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Category: Things I’ve Learned Page 4 of 6

This ranges from Spiritual truths to just plain lessons in life.

Things never got any better for him…

Here is a brief description of the son of one of my Yahoo friends. I put these stories on my blog to hopefully open the eyes of those around me to some of the issues surrounding special needs adoption. Realize that just because you don’t see some of these behaviors doesn’t mean they don’t exist. Parents don’t usually share such things with family or friends because they feel a need to protect their children from the hurt of rejection. As well, we as the  parents of these kids wish to be accepted and supported, but fear that if we share too much, our children and even our entire family, will be avoided and judged. So we choose to isolate ourselves rather than risk it. It’s kind of like a self-fulfilled prophecy. 

Read about Mrs. Brown’s son:

RAD [attachment issues] is certainly possible in toddler age children, as is early onset bipolar. Doctors don’t like to medicate that early, as they like more time to see what is going on. My son who was adopted at age 2 1/2 was diagnosed at age 4 with severe ADHD [attention deficit hyperactive disorder] and ODD [oppositional defiant disorder], to the point of mania.

It was SO hard to get through those first months before they would medicate him at age 4. But he was a danger to himself – he was so bad off.  He would run around the yard to fast he would smack right into a tree.  He started out on Cylert and Clonidine to help him calm down and help him sleep (which he didn’t do much of).  As he grew so did his Dx’s, to Bipolar, attachment disorders, Conduct Disorder, and something about rages; I can’t remember what they called it. To put it mildly, he was violent.

He was born alcohol and drug exposed and was premature. He had frontal lobe damage, which is the part of the brain that controls emotions. His emotions were out of control. He had to leave our home when he was 9 due to his violence, attacking my (older) daughters. He would spend his nights chewing thru his (metal) screens, ripping up floor boards, and destroying furniture.

People around here didn’t know how bad it was at home; he tried to hold it together out in public and at school for whatever reason. Then he came home and blew apart. So of course the lovely folks in this town assumed it was my fault. Even when he couldn’t hold it together at school any more and started doing more and more outrageous stuff there, they still blamed me. [They thought] I must be abusive to have a child like this. They knew his birth history, but still blamed it on me. Says alot for their intelligence, huh ?

During one of his rages, I managed to get him to the ER, where they recommended a stay in a pediatric psych unit. He never came home again. From there he went to more permanent psych hospital stays and RTCs [residential treatment centers]. Things never got any better for him. He is 19 now.

This is a typical story of an adoptive child who was adopted with serious issues. When an adoptive parent puts themself out there to bring these kids into their family and try to provide a normal, caring home, please do not blame them for the children’s behaviors or judge their parenting techniques. You have no idea what it is like to live with these kids until you have done it yourself. If you ever dared to step out and do as they have, you will undoubetedly become very sympathetic to their family. Support them, love them, and do what you can to help them. They ought to be admired, not judged. And, when they say, “My child came to us with issues that are very hard to deal with,” – believe them! 

Help for Addicted Loved Ones

When the prodigal son (mentioned in Luke 15:11-32) went off to the far country, he did not come to his senses when there was plenty of money around and partying going on.  He woke up to reality when he was feeding hogs, and getting really hungry.  The only way you can help your loved-one that refuses to get help is by allowing them to hit rock-bottom sooner rather than later. Let them hit bottom before they have sustained so much physical and mental damage that their life, in all essence, is destroyed.
 
Your addicted loved-one might have to live there for a while, but they will eventually get tired of living at rock-bottom. They will beg and plead, and deny they are using. They will ask for money. They will want to use your car. They will beg you to give them a little more time to get back on their feet. You have to cut them off completely! Don’t lie for your loved-one to their boss. Don’t give them the one hundred dollars they want, and don’t make their car payment for them…THE ONLY WAY TO HELP IS TO LET THEM FAIL!  Let them get fired, let them be hungry, force them to walk and not drive!  
 
They might end up homeless–living in a dumpster, hungry, jobless, and alone– but they must face the hard, cold reality of their destructive lifestyle that they have chosen.  An addict is not going to quit using until they hit rock-bottom.  Rock-bottom, simply put, is the place where the painful consequences of addiction exceed the pleasure of that addiction. The addict may hit rock-bottom in the county jail, when the car is repossessed, when the husband or wife leaves, or when the children are taken away from him or her.  They might hit rock-bottom when they are hungry and the family abandons them.  They might hit rock-bottom when there is no place to crash anymore.  Don’t let them continue to play games with you; do not take action to help your loved-one avoid hitting rock-bottom.

To read this article by Dr. George Crabb, D.O. in its entirety, click here. This article was on the Reformers Unanimous Schools of Discipleship webpage.

Out of Darkness and Into the Light

This is probably going to be the most unusual post I’ve published so far for several reasons. One, it will expose my human side, a side no one other than my husband knows about. To show one’s vulnerability and human frailties goes against the most basic tendency of self protection and preservation. Let’s face it, pride is a hard beast to slay. Secondly,  to show one’s inner self, the secret thoughts and imaginings of oneself is risky. It could cause those of you who care for me to change your opinion of me. That is a real risk, and one that frankly, I was never willing to take – until now. Thirdly, it will give those who already hold disdain for me more arrows to place in their quiver that will eventually be shot my way.

I’ve given you the reasons why I shouldn’t write this post. Now let me tell you why I should. Too often in our spiritual journey we fall into a fake type of existance that becomes rote for us. We smile, we chat, we say “hello,” and seldom scratch below the surface of a superficial existence. We go to church, we share “acceptable” prayer requests, we greet others, ask them how they are, and what do we always hear? “I’m fine.” Right? I long to have the freedom of reaching beyond the usual platitudes. I fantasize about talking the afternoon away with another kind hearted brother or sister in Christ and tell them of my fears, sadness and disappointments. Actually, I could name you a dozen people right now that I could call that would be right there for me. I’ve actually gone down the list a dozen times in my mind.

So why didn’t I call any of them for encouragement?  I’ve learned to keep the negativity hidden. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been cautioned to present a good face, to let the glory of God shine through regardless of circumstances.  I agree with that to a point. Our God is great and we ought to show the world that His presence in our lives makes us different from others, complete and able to withstand anything Satan throws at us. Another reason, though it may seem invalid to others, is still a reality to those who have lived the life that I have. I’m a “fixer.” I’m the one who figures things out, supplies the needs, and searches for the answer that will make things right again. I’m the one that others come to for help or support. How does one show weakness when you’re the one expected to hold everyone else up? If you’re like me, your validation comes from how useful and helpful you are to others. If I become the one who needs help, how can I be of use to others?  Whether that thinking is faulty or not, it’s still a reality to people who consider themselves “the strong ones.” There is no room for weakness – none at all. 

But what about those times that we need someone to tell us it’s going to be OK? How does our support system know that we need someone to share our burdens with if we never speak of them? God says to “bear one another’s burdens,” but we must show our vulnerability in order to share our burdens. It’s our humaness that causes us to connect with others. I am tired of and determined to figure out how to leave off the facade.  I  know, I know, no one is perfect, but we surely do try to present ourselves that way – we try to hide our imperfections and doubts from others as some sort of twisted self preservation. And to add to that, for some reason we have this crazy notion that if we are to represent Christ, we must present ourselves as having it all together all of the time.

To some extent I have broken my own rules in this regard a few times this past year. I had to make a conscious effort to seek counsel. We were up to our eyeballs with some of our kids’ problems that we had no idea what to do about it. It was very difficult because it meant I had to choose wisely my confidant because they had to be completely trustworthy and knowledgeable at the same time. [Remember, we have to keep our mouth shut, no good Christian complained about another Christian in any way or you are not a good Christian any more, and who would risk that? Certainly not a good Christian!] Fortunately I DID choose wisely and God used these folks in a mighty way to help us to make wise decisions and survive it all. But it’s a little easier seeking counsel over what to do with someone else’s troubles. To seek it over my own was near impossible!

News flash! Everyone struggles. Everyone fails. Everyone doubts and gets discouraged. Just because you don’t see it doesn’t meant it isn’t true. This story needs to be told. Perhaps if others see my past struggles, they might think theirs are not unique. Perhaps I might encourage someone along the way. I surely hope so. It is my purpose in life – to encourage others, to make another person’s journey better. Perhaps when I tell you how God pulled me out of my tail spin you’ll see how one kind word or deed can make a difference.

It started a few months ago – Satan’s whisperings, his suggestions, the accusations. (No, I wasn’t hearing voices.) Some of you will remember that for months I was asking God for several miracles in my life. Most of them had to do with my kids. My friends faithfully prayed without details. What a blessing that was. It kept me going. From trial to trial, God showed Himself faithful, renewing and strengthening my faith.

But then I suffered a couple of personal blows. Someone that I had confidence in disappointed me. My cornerstone seemed to have moved. I lost my direction. Then came the subtle whisperings to my heart. Satan the great accuser took advantage of my worn out state. We’d had so many struggles in such a short time that he obviously felt it was time to start attacking me inward. He saved his best for last. He began his final attack by bringing a disappointment that really threw me off my game.  I felt as though I was adrift without anything to hold on to. Now you can get spiritual on me and say, “Well, she just needed to focus on Christ.” Yes, that’s true, but it’s the blessings He gives us that help us make it through our days, especially when those days are dark and dreary.  What do we do when those blessings seem to fall away?

I had experienced so much loss and disappointment that I was empty. I don’t mean spiritually empty, for I was in the Word and experiencing a great relationship with my Lord. I was finding out so much about Him and enjoying our time together.  But I was emotionally drained from multiple trials and the last straw came – and out of the blue nothing made sense. That is the point at which Satan began whispering. Any time that happens we ought to be aware that we are in for a battle. Looking back, I believe God allowed that time of testing to give me new insight, but at the time it threatened my very being.

Satan was whispering in my ear hourly, sometimes by the minute, “Don’t you think everyone would be happier and much better off without you?”  I argued. I pushed. I felt like I was all alone, that God was turning a deaf ear. Even though I knew it was just for a season and that God truly did still love me and would eventually bring me out of it, I knew I had to battle those whisperings day in and day out, hour by hour and it went on for weeks and weeks! I purposely reminded myself that Jesus was tempted and it didn’t mean that He was sinning. It only meant that Satan was testing Him, wanting to find a point where he could claim victory. Even though I was determined not to let him win, I still had to endure the endless tauntings – tauntings that I actually had come to believe were true.

Of course I knew I had God’s power behind me to overcome it, but for some reason He would not take it away. I carried around a dark feeling that pervaded my every waking moment. No one knew. I shared it with no one. For many weeks I battled it. I was tired of fighting with kids to get them to do right. I was tired of hearing about gossip and lies that were being told about me or members of my family. I was tired of being beat over the head. I was tired of losing hope and being disappointed by those who were supposed to love me. I was tired of being afraid. I was tired of being told that many of my kids cared not one wit about me. It seemed nothing would ever be right. I was tired of losing my kids to the world. I was just plain tired.

I decided I was going to get an honest opinion from someone. When Jillian came home from college I decided I was just going to come out and ask her, “Isn’t it true that life would be easier for everyone if I just wasn’t around?”  I knew it was a bold question but I just had to know. Several times the first week I started to ask it, but couldn’t bring myself to verbalize it. I’d start out with, “Do you think…” then I’d say, “Never mind.”

She’d ask me, “What?” but I’d always say, “Nothing.” At the same time, I knew that if I didn’t deal with Satan’s whisperings, they’d continue. I felt very fortunate that I had the Word of God to back me up and keep me on track, but at the same time it was very discouraging and painful to hear Satan’s constant accusations. I actually believed what he was saying was true, but the Spirit living within me flatly refused to let me give in to it. 

When I finally blurted it out, “Jillian, do you think that everything would be much easier for everyone if I wasn’t around?” She looked at me and without batting an eye said, “There are times when I’m at school that I’m so lonely I can barely stand it. I miss you and Dad so much.”  I think it was the lack of hesitation that caused me to believe her without question. That was the beginning of my making my way back. From that point on it was like God decided to lift my cloud and let me see light again. Right after that, an adoptive parent I was encouraging, SueAnn, emailed me thanking me for giving her back her light – that I’d helped lift her dark cloud that had been over her for so long. Right after that my grandson told me dozens of times that he loved me and missed me when we were apart. Then Jillian’s young man came for a visit. During the five days he was at our house visiting we went to look at engagement rings and wedding dresses and talked about their future together.  I watched him give her my promise ring. Being welcomed into the middle of their relationship brought more hope back into my life. I believe that it was after those five days God released me. It was a “night and day” experience.

Looking back, I now realize God gave me that time as a gift. I have experienced something that many people experience but seldom speak of. I know I was allowed to go through the dark time of doubt to broaden my compassion for others who may be suffering in the same way. Toward the end of those weeks of personal darkness, someone I knew took their own life. When someone told me they couldn’t believe a person could be that selfish, inwardly I understood very well what he was thinking because I had been contemplating my own value to others. I can’t really tell you why God saw fit to hold on to me during it all, to bring me through it when that other person wasn’t able to, but I am very glad I’m now on the other side. He was deafeningly silent but I was aware of his presence all the way through. He kept me day by day, letting me suffer, but all the while also reminding me that He would one day restore my peace. I truly had an advantage. I knew God was there watching.

In retrospect, I am thankful I have experienced the darkness that blots out all light. I was led out of that darkness by positive interraction with others when God felt it was enough – enough to open my eyes to others and their sufferings. I needed to truly understand.  And most assuredly, I must use that experience to lead others out.

Can You Be Counted On?

In June, Pastor Ron used Timothy and Epaphroditus as examples of servants who could be counted on. (Philippians 2:19 – 3o)  Use this list to evaluate yourself in the area of Christian service.

The signs of a faithful servant:

1) Have a natural care for other believers.

2) Have a genuine selfless care for the cause of Christ (2:4 & 5).

3) Develop/have a tested proven track record of faithful service.

4) Have a willingness to partner with others in ministry.

5) Have a willingness to stand in the gap.

If you have all the attributes of a faithful servant, what type of a worker are you?

Four Types of Workers

1) A worker that someone has to go find to work

2) A worker that someone has to tell what to do

3) A worker that comes and asks what needs to be done

4) A worker that sees something that needs to be done and goes and does it

Which type are YOU?

Brow Beating Believers

The path I have chosen with God’s direction has been enlightening. I have learned many things, especially the past few years. After 20+ years of dealing with “interesting children,” I’ve seen my share and then some of children tied up in a world of sinfulness. Not only have they sinned in record measures, but they have been sinned against in ways that would cause even the most experienced sinner to blush. I’m talking about the kids who were adopted out of families that did not regard them as precious jewels the way Christ does. They were broken as small children and grew up with that reflected in their behavior and thought processes. Nearly all of my children who were violated as small children by their birth families have fallen into great vast pits upon leaving our home and striking out on their own. Yes, you can sit back and judge them – or you can have great compassion for a fellow human being who experienced the worst the world has to offer and is trying to make sense of it. Sure, they could have leaned on the One who created them and could have trusted and obeyed Him, but for some reason their view was so darkened they were not able to look up at the light at that point in their lives. It is not for me to judge, though I have tried to reason the “why” of it all.

We tried to make up for all the “bad stuff” that they had experienced prior to coming into our home. It was certainly our intention to do so, but for some reason we were not enough. We gave them a safe home that had proper education, both spiritually and mentally, love and concern along with the discipline to train them in the right way to live. Did it “take?” No, not for the ones who were resistant to such things. But it was planted in their heads. That’s the key.  We’re beginning to see that for some of them, when the time is right and they’ve discovered that the world has nothing for them, they know where to look when they decide to seek God and all He has for them.

It’s obvious to everyone what a parent’s stand ought to be in the midst of their children’s life’s journey. They support the good decisions and don’t support the bad ones. They seek the best for the child. When sinned against, they are to be willing to forgive if the child is genuinely repentant. That doesn’t mean the parents have to support them when they aren’t living right, but they pray for them and give godly advice when asked. They don’t brow beat them or slander their name. They sit quietly by and wait for the child to see the light and welcome them back when they do. They do their best to advise them and try to teach them to keep their paths straight. If the child gets off the right path, the parent does not go off with them. They continue on, waiting for their child to return. If the child is living at home, the parent is to grab them and put them back on the right path in any way God directs them to do so. I’ve told my adult children that they have the right to choose whatever path they want to walk down, but to not expect me to go down with them, for I too have a responsibility to walk with God in the way He directs me.

But what is the responsibility of those who are not family, those who the child has sinned against? If they are believers, then their responsibility is the same. The only exception is deferring to the parent for discipline. Compassion ought to rule. We are in God’s family. Too often I have seen my children offend or sin against another believer and receive the same amount of offence right back. If we consider ourselves mature believers, then we ought to return love and compassion, not seek to “make them pay.”  We ought to consider what is the best for that child, not recompense for our offended pride. Brow beating someone into submission out of our so called spiritual standing as authority is not love. The desire to capitalize on their sin is as bad as the original sin we were considering. It is prideful arrogance – showing we care more for our hurt feelings than the offender’s welfare and spiritual needs. To not offer forgiveness and reconcilliation when there has been repentance is to curse the love of God. If the love of God dwells in us, we will love others. If it does not, we will allow our selfish desires to walk all over those we consider less than us. It is then at that point that we become the offender and turn God’s attention off the sinner and on to ourselves. That is not a place I would ever want to be.

John 8:7  “So when they continued asking him, he lifted up himself, and said unto them, He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her.” 

Galatians 6:1  “Brethren, if a man be overtaken in a fault, ye which are spiritual, restore such an one in the spirit of meekness; considering thyself, lest thou also be tempted.”

Matthew 18:6 “But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea.”

What is Involved in Forgiveness?

We were greeted recently by a young man who at one time was sinned against by some of our children. He was smiling as he shook our hand! To be honest, I was pleasantly surprised by his genuine friendliness. This young man is living his Christianity. This young man was showing the love of Christ by exhibiting genuine forgiveness.

Does “forgive” mean that we no longer hold a grudge or think ill of a person? Does it mean we say, “OK” then turn around and punish them to make ourselves feel better? Is it our responsibility as the offended to make sure they learn from their mistake? Or does it mean that we have compassion on the one who sinned against us and are willing to show mercy to them and help them become more faithful Christians?  Here is a Biblical account of what genuine forgiveness is and what God expects of believers. My comments about the verses are in red:

Matthew 18:21 “Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.

Therefore is the kingdom of heaven likened unto a certain king, which would take account of his servants. And when he had begun to reckon, one was brought unto him, which owed him ten thousand talents. But forasmuch as he had not to pay, his lord commanded him to be sold, and his wife, and children, and all that he had, and payment to be made. The servant therefore fell down, and worshipped him, saying, Lord, have patience with me, and I will pay thee all. Then the lord of that servant was moved with compassion, and loosed him, and forgave him the debt. (Please note here that the debtor just asked for an extension, but the king chose to forgive the debt completely. Notice also that the king did not punish the debtor. The king is a type of Christ – an example of heart felt forgiveness born out of compassion.)

But the same servant went out, and found one of his fellowservants, which owed him an hundred pence: and he laid hands on him, and took him by the throat, saying, Pay me that thou owest. And his fellowservant fell down at his feet, and besought him, saying, Have patience with me, and I will pay thee all. And he would not: but went and cast him into prison, till he should pay the debt.  (This man not only denied an extension, but he also punished the debtor. Though done in a lawful way, he sought revenge for being sinned against.)

So when his fellowservants saw what was done, they were very sorry, and came and told unto their lord all that was done. (This is the result of a unloving and unforgiving attitude. It affects more than just the two involved.) Then his lord, after that he had called him, said unto him, O thou wicked servant, I forgave thee all that debt, because thou desiredst me: Shouldest not thou also have had compassion on thy fellowservant, even as I had pity on thee? And his lord was wroth, and delivered him to the tormentors, till he should pay all that was due unto him. So likewise shall my heavenly Father do also unto you, if ye from your hearts forgive not every one his brother their trespasses. (This is a very scary position to be in!)

If we really forgive, I believe it will show in our treatment of the one we have forgiven. I’m not saying they become our best friend or we approve of what they did or that we need to ignore the circumstances. But I am saying that true forgiveness comes when the offender repents of their offense, makes it right, and asks the offended to forgive them. They in turn provide the forgiveness that completes the process of reconcilliation. Forgiveness should bring reconcilliation. After all, when we sinned against God and asked forgiveness, He faithfully granted the forgiveness and opened the gate of Heaven for us. We are reconciled with the Father. There is nothing between us and we can fellowship without resentment or guilt.

Have you ever offended someone, asked forgiveness, but then felt very uncomfortable when you saw them next? Or has someone sinned against you and you avoid them or turn the cold shoulder when  you see them? Do you know of someone who has sinned against someone you know and care about and then you have a hard time looking at them in the eye or feel the need to shun them (or their family members) when you see them in a crowd? Do you have trouble greeting them or someone in their family when you see them next? If you are the offender and you have asked forgiveness, do you feel uncomfortable when you see them next, even though they have said they forgive you? If any of the above is true, then the process of true forgiveness has not been completed.

For you see, having adopted as many special needs kids as we have, we’ve had our “share of shunnings.” Even though we are known for being very strict parents, following through and taking care of each offence when one or more of our kids have sinned against someone, we have often been treated as if we were the offenders, and our kids are “marked off their list” of valued people. When those same kids realize this, more problems come along because they will react to being considered less than worthy of others’ love and friendship. I’ve seen this over and over in my family. When these kids come into adolescence (which by the way lasts way longer than the average kid), in their limited reasoning, they feel they have a right to retaliate because they’ve pent up so much anger. They are angry about their past, present and future.  That’s why you see so many kids get into trouble with the law and make seriously bad choices. They are punishing the world for how they are received – which ultimately turns around and punishes them. It’s the way of the world – a perpetual circle of sin.

I honestly don’t think this is what God intended for His people. After all, He has forgiven all of us who claim the name of Christ, ought we not extend the same complete forgiveness to those who wish to be forgiven? Should not the Christian realm be different from the world?  Besides, if families are willing to step out and take in the children who are considered unwanted in this world, should they not have the support of fellow Christians? If anyone takes in children who have suffered at the hand of this world, there will be serious problems as a result of that decision. If these children are adopted by Christians, ought they not be received as we were received of God at salvation – forgiven and loved?

I would say about 50% of Christians in our world have exhibited this type of forgiveness to our “interesting'” children. The other 50% apparently think they are perfect and don’t feel the need to forgive others. They carry around an obvious disdain for our family because sin has been so very rampant in many of our children – dispite our teaching, training and admonitions to them.  I am hoping the love of the first, forgiving group of Christians, can overcome the bitterness that has been stirred in the hearts of our children by the second, unforgiving group. Considering the weaknesses and fragile emotional state of my kids, I highly doubt it will.  We are all held accountable – the sinner and the one who was sinned against. We can’t expect God to forgive us completely and then turn around and not extend that forgiveness to others. Unfortunately, some of our children have found the world to be much more forgiving than fellow Christians. Why do you think this is so?

Luke 7:41 “There was a certain creditor which had two debtors: the one owed five hundred pence, and the other fifty. And when they had nothing to pay, he frankly forgave them both. Tell me therefore, which of them will love him most? Simon answered and said, I suppose that he, to whom he forgave most. And he said unto him, Thou hast rightly judged.”

Those Who Did Neither

I have joined three Yahoo Groups – One for families of FASD children, one for those trying access post-adopt services, and one for those who have disrupted or dissolved their adoptions. The last one I joined to get a proper perspective of those who have willingly or by force been affected by adoption disruption/dissolution.  With permission of the writers, I will be featuring some of these stories in days to come. One adoptive mom in particular tugged at my heart strings when she questioned whether she’d made the right decision by not fighting those who were demanding her parental rights be terminated.  She would not allow her son to come back home after months in residential – she knew his repeated threats to kill the family would be carried out if allowed back home. So rather than working with the family within reasonable parameters, the powers that be dissolved this family against the wishes of each individual person in that family.  Those powers were responsible for bringing to fruition that which they fought against.

Here is  my response to her:

“I am very interested in your story and feel it needs to be told as much as a so called ‘successful one’ must be told – maybe more so. We cannot enjoy the blessings of this world if we do not have anything to compare them to. It would also be of benefit for others to see the emotional and physical expenditures of those who hope to save a life through adoption. It should not be seen as serving ourselves, rather it must be seen as a service to our world, whether in service to mankind locally or over seas. I forever regret the pain we have endured at the hands of those who have no understanding of what we do as adoptive parents – yet I do not count it worthy to dwell on it either, simply because I did not do this for praise of man. The approval of my God is all I ought to consider – for it is everything. Though I doubt and wince, I do not fall at the feet of my critics. They will some day answer to my God – the One who called me to serve Him by loving children that were not considered worthy of my attention. Whether you cherished a child for a day or for their life time, you are counted more worthy than those who did neither.”

How Can One Stay Warm?

As I am sitting here thinking about my good friend Loretta, I’m wondering why it is that I can be so free and open with her. I’ve come to the conclusion that she is one of my “safe” friends. She listens, she comments and then she makes it clear that she is compassionate and supportive regarding my situation. She doesn’t hesitate to remind me of Scripture and/or reality as she sees it (in case I’m NOT seeing it) but she does it in a “I’m your friend no matter what” type of way. I will never fear to open an email from her. I will never have my heart turn over if I see her name on the caller ID. If I received a letter from her I would be anxious to open it. I have a few friends like that. I hope that you, my reader, can say you have some friends like that too. If we are acquainted, I hope I am one of those friends in your life. Through this latest set of trials, I have strengthened my resolve that when I’m on the other end I’ll exhibit the same type of “safe” friendship. As my friends go on this journey with me through my blog, I’m finding many just like me.

I’ve been getting emails like this, “This was encouraging to me. I parent the way I do for my children, not other people.  I noticed you wrote it on the 18th – that was an especially tough day between me and my most “challenging” child. Thanks for sharing. Love you.” It’s emails like that that “float my boat.” They make me think that what I have gone through may one day be used to encourage others. You are not privy to them because they have been sending them in private emails, but you do need to know that there are others out there that are struggling just like we are.

You are not the only one. I am not the only one.

Oh, sure, we come off as individuals who are strong and have it all together. Well, we are strong and we do have “it” all together, but sometimes we can’t remember where we put “it.” Today was one of those days. So, guess what I did? I got on my email and shipped off an email crying out to the Lord via my friend. I know it sounds silly, but godly, loving people can be mouthpieces for God. Sometimes we forget that God works through us. US! We who love God and walk with Him are used of God to help others get through this world – because this world is tough!

I am weak, but He makes me strong. I lack wisdom, but He makes me wise. I am speechless, but He gives me His words. I am empty but each day He fills me up. I am self-centered but He lends me his compassion and I can keep it only if I give it away. I am flawed but through Christ I am made perfect. I am impatient but He makes me longsuffering by reminding me where He brought me out of – you know that mirey clay? Well, we were all down there sinking into the pit at one time and He threw us a life line.  But now I have the responsibility to pull others out as well. It’s our calling – both as Christians and as women. We need to be compassionate and caring to others. If we’re not then what good are we? WHAT GOOD ARE WE?

I know we’ve been taught to present a good face in public, but if we never tell others about our failings and shortcomings, then how are we going to be encouraging to others? If you know that I lose it once in a while and falter in my faith, and cry out to God out of fear, then maybe you can too and not feel like you have failed. Remember, Prov. 24:16a “For a just man falleth seven times, and riseth up again.” Yes! Just men fall! And they do it seven times! Wow. So, am I saying that even the most put together, confident, eloquent person that we see in the front extolling the virtues of a godly life even has bad days or even weeks? YES! Do they fall? YES! The difference between them and others is they get back up again and go on to continue serving and fellowshipping with God and others. So the difference is whether we get up again – not how perfect we are perceived to be by others!  Let’s help others get back up again rather than just kicking them as we walk by. It seems I’ve been spending an awful lot of time down on the ground lately. How about you? It’s refreshing to look up and see a helping hand that looks like Christ’s.

Ecc. 4:9 “Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour. For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up. Again, if two lie together, then they have heat: but how can one be warm alone?”

This world is too cold to go it alone.

Chiastic Structure Isn’t Just in Literature

Occasionally I run into truly amazing people. You know, the ones who just jump out at you as being above and beyond – a person who is truly like Christ. Often we accept as normal the disloyal, unkind behavior of those around us – whether Christian or not. We excuse it as, “Well, they’re having a hard day,” or “You just need to ignore her, she’s always been like that.” While I do believe we need to cut people slack and be forgiving in difficult situations, I think we have turned into a mamby pamby type of Christianity where we can’t tell a difference between the Christian and someone who is lost.

This past 7 weeks has been extremely hard for our family. We’re encountering the same type of attacks on our family from Satan that we’ve seen before. It’s been a no-holds barred type of attack on our children. The other time we experienced the same type of length and intensity was just a few years ago. It was so bad for our family that we ended up leaving the ministry. Of course we’ll not let him win, for we fully intend to re-enter the ministry in the future – after we’ve recovered, but I also know that Satan is alive and well and doing his best to damage families whom he feels is a threat to his agenda. Though he’ll never win the war, he’s doing a pretty good job at trumping the Christians in his little skirmishes. Of course it doesn’t feel like little skirmishes to the Christians who are in the midst of them, but to God they are little and of no consequence because He can take them and turn them over – for His glory and our good. This time I am seeing the attacks differently because I know his agenda from my prior experiences. Apparently he’s extremely threatened by our family and wishes to “take us out.” But I know God is greater than him and will work all this out and give us victory just like he did Daniel, Joseph, Moses, and all the other Bible heroes set up as examples for us. I have learned amazing things about myself and others these past 7 weeks that I would never have learned any other way. I learned more about God and have seen the true worth of many around me – and found some true abiding in the faith believers that I didn’t know were there. It’s been a truly amazing experience – amazingly painful and amazingly enlightening.

I’ve been studying Esther in my ladies’ Bible study (Beth Moore) and have found myself to be living her story. I’m expecting God to do something great through our family – even in the midst of extreme pain and trial where I can’t see Him doing anything miraculous outwardly, but I am seeing miraculous things being done by his people on our behalf. It’s like the chiastic structure that we see in literature. Chiastic structure is a literary term for inverted parallelism. Here’s an example: We don’t live to eat, we eat to live. You take the Greek letter “chi” and it’s an “X.” Put the word live at the left top of the “”X and eat at the right top of the “X.” We should not live to eat, rather, we eat to live. Put the word eat at the bottom left of the “X” and the word live at the bottom right of the “X.” There you have a mirror image (the bottom of the X) only inverted (or switched). The statement “we live to eat” is not a proper statement – we should only have the attitude of “we eat to live.” That is chiastic structure. Here’s another one: “Ask not what your country can do for you, but ask what you can do for your country.” ~ John F. Kennedy. You take that statement and invert it (inverted parallelism) and it becomes a noble statement rather than a selfish one. Esther is riddled with chiastic structure. God used the greed, pride and corrupted beliefs of a vile man and turned them around to do His will – But he didn’t just wave His hand and make it so, He chose simple, inexperienced believers to save his people – people who love Him enough to risk their own lives to help others.

That is what I am asking God to do for our family. I am asking Him to take our circumstances brought on by sin and to reverse them to bring Him glory and my family’s good. He can do it. He did it for Esther and He will do it for me. I have a Haman and a King, along with a Mordecai and Esther in my story – and God will work through them all to bring us victory. I even have a Hatach! I need a peripety – a sudden change of events that reverse the expected or intended outcome. God is a great God and can take any situation and change it around. He did it for us Wednesday of this week already. We found two men, Jimmie and Jeff, men who we never met before, to bring us our needed peripety (sudden change of events) for one of our sons. These are true men of God. They heard our cry and met our needs – sight unseen. They didn’t know us, but they knew God and that was all that mattered. They are true Christians who let God work a miracle through them. They went out of their way and helped another believer. Wow. That’s pretty amazing. The impact of God’s love freely received by a believer can change another person’s life. I know it has mine.

So, now I’m lookin’ for another miracle because my family needs one. I just don’t know by whom or how it will happen. All I need to do is live my faith and God will take care of the rest.

My Awesome Unseen God

This spiritual journey that God has sent me on isn’t like all the others. In the past, He’d been gracious enough to just give me one major crisis at a time. When looking back through the past 25 or so years, I can distinctly remember thinking that I was grateful that God allowed one serious trial to stop before another came. Because we had adopted many special needs children, we lived from crisis to crisis all those years. It’s only been the last six months that that has lessened and we’ve actually enjoyed several months in a row without incident – until recently.

From Scripture, I know that God never gives us more than we can handle – part of the reason for this is that He knows our spiritual state and can gauge our ability to handle things, and part of it has to do with His ability to sustain us as believers. So, based on that, I know that He must think I can handle more than I have in the past – and apparently all at once. Added in is the agony I feel when I see my husband go through the trials too. Usually one of us is “up” when the other is “down.” It’s as if God is stripping us of all we have in order to rebuild us into something better. Having the book of Job and Esther has helped me endure. I’m sure Job, just like me, feared going to his door each time bad news knocked.  You get to the point where you say, “OK, what else can go wrong?” Well, we’re to that point. Daily we get news that stirs the pot of discouragement more. We step to the right think we got an answer only for it to change the next day. So we step to the the left and knock on another door to no avail. There’s got to be a window somewhere that God can open! I just know it!

I know that we shouldn’t get too discouraged when things don’t go right, it just means that God either has another path for us to take or the timing isn’t right. Maybe God has some things to put in place before we accomplish what we set out to do. Like the book of Esther, we can’t seem to find God anywhere. We don’t see Him stepping in and managing things like we normally do. That’s not to say He’s not there, for we know He is. But it just means He’s stepped back and watching things play out. This is definitely not a parting of the Red Sea event. It’s more like in the book of Esther where He guides and directs us to accomplish His will. There is a lot of responsibility to do so on our part. We need to make sure our faith and ability to hear Him are up to par. We need to listen to that still small voice directing us as if we were His puppet. In this instance, we need to be like His puppet, we must allow Him to completely work the strings to our hands, feet and mouth. It’s not easy for us to put ourselves in that position – we do tend to want to do things with our own abilities and wisdom. But especially when the stakes are high, like they are now, we need to be completely turned over the the Spirit’s leading. Sometimes I feel like I’m wandering around in the dark. I know God is there but can’t see how it’s going to work out for His glory and our best.

Yet, even wondering how it will all work out, I have to trust Him. What other choice do I have? So, I sit here wondering what’s next and how I’m going to handle one more rock in the road. A long time ago I realized I care way more deeply about situations and events than most people and I am much more proactive than the average person. I’m a fixer. If I have nothing to fix, I am very content to just enjoy life. But if there’s something that needs fixing, I’m very impatient with other people and expect them to diligently follow things through to the end. It is very frustrating for me to have my future or my family’s future in someone else’s hands. I can’t fix them, but God can. I just need to be content to let God handle it – He does it so much better than I do!

Here’s the moral to the story that has not finished playing out in my life. No matter what others do, God will always manage my life for His own glory and my good if I follow Him and trust Him to direct my ways. I may not see Him or feel Him in the midst of trial, but I know He’s there. Some day I will be able to look back and tell you how God worked it all out, but for the moment, I have to just sit and wait and realize He is able. Perhaps I might even be able to do that patiently.

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