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Should We Help Our Adult Children? (4) Parenting Tip #44

 

This is the 4th in the series, “Should We Help Our Adult Children?”

If you have not read 1-3, go do that now.

#1 in This Series

#2 in This Series

#3 in This Series

#4 in This Series (you are here)

If you have, and are not sure still if you can help, even though everything looks kosher, then start out by helping them on a small scale.

  • Lend them a few dollars to get by and see if they pay you back.
  • Give them a ride and see if they are appreciative.
  • Say, “No” and see how they react.
  • Give good advice and wait to see if they follow it.
  • Watch their spending habits.
  • Pay attention to how they treat people around them.
  • Listen to their stories and complaints and evaluate their decisions.

You say it’s not right to judge? Well, if you are deciding on what part you will play in someone’s life, you’d better judge his or her behavior or you will find yourself on the wrong road. I once told my daughter that she may choose her own road, but don’t expect me to leave mine to walk that road with her.

 

Opportunity?

You as a parent are under no obligation to follow your child down the wrong road by making bad decisions under the guise of “helping.” Dr. R.B. Ouellette once said that, “Opportunity does not equal obligation.” Let’s modify that a bit to say, “Whining and begging by an irresponsible, disloyal, or disrespectful adult kid does not mean you must meet their wants or needs.”

Angry Teen {Mom of Many}
          Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Save the bulk of your money and time for the kids that love and respect you and have proven themselves responsible. You say that’s not Christian? I say, where do you think the advice “Cast not your pearls before swine” came from?

There is a reason that the prodigal son ended up eating the food of the swine. He walked down the wrong road.

 

MomofMany.netBoundaries Work!

One of my sons many years ago would text or call me and say rude and disrespectful things. After reading the book, Boundaries, (affiliate link) I decided to put my foot down based on what had I learned from that book and told him each time that if he didn’t change the subject, I’d hang up.

I had to hang up a few times and yet the rude behavior continued. It got so bad that I finally told him that if he said one more thing that was out of line, I’d not talk to him for a month. It only took one time of following through for him to stop. If he slips, we just say, “Change the subject” and he does. Boundaries – they work.

I’ve been so successful at putting together a great circle that I no longer feel the need to put up with disrespectful or rude behavior. Part of it comes from confidence born out of experience, part of it comes from having enough self respect that allows me to pick and choose who I will spend time with. I spent 30 years parenting kids under 18 and now that they are all grown, I’m determined to guard my CIRCLE and keep it safe. It is the fuel that keeps me going and helps me weather life’s storms.

Get a CIRCLE. Only let the safe ones in. Lay down boundaries. Guard your CIRCLE with your life – for therein it lies.

Val @ Mom of Many

For tips, recommendations and ideas - or just support, join our community at MomofMany.net

* Disclosure: This post contain an affiliate link. If you buy anything after clicking on one of the affiliate links, I receive a small commission of the sale. The cost to you is the same, and I only link to items that I think would benefit my readers. Your support of this blog is greatly appreciated!

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Should We Help Our Adult Children? (2) Parenting Tip #44

 

This is the 2nd in a series, “Should We Help Our Adult Children?”

If you can answer all of the questions from yesterday, “Yes,” then it’s looking good for you to step out and help your adult child that is on SHAKY GROUND.

Now let’s break it down.

  1. Is your SHAKY GROUND adult child really on the right road?

One of my Love My DIY Home subscribers sent me this quote: “If someone shows you who they are, believe them.” Too often an adult child in crisis will tell you they have turned their life around, have seen the Light, and their heart is in the right place. They are publishing on Facebook that their marriage is amazing, they make a lot of money, they love their family, yada, yada, yada, but in reality nothing has changed.

In the past (and I’m sure will in the future), I’ve been so hopeful that I took them at their word only to find out they were in a jam, were trying to dig themselves out of a pit but it didn’t last because there never was a real change. It got too hard or things improved, or the crisis passed, they went back to “the old them.”

You need to be discerning. Believe them but don’t believe them. In other words, be compassionate, be their cheerleader, encourage them, love them, even make an effort to help them (in a small way to start) to see how they will respond and what they will do with your help. Wait and watch. Be cautiously optimistic. This is not the time to bring out the big guns and devote tons of undivided attention or give them a lot of money. Help but keep your priorities strong. Don’t jump in with both feet until you KNOW. BTDT

You are both adults.

If you determine you can’t or won’t help, just tell them “No” or just don’t offer and leave it at that. You are under no obligation to explain. Both of you are adults. If they want advice on how to solve their problem, then offer it, but most likely if they not completely off the ROAD TO DESTRUCTION, they won’t want your advice anyway.

Does your teenage son bully you? {Mom of Many}

They will be offended and get angry or try to make you the bad guy. Don’t fall for their accusations. Be relieved that their behavior as shown you that you made the right decision.

Often when an immature or narcissistic adult is told, “No,” they think they are angry with the one who is not giving them what they want.

In reality their anger is a cover-up for their hurt pride and shows their extreme self-love. They have trouble identifying this emotion so they spew anger toward the one who disappointed them rather than doing some much needed introspection. After all, if they can label you as the selfish or uncaring one, then they won’t have to evaluate their own behavior.

♦♦♦♦♦♦♦

introspection in·tro·spec·tion (ĭn’trə-spěk’shən) n. Contemplation of one’s own thoughts, feelings, and sensations; self-examination. www.dictionary.com

♦♦♦♦♦♦♦

“If someone shows you who they are, believe them.”

NEVER forsake or ignore or put on the back burner those who have been faithfully in your circle for the one who is in trouble. Yes, you come to the aid of those in crisis if you can and if appropriate, but be sure to keep your priorities straight. It’s hard sometimes and it can be a real juggling act, but you can do it. It’s all about choices. Be aware that if you lose your circle, you lose your ability to reach outside of your circle to help others.

  1. What road are you on as a parent? Are you on a STABLE STREET or PROSPERITY LANE where you have the resources to help them?

AND…

  1. Are you sure that if you help them you won’t be thrown onto SHAKY GROUND or the ROAD TO DESTRUCTION?

Recently I spoke with a friend who told me she’s blown through all of her savings trying to help an adult child who took her for all she had – all because she whined about how hard her life is and constantly asked for money to bail her out.

No.

Just NO.

Parenting Tips {Mom of Many}

 

The mom hadn’t set boundaries and was so afraid she’d lose her child that she gave in EVERY.SINGLE.TIME.

This is where I recommend the book Boundaries. (affiiate link)

Go read it. It changed my parenting life. Seriously. I’m not exaggerating.

If a child on the ROAD TO DESTRUCTION reaches down to a parent for help and the parent gives in, the child may never learn and the mom may eventually find herself on their ROAD, especially if she is on SHAKY STREET already. There is more than one way to end up on the ROAD TO DESTRUCTION, and they all begin with bad decisions.

  1. Are you sure that if you help them that others who have earned a place in your CIRCLE will not go without or that your actions won’t damage your relationship? It’s good to let others into your circle, but not if it’s going to hurt the ones already in there. Guard your circle.

This one is tough. When my kids were little, we were constantly putting out fires. We bounced from one crisis to another because we had many kids who came from difficult backgrounds that had trouble learning, reasoning, had no idea what boundaries were, and extremely desired things they shouldn’t have. It was a constant struggle to get through most days.

But we also had a few compliant kids who desired to please their parents and had a genuine desire to do right. I had such trouble balancing a need to give positive attention to those kids because of the constant demand of the other ones. I was fortunate that the compliant kids were compliant and very patient and helpful.

There was one defining moment that set my course for the rest of our parenting for when they were all adults.

Read about it tomorrow…

Val @ Mom of Many

Parenting Tips {Mom of Many}

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Should We Help Our Adult Children? (3) Parenting Tip #44

 

This is #3 in the Series, “Should we Help our Adult Children?”

Read #1 and #2 first, please.

#1 in This Series

#2 in This Series

Yesterday I left off with: “There was one defining moment that set my course for the rest of our parenting for when they were all adults.”

Let me tell you about that moment.

When our older kids were in college, they all came home from college for Easter one year and I found myself falling into the crisis repairing stage with one of them during those few days. At the end of the week, I’d realized that short vacation was gone and I’d not had many good moments with the ones that weren’t in crisis. I’d spent all my time trying to put out a fire that eventually just re-ignited anyway.

So basically I had chosen the one in crisis over the ones that were not. I felt like the worst parent in the world. I decided right then that I would NEVER do that again. Never again would I put a troubled adult ahead of one that was not. I worked at repairing and protecting my CIRCLE from that day on. I have determined to surround myself with those who consistently love and respect me, make a genuine effort to do right, and try to live a good and peaceable life.

Families are Forever {Mom of Many}

That doesn’t mean I won’t be there for those who were in trouble or need me. But I will always carefully consider my priorities and strike a better balance. Now that all of my kids are over 18, I do not feel I have any obligation to disrupt, ignore or put off anyone in my CIRCLE for anyone outside of it. If that offends you, go back and read my definition of CIRCLE. It is what it is and I don’t apologize for it.

It is the only way to have peace and be happy when you have difficult kids who choose to live a self-destructive lifestyle or constantly find themselves on SHAKY GROUND due to bad decisions. I will not risk losing those in my CIRCLE ever again. Nor will I pressure those in my circle to join me when I reach outside of it to help someone in crisis. That is for them to decide. For me to do any of that would be choosing to walk the ROAD TO DESTRUCTION or the very least to be on SHAKY GROUND with those in my CIRCLE.

  1. Does this adult child who is on SHAKY GROUND use gifts (time, money, advice, compassion) wisely and learn by example and through personal experience? In other words, would you be throwing your pearls before swine?

AND…

  1. Does this adults child that is on SHAKY GROUND treat you with respect in private and public? Do they show appreciation when you help them? Do they only “love” you when you give them things?

 

Does your teenage son bully you? {Mom of Many}

Have you ever given money to a person for a bill and they turned around and spent a bunch of money on unnecessary “stuff”?

We have an obligation to not be an enabler.

An example of an enabler would be a wife who covers up for her husband who is a drunk or an abuser. She fears losing her home, her security and even her life if she speaks up and asks for help.

Moms and dads feel this pressure too. BUT if we enable those adult kids through giving and giving and then giving some more when they just squander our gifts, how are we helping them to break the cycle of irresponsible living and bad choices? Wouldn’t it be better for them to fail and learn from their mistakes? Sometimes it takes many mistakes for them to learn, but let’s not put off their learning by fixing their problems for them.

Do we not have an obligation to be good stewards?

Might we not fail ourselves if we don’t make wise choices? Does our obligation of being a good example end when our kids turn 18? Do we not influence everyone around us? Are we exempt from the consequences of our wastefulness? Is it OK to waste our money on those who will squander it?

Before you help any of your kids on a grand level, look at who they are. Are they kind and respectful? Are they hard working and responsible? Are they givers themselves and generally live right and strive to be a blessing to others? Do they make wise decisions and put forth their best effort? Is the need genuine? Did they arrive at this need through bad decisions?

Remember the quote, “If someone shows you who they are, believe them.” Let this guide you.

I’ll leave you to contemplate.

Read the final entry in this series tomorrow…

#1 in This Series

#2 in This Series

#3 in This Series (You are here)

#4 in Series

Val @ Mom of Many

Parenting Tips {Mom of Many}

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Got Bible? Parenting Tip #38

I Don’t Have Time for Devotions!

I promise, this is practical. It’s not a sermon. It’s not a brow beating. If anyone knows how hard it is to be consistently in the Word, it’s me. I’ve struggled all my life to be consistent.

Too often we think we have to do things in a traditional way – but forget we have liberty. Not liberty to sin but liberty to obey God and His leading how we see fit and how He directs us.

What? We have freedom to listen to Him?

Got Bible? Parenting Tip #38 {Mom of Many}

 

Let’s Get Creative

Years ago when we had a bunch of little ones at home it was easy to have family devotions and prayer time. It was a family event that I often reflect back on – and it always brings a smile. They were such cute little buggers back then! (Kids, what happened? VBG)

Maybe one day I’ll show you a video of them while in prayer circle if I can transfer it from VHS to digital.

Prayer Circle

Our house had a little spot down by the kids’ rooms where all of us fit very well when we sat on the floor in a circle – we called it our prayer circle. When they kids would get ready for bed – pjs, teeth brushing, etc. Mark and I would go sit down on the floor outside their rooms and their bathroom waiting for them to finish. This accomplished three things:

  1. We could supervise – there were not problems getting ready for bed because Mom and Dad saw everything.
  2. As each of the kids finished, they came out and formed a circle. We hugged, talked, wrestled, laughed, etc.
  3. Because fun stuff was going on, the kids hurried!

Got Bible? Parenting Tip #38 {Mom of Many}

When everyone was done, we would talk Bible and then pray together, one at a time. Not only was it fun to listen to them, but it was also fun watching them peek, rock back and forth, giggle at some of the prayers, etc. It was also a good way as parents to find out what they were concerned about, what happened in their day, and to give a little extra attention.

Then when the last little one prayed we hugged and said, “I love you,” and shooed them off to bed.

One of us would sit by their doors until they were asleep to ward off any naughtiness. If they knew we were there, they behaved. Mark and I along with our oldest, April took turns. It was a pain, but much more painful when later we didn’t do that and they got out of bed for shenanigans!

Fast forward a few years…

When they were older and we moved to a different home, the tradition fell by the wayside and they became responsible for personal devotions. We made the rule, “No Bible, no breakfast.” We had gone into full-time ministry and it became harder for both of us to sit down with the all kids at a specific time of day.

Got Bible? Parenting Tip #38 {Mom of Many}At that time it also became harder for me to eek out alone time for my own personal devotions. Getting ready for the day, b’fast, lunches, get them out the door, drive to school, put in 9 or 10 hours, home, dinner, homework, correcting papers (I was their teacher), yearbook (I was the yearbook advisor), school stuff (school photograhper) church work (church photographer, publications, SS teacher, discipler) on and on. You get the idea. I got up at 6:00 AM and went to bed sometimes at 2:00 AM.

Isn’t that the way? You do more for God and it’s harder to get alone with Him?

Getting Creative

Many months I tried to get up and have personal devotions in the morning, but something always happened to interrupt me. A kid was sick, or couldn’t find his socks or somebody was picking on somebody. Then I tried at night and I was just too tired to pay attention to what I was reading. Forget trying in the middle of the day. No way.

So my DH bought me an MP3 player because I found the Bible on MP3. I had grown up listening to Alexander Scourby and found an MP3 of him reading the KJV. I was in business! For years now I have listened to the Bible in the morning while I am getting ready.

Got Bible? Parenting Tip #38 {Mom of Many}

The kids knew I had to have that 40 minutes to get ready in the morning and Mark was in charge running the show until I could take over. I had to multi task or I would never get it all done, so as I dressed, did my makeup and hair, and was able to listen to several chapters every morning.

I found a solution. Happy dance!

I had a little notebook handy to write down notes if something struck me. I also learned to L.O.V.E. the Old Testament, unlike before, because I heard it and imagined it as if it were happening right then. There is something about hearing the Word – the pictures just came. It became real and sank in – embedded into my brain like a video on a blog!

God Was Silent

There was a time while in one of our ministries that we fell on hard times. I had so many questions as to why things were going south but couldn’t seem to find an answer. I was in the Word. I was faithful. I was doing my best and keeping my heart open. Nothing.

It wasn’t until we left that situation that God started answering each one of my questions – perfectly, one at a time as if He had my list in His hands. It was a palm hitting forehead two years as He unraveled it all for me to understand. For some reason, while I was going through it He was silent on the matter. Apparently He was waiting until I was ready to take it all in. Fortunately I was still “listening.” I have each one of them written down on this blog on a separate page at the top of this site underministry.”

Challenge Yourself

There was a time when the subject of personal devotions came up in a sermon and I challenged myself to not miss a single day for a year. That year turned into 4 – once you establish a habit, it’s so much easier to continue! I cannot say I never miss a day now, for I put that challenge behind me and eased off on myself a bit. Those were the days that I was very structured and harder on myself than I should have been because of all the pressure and stress I endured in that ministry.

But I still find the Bible intriguing and have kept it as my standard all these years. I could not be happy, confident or balanced if I didn’t have it. It is my foundation. I love listening to it while I get ready in the morning.

So I challenge you, Mom. Stop being so hard on yourself. Yes, we should be in the Word. But life is what happens when you have other plans. I get it. So, if you have a hard time staying in the Word – give the MP3 thing a try. It changed my life and I know it can yours.

Val @ Mom of Many

Parenting Tips {Mom of Many}

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Love My DIY Home is Finally Here!

My newest venture is finally ready to be announced.

I’ve worked on it for a year now and would love it if you would join me at (wish I could do a drum roll)

Love My DIY Home

A site for the wanna-be DIY’er, almost DIY’er, thinking about bein’ a DIY’er and already doin’ DIY’ers

This is my passion and I hope it will be yours too.

That's me - Val @ Love My DIY Home

That’s me – the one super excited about the possibilities of sharing oodles of great projects with you!

If you decide to join our DIY tribe, you can expect tons of free: tips, tutorials, ebooks, product reviews, word art, how-tos, project examples, etc. – the sky’s the limit as to the things I’m going to cook up for you! I have some great things planned and those who join LMDH here will get started on the freebie whirlwind immediately.

Goodness, I was so excited yesterday that I signed up myself and my DH (which by the way will be contributing a bunch of guy stuff too)!

All you have to do is give me your first name and email address and then sit back and wait for the freebies to grace your inbox (there is an unsubscribe on every email just in case you get bored with me!). I certainly don’t want to be one of those annoying emailing fools that clutter people’s inboxes! So feel free to unsubscribe any time – we can still be friends!

If you have any questions, email me at val@lovemydiyhome.com. I promise to email you back!

So what are you waiting for? Jump on board and get your first free gift:

Top 5 Tool List - Love My DIY Home

{a one page list of my most used tools, all under $6}

While you’re here, leave me a comment and tell me about yourself and if you have been or want to be a DIY’er.

Here are a couple of examples of my DIY projects, tips, & tutorials:

Don’t Trash Your Old Brass Decor! 
Ugly to Lovely – Mason Jar Shelf
Old Tissue Box Re-do Old World Style
Pantry Organization on the Cheap

Take a moment, won’t you and come check out Love My DIY Home?

Thanks for stopping by!

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Great YouTube Video on Setting Up a WordPress Blog

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Good Read – Discouragement

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Click here for a really good article on the things in our every day life that can cause discouragement.

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Remember the Waltons?

Remember watching the Waltons when you were younger? Click here to watch a recent video of an interview of the cast members.

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Educating Our Children Links Musings My Kids recommendations

Swearing – an Epidemic

Over the years I’ve asked many people not to swear – co-workers, family, friends, and even strangers. It’s not a matter of judging others. It’s all about what is appropriate. I’ve taught my kids to use proper speech, both that pleases God and allows them to be received properly by others whether it be in a home, social or work setting. I’ve explained why it displeases God to utter expletives, how it offends others and even told them it hurts their mother’s heart to hear such things. I’ve explained that people will think less of them, be offended or even exclude them from being hired because of offensive language, whether it be in person or on a social networking site. None of it seems to matter – it appears we have an epidemic of swearing. To tell you the truth, I just don’t get it. Swearing has been such a taboo to me that I’d never consider allowing it to enter my vocabulary. It’s so offensive, yet it seems this doesn’t matter any more.

I guess when it comes to young people trying to assert their independence or prove their autonomy or even maturity to the world, they unwisely choose profanity to try to make their point. When asked to not swear, they say, “I’m my own person,” “That’s how I am and I don’t care what anyone thinks,” or, “It’s my life and I can live it any way I choose.” Well, in a spiritual sense, no, we don’t have the right to live how ever we want, we were bought with a  price if we belong to Christ. It is our responsibility to represent Christ and glorify Him with our speech. But let’s put that aside for a moment and look at it in a purely secular view.

I did a search on “swearing” and found a few secular sites that deal with swearing and why it’s detrimental to the individual as well as society in general. Below I’ve posted thoughts from  a site on the Internet called “Cuss Control” about swearing and how it affects a person and those around them. I found it interesting and very much like the things I’ve told my kids over the years. I found a really good article on an Internet site that is solely for men and it supported the list below as well. Basically that article said it’s not cool or mature, let alone attractive to swear. I’d give you the address of the site, but it had links that I’d just prefer not to pass along, if you know what I mean. 🙂

Please don’t swear. It’s offensive and hurts society in general. Common courtesy should rule. I’ve been assaulted so much lately with profanity that I’ve had to limit my news feed on my Facebook. This ought not so to be. It especially brings me great sorrow when it’s my own children – they certainly know better. They say the more you love someone, the easier and more you can be hurt by that person. I personally know this to be true. I long for the day that they desire to please the One who gave them a life worth living. But, I digress…

Below is the list and if you’d like to see the Cuss Control site that contains this list as well as other comments, click here. Used with permission.

What’s Wrong With Swearing?

Swearing Imposes a Personal Penalty
It gives a bad impression
It makes you unpleasant to be with
It endangers your relationships
It’s a tool for whiners and complainers
It reduces respect people have for you
It shows you don’t have control
It’s a sign of a bad attitude
It discloses a lack of character
It’s immature
It reflects ignorance
It sets a bad example

Swearing is Bad for Society
It contributes to the decline of civility
It represents the dumbing down of America
It offends more people than you think
It makes others uncomfortable
It is disrespectful of others
It turns discussions into arguments
It can be a sign of hostility
It can lead to violence

Swearing corrupts the English language
It’s abrasive, lazy language
It doesn’t communicate clearly
It neglects more meaningful words
It lacks imagination
It has lost its effectiveness

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New CPR Method

Please watch a video of the new CPR method by clicking here.

If you see someone collapse who isn’t responsive and has trouble breathing:
1.     Tell someone to call 911 or make the call yourself.
2.     Position the person with the back on the floor. Place the heel of one hand on the center of the chest (between the nipples) and the heel of the other hand on top of the first. Lock your elbows, position your shoulders over your hands and use your upper-body weight to “fall” downward. Lift your hands slightly each time to allow the chest wall to recoil. Try to compress at 100 beats per minute and about 2 inches deep until emergency help arrives.
Note: Mouth-to-mouth CPR still is recommended for drowning and very small children.