

Please follow these simple rules this winter:

  • Dress your kids like you would dress yourself. If you wear a sweater, then put one on your kids. If you wear a coat, put a coat on your kids.
  • If you have the kids wear a scarf, please tuck it into the coat. Too many strangle by getting the scarf caught!
  • If you use those cool little car seat covers for baby, make sure you don’t leave the top zipped up for long – some babies are having SIDs events.
  • If you don’t have a car seat cover, throw a blanket over your baby when going from the house to the car and from the car to the store. Rushes of cold air are upsetting to babies!
  • Consider your kids’ comfort. If it’s cold outside, have them wear hats and gloves.
  • If you have trouble getting boots over your kids’ shoes (you know, the type that are rubber and covers the shoe?), put a store bag over their foot with shoe on and it will slide right in, easy peasey. It will also help keep their feet dry if the boots leak!

Dress Your Kids for Winter {Mom of Many}Some moms say their kids object to wearing coats.

They are uncomfortable in the car or too much of a hassle to put on the coat, hat, scarf, gloves, boots, etc. Regardless of their complaints, have them dress appropriately. You can always let them take their coats off in the car, but then you’ll need to insist they put them back on when they get out of the car.

I even followed this with my teens – the boys tended to “forget” their coats. I made them crazy by insisting they go get them before we left. What can I say? I was persistent!

If you are consistent and persistent, eventually it will become habit.

They will know enough to put their stuff on when appropriate. Sometimes it’s work to be a parent, but your kids are worth it. Just do it.

I liked to follow the “better safe than sorry” approach. Go the extra mile. Put their needs ahead of their wants this winter.

Do you have anything to add to my list?

 

Val @ Mom of Many

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Adoption Family Parenting tips

Abandonment Issues – Parenting Tip #18

Fear of Abandonment

This is a huge issue. It affects so many of us – kids and adults alike.

I’ve known so many who are affected in every area of their lives because they felt abandoned by those who were suppose to care for them.

It affects their future relationships with:

  • parents & grandparents
  • peers & friends
  • spouses & children
  • co-workers/business partners/employees

Parenting Tip for Adoptive Moms {Mom of Many)

“It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men.” ~Frederick Douglass

Parenting Tip for Adoptive Moms {Mom of Many)

Please. Please. Please. Put your kids first and always be there for them.

  • Be available – in the good times and in bad.
  • Meet their needs
  • Give them structure and clear expectations.
  • Hold them accountable.
  • Follow through – be consistent.
  • Consider what is best for them in every decision.
  • Be involved in every area of their lives.
  • If they tell you to back off or leave them alone – don’t. They need you even if they don’t know it.
  • If there is a problem, care enough about them to address it.
  • Keep the light on.

 

Kids, especially teenagers sometimes will think you don’t care about them if you discipline them.

They may even hate you in the moment. But if you don’t correct them they will assume you don’t care. You can’t win for losin’. Go figure.

 

Kids want you to go the extra mile to make sure they are secure and cared for.

Sometimes that is inconvenient. Yep. Parenting isn’t always easy or fun. You have to do things you don’t like, they don’t like and others don’t like. You will be criticized, misjudged and disliked. Oh, well. Your kids come before your popularity or comfort.

We had people tell us we were too soft on our kids and others tell us we were too hard. You can’t please everyone!

They are worth your effort. They are worth your time.

 

A SIDE NOTE: I have kids who love me. I have kids who don’t. Regardless of which category they fit in – I still love them all. I want them in my life and the door will always be open to ALL of them. It was hard to teach some of my adopted kids to trust us because of their past experiences, but we worked at it every day and still do. Sometimes only God can heal the hurt. We wait and watch.

The ones who love me are amazing and I cherish EVERY moment I’m with them. I always hope the ones who don’t will pick up the phone or text me and let me know they are coming by for a visit – it has happened!

I’ve seen God do amazing things. 

I pray every day that He will do a tremendous work in our family. We did our part. Now we wait and watch for Him to work.

If you have abandonment issues in your family or personally – ask God for healing. He can and will. I have been so impressed with my kids who have allowed God to work in their lives and bring them to the other side. It takes time and effort to sort it all out. They are amazing.

 

For a free word art high resolution word art click here or on the picture below:

Abandonment {Mom of Many}

Val @ Mom of ManyMomofMany.net

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Family Parenting tips

5 Things You SHOULD Say to Your Adult Kids – Parenting Tip #17

Adult Kids {Mom of Many.net}

Having a new, adult relationship with your kids is such a wonderful change.

No responsibility.

No conflict.

No pressure.

You can just enjoy them! You look forward to them coming for a visit, enjoy them when they are in your home and then they go home to their own home, their own lives, and their own plans.

If you do it right, you can have a great relationship – it is so amazing to have adult kids that you can spend time with, share things, talk things over with, dream with, laugh with, cry with, complain to, listen to, plan, party, and pursue…

You get the idea.

Parenting Tip for Adoptive Moms {Mom of Many)

Here are the 5 things you should say to your adult kids:

  1. I can’t wait till you guys come visit.
  2. You’re doing a great job!
  3. When are you bringing the kids over?
  4. No matter what, we will always love you.
  5. We are only a phone call away.

Parenting Tip for Adoptive Moms {Mom of Many)

Keep that door open. Make sure they know you want them – no matter what.

I always told my kids, “If you decide to walk down a different road than what we mapped out for you, we won’t go with you but we will be right here when you decide to come back, waiting.”

It is not our job to correct our kids once they are adults. It is our job to be available when they need us.

Adult to adult is our reward for raising them.

That doesn’t mean we follow them into the darkness if they choose to walk there. It does mean we stay in the light so they can find it when they come looking.

Val @ Mom of Many

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5 Things NOT to Say to Your Adult Kids – Parenting Tip #16

Adult Kids {Mom of Many.net}We were blessed with lots of family this Thanksgiving weekend. We have babies!

I’ll keep this quick since I have family in this weekend…

As your kids grow and go, your ability to influence changes.

Let’s explore what NOT to say to your adult kids.

  1. Unless asked, don’t offer advice.
  2. Never criticize or jab your kids with little irritating comments.
  3. If you have a problem with their lifestyle, keep it to yourself.
  4. Never intervene during your kid’s and their spouse’s disagreements.
  5. Never tell them they are raising their kids wrong. N.E.V.E.R.

There are a ton more, but you get the picture.

Our job now that our kids are grown and establishing their own family is to enjoy them. We are here if they need us. Our relationships now as adults do not require us to take responsibility for any of their choices, so we are free to step back and just let them be who they are.

If they want our advice, they will ask.

If they need our help, we need to be available, judgement free, and supportive.

Is this difficult? Yes, sometimes. But to be free of responsibility is very liberating. We work hard at it and try to keep the lines of communication open.

We are in the process of developing new relationships with our kids – some are there, some need work some are non-existent, but we are hopeful. When they are ready, they will come.

The main thing to remember is to watch, wait and hope – and be ready.

 

Val @ Mom of Many

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Family Parenting tips

Do you teach your kids to help mom? Parenting Tip #15

 

Do you teach your kids to help mom? {Mom of Many}When our kids were little we started the “special thing.”

Bedtimes were set in stone unless our kids found something special to do for mom. It could be sweeping the floor, picking up the baby’s toys, or folding a basket of laundry. BUT…it had to be something for mom and they had to think it up themselves.

Not only was it a help to me, the mom who’s job was never done, it taught them to think of others. Some days they would think all day long on what they could do to earn another half hour to stay up and play.

My kids know how to serve others.

They know how to work.

They know how to plan ahead.

Even when the teenage years came along, there were moments:

My son Levi and I liked to peel grapefruit right down to the little pillows of liquid. It was the most exquisite breakfast food ever. It took us about 15 minutes or more to do so but it was so worth the time and effort. The rest of the kids didn’t have the patience.

One day I was talking on the phone with my DH telling him about an exchange I had with someone that had caused me great distress. My son saw how upset I was and while on the phone, he brought me a peeled grapefruit.

Needless to say, I lost it. I started bawling my eyes out because of this impulsive act of kindness. He looked at me like, “What did I do?”

I have this thing; I can be very brave and weather the toughest storm…unless you are nice to me. That is when I lose it.

A mom can go through some tough moments and weather them just fine because they ALWAYS feel they must be the strong for others. But then someone shows a little kindness and that compassion breaks through the ice. That ice isn’t bad – sometimes it is necessary to get through the tough times.

Too often moms put themselves last because they think doing so is being a good example.

But let’s not forget that we are teaching future husbands and fathers. They must learn to respect and honor mom. Their future wives will thank you.

If there was one last piece of pie, my DH would always offer it to me first. He wanted to show our sons that mom was to be cared for. I have always told my boys that girls are delicate flowers and they should treat them as such.

Tomorrow we will talk about kids that don’t do as they are taught when they grow into adults – what does a mom do?

TTYT!

Val @ Mom of Many

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Are meal times a fiasco? Parenting Tip #14

Mealtime bliss can be achieved…

In the spirit of Thanksgiving (not the thankfulness part, but the mom’s part in the dinner), I will give you a couple of tips on how to make it less stressful.

Meal time fiasco? {Mom of Many}

These are tips that will make your entire year better and less stressful.

Meal times should be a pleasant family experience but if you are constantly yelling at your kids to sit down and eat their food, they are anything but.

Easy fixes for kids who have food issues

  1. Teach them to stay in their seat during meal times. From early on you can accomplish this through consistency. Never allow them to get out of their seat and if they do repeatedly and a simple “stay in your seat” isn’t working, let them know that if they get out of their seat, meal time is over for them. Be sure to follow through – it will be hard, but they will learn quickly.
  2. Only give them the food you KNOW they will finish. If you have a picky eater, serve the most important food first and then the other foods as that is finished. Example: If your child tends to eat the fruit and pick at the sandwich, give them a half sandwich first and nothing else until that is gone. At that point you can decide if you will give the other half or the rest of the meal. Get to know their appetites and serve food accordingly. Serve the less desirable food first.
  3. Don’t serve milk or juice until meal time is over – or at least until they have eaten a balanced meal. The drinks take up valuable space.
  4. Never let fits or begging affect the decisions you have made regarding the nutritional needs of your child. You are the parent and YOU know best. I’ve heard so many moms say, “He won’t eat anything else, so I serve him what he wants just to get him to eat.” Fooooey.
  5. Supervise meal times. Don’t plop down their food and leave. Training requires presence. If one of your kids are disrupting the mealtime, either have them stand behind their chair or take their food away and have them sit there without anything in front of them. Be firm but kind – tell them it’s their choice to behave or sit there while everyone else finishes their meal.

Are your mealtimes a fiasco? Parenting Tip #14 {Mom of Many}

My ebook, Raising Real Kids, has a bunch more, but for now, I’ll stop there. Be strong. Be kind. Be brave. Be consistent. Your family will appreciate the end result. An obedient child is a happy child.

Let me know how it goes.

It may be too late to train your child for this Thanksgiving, but put the training in place and you will have a better Christmas dinner – and every dinner thereafter. Rome wasn’t built in a day, and neither was your home. If you get started today then your tomorrows will be less stressful and much more enjoyable.

Our family was made up of a dozen other families with different experiences, disciplines and traditions. We adopted kids from 3 months old to 9 years old and we were able to train and teach each one of them to eat with dignity and appreciation. You can too. It’s not hard once you know what to do.

Feel free to ask me a question in the comments – I read every one.  I will do my best to answer with some ideas to help you overcome meal time issues.

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Have a blessed Thanksgiving!

Val @ Mom of Many

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Family Family Events Parenting tips

A Kid Friendly Thanksgiving Table – Parenting Tip #13

Is Your Thanksgiving Table Kid Friendly?

Since the kids tend to get a bit impatient waiting for Thanksgiving dinner to get on the table, do a little something different this year.

Give them special placemats.

The Kids' Thanksgiving Table {Mom of Many}

The Thanksgiving coloring pages are from Busy Bee Kid’s Printables. They will grab the kids’ attention and take it off you – giving you the freedom to finish up on your Thanksgiving preparations.

The Kids' Thanksgiving Table {Mom of Many}

Create kid friendly hors d’oeuvres

Curb their appetites a bit with snack foods consistent with the holiday – if they are nutritious, you’ll have no worries!

The Kids' Thanksgiving Table {Mom of Many}

If they are a bit older, go with a Mad Libs fill in the blank activity.

The Kids' Thanksgiving Table {Mom of Many}

These Mad Libs can be found at My Sister’s Suitcase.

The Kids' Thanksgiving Table {Mom of Many}

The Kids' Thanksgiving Table {Mom of Many}

The Kids' Thanksgiving Table {Mom of Many}

Happy Thanksgiving!

It’s a great time to focus on family and forget your to-do list…even if just for a day.

What are your plans for Thanksgiving? Please leave a comment and tell us what Thanksgiving traditions you enjoy each year.

Val @ Mom of Many

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Family Parenting tips Things I've Learned

Has your child rejected your faith? Parenting Tip #11

Has Your Child Rejected Your Faith? {Mom of Many}I asked my some of my newest M.O.M. members this question:

“If you had to name one parenting moment or a behavioral issues you couldn’t get victory over, what would it be?”

This is one mom’s question:

“Okay Val, I’ll give you mine – and I’d be thrilled if you have an answer: [How do you handle] adult children who turn their back on everything they’ve been taught about the Gospel? No victory yet with the almost 30-year old. I’m excited about the group and hope it will be a blessing.”

Here is my answer:

There was a time that I would just say, “Hope for the best and let God do the rest.” But now that I’m on the other side with several of my kids, I can say with confidence that you will see your child come back to God if he truly was saved when he was in your home. If not, then your example and training will give him a starting point that God will use one day to draw him to Himself. Either way you can have the confidence to know you have done what God put you in his life to do.

I have seen a good majority of our kids leave our home saying they would follow God only to run to the world and “enjoy” the sin it affords. BUT through the prayers of those who care for them and the fact that God doesn’t let go of His own, you can be sure that God will one day capture his heart. How long that will be remains to be seen, but realize that your job is done – God is in charge of them from now on.

Sometimes God sees a weakness in our child’s lives and allows them to go their own way to teach them something. But He will only let them go so far before He reels them in. You can trust God – He knows just what to do. I used to fear what would happen to my kids – feared their pain or loss. But I have come to treasure whatever God allows in their lives to change them. My trust in my God has tripled since I’ve seen Him work through my kids’ lives. I have a better understanding and know Him more. God changes us through our kids. That is a good thing. We can find solace in knowing that God knows what He is doing and we can trust Him.

The only thing you should do is keep your life in line as example and let God deal with the rest. Just love your son, accept him as he is and don’t push or question him. Let him know you are leaving him in God’s hands and you no longer are responsible for him. It will keep your relationship safe for him and leave him free to make the decision to follow God without thinking he is “giving in” because of you.

God cares for him. God cares for you and if they are important to you, that puts them at the top of God’s list – simply because you are important to Him. Don’t stress, just enjoy your son and let him feel accepted. Accept where he is and have peace about it. We can be sad, but we can still have peace. No judgements. It frees you and frees him. It’s the best place to be.

And BTW, your son hasn’t turned his back on all he knows to be true. God is firmly planted in his heart, he’s just not listening right now. But God is there – He hasn’t moved and never will.

God loves your son more than you do – that’s an awesome truth. Trust it.

Parenting Tip for Adoptive Moms {Mom of Many)

If you are in the same boat as this mom, be encouraged.

It’s not just a platitude. I’ve seen it and can tell you for sure, God knows and cares.

He’s got this.

Val @ Mom of Many

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